Hot.com

The concept of “Hot” can be hard to define, but erotic massage almost certainly falls under the broad descriptive term. It’s one of those words that take on different connotations depending on who’s saying it. The local weatherman telling you it will be hot out sends a different message than your favorite internet porn mascot saying the same thing. If I’m the guy telling you about the hot massages, it’s a safe bet this isn’t some hippy bullshit where they rub your body with scalding rocks. I’m sure you can get that if you want, but wouldn’t it be nicer if the girl was naked and you got a happy ending?

One man’s hot is another man’s frigid; what might give you a boner might make your best friend’s ding-dong shrink back like a frightened turtle. You can burn your tongue on room temperature gazpacho if you were expecting it to be chilled, so expectations also come into play when we’re talking about what’s hot and what’s not. I can tell you this much, though: Hot.com gets millions of visits a month, which means the temperature around here must be nice and toasty. The site has erotic massage classified ads from around the world and all over the internet, making it an excellent place to find a local rubdown after your own hands get tired.

Who Wants to Put Their Hands on Me?

Before I start digging into those big-bosomed masseuses and their erotic services, I should start by telling you more about Hot. Most massage sites I’ve reviewed here at ThePornDude are like virtual bulletin boards, where escorts, dominatrices, and massage experts can post ads hawking their wares. Hot.com, on the other hand, is actually a search engine for real-world adult services. And that’s reflected in their landing page, which looks a lot like Google if their headquarters was in the red-light district. It’s just a search bar on a background of strip-club neon signs advertising LIVE NUDE GIRLS, setting the tone for your whole visit.

I wrote another review of Hot.com, where I focused on their escort listings because they’re one of the site’s biggest draws. Honestly, it’s a useful site for a number of boner-oriented local services in your area, like strip clubs, adult bookstores, dating sites, and sex forums. Whatever it is you’re after, one of the site’s big draws is that they have listings from around the world. Type in your town and see what’s up in the area.

Below that front-page search bar, a menu of locations opens up with the states of the USA, beginning with the Alabama cities of Birmingham and Montgomery. Scrolling further, we get the different Canadian provinces, followed by South America, Australia, Europe, Asia, and Africa. That means Hot.com will be useful whether you’re in Saint Petersburg, Bratislava, Budapest, Hong Kong, or Rio de Janeiro. So anybody looking to do a world tour of massage parlors?

Well, click on one of the cities on the front page, and Hot will bring you to another page that breaks down the local listings by category. This is where you’ll really see what the site has to offer and how it’s more than any random escort site or erotic massage directory. Making my way to the New Orleans listings, I found those categories, plus Female Escorts, Adult Clubs, Strip Clubs 4 Female, Cabaret Shows, Sex Shops, and a few more categories.

I came here with one thing in mind, though, and that’s getting a sexy lady to touch my whole sore, aching body. So I clicked Massage Parlors and found a few dozen listed in New Orleans. It looks like I’ve got some decisions to make.

What Are They Saying About Local Masseuses?

One of Hot.com’s biggest and best overall gimmicks is how they aggregate content from other sites. That means their escort area has escorts from a bunch of different websites. Likewise with their erotic massage parlors. It’s not as evident in this section what sites they’re pulling the data from, but I’m not complaining because there’s a lot of it.

As soon as I pulled up the menu of local parlors, I saw photographs of the places and phone numbers listed below each thumbnail. I could leave it at that and just start calling for an appointment, but there’s plenty more info to work off of. You can find their hours of operation and even get directions to drive there, courtesy of Google. There’s no registration required to view any contact info or anything, so you don’t have to worry about leaving a paper trail. There’s no reason for your wife to find out you enjoy getting your muscles caressed by a beautiful and talented Asian babe.

When I was reviewing the escort side of Hot, I couldn’t help noticing the lack of reviews because they’re one of my significant make-or-break features when I’m analyzing an escort directory. Hot handles location listings differently, meaning there’s a Review section for all the erotic massage parlors. I didn’t see many reviews during my visit today, but I’m delighted to see the feature there. Of course, review sections are only as valuable as the users make them, and I hope to see the Hot.com user base fill these out a little more. Reviews are helpful when you’re buying a new video game, switching your phone provider, or hiring somebody to rub the kinks out of your pee-pee muscle.

I did find a very useful one-star review of a joint called Healthy Massage. The Hot user spelled out why pervs like you and me won’t like this place in just two words. “Non-erotic,” he wrote. Ironically, such a bad review is so useful, but it comes with the territory when we’re talking about erotic massage. It’s hard to separate the erotic massage parlors from the non-erotic massage parlors. It’s just another reason why those built-in reviews are so important! Don’t get caught with your dick out at the wholesome parlors!

Rub My Weary, Horny Body

I decided to try my Hot.com erotic massage search from another angle. Instead of clicking my way through the location links on the front page, I just typed “erotic massage in San Francisco” into the search bar. I got back a few pages of text results with links to local places. I’m not sure where the text results come from because it’s a much better selection of real places than I’d expect from any of the” real” search engines.

Clicking on the “Images” link under the search bar brought up the familiar thumbnail-based view I’d seen browsing through city links. Again, I had instant access to contact info, hours of operation, and driving instructions. Still, it was kind of a mystery which places offer happy endings and which ones would really frown upon you whipping your dick out. Again, the review sections weren’t filled out enough to be all that helpful.

Ultimately, the biggest issue most of you will run into is just figuring out which massage parlors are really erotic and which ones just want to rub your back. Unfortunately, Hot.com doesn’t seem to have any baked-in method of differentiating the two, leaving it up to visitors to suss it out for themselves. This is nothing new in the world of erotic massage, as venues have historically relied on low-key word of mouth to get business. Sites like Hot do make it a bit easier to figure out, but we’re still a little dependent on customers who have gone before us.

That said, I’d definitely recommend looking at what Hot.com has to offer in your area. A quick search will let you know if there are any massage parlors in your area, not to mention any escorts, strip clubs, porn stores, and other adult businesses. I like to be abreast of these things even if I’m not in the market for a rub down because you never know when the urge might hit. Also, it doesn’t cost anything, and you don’t need to register an account, so just type in your city and see what comes up.