Love Asian massages? Looking for a happy ending massage at Rub Maps? The idea of an erotic massage at the hands of some Asian dimepiece is a thought that keeps me awake at night. Mostly because I’m jerking off. Not because it worries me or some shit. It’s the kind of shit you always see people doing in movies or hearing about happening to a friend of a friend. The idea of a sensual, oiled massage where some slut jerks your dick or blows you seems like a fantasy.
But is it? The hardest part about getting a massage with a happy ending is finding a parlor that does it. These places don’t want to get caught and shut down, so they are usually incredibly hard to find. You can’t just walk into your average massage place and ask for their hottest babe to suck you off. You’re apt to get kicked out and charged with harassment. And it’s not like you can simply look that shit up online. You’ll get results for porn about massage parlors, but not the parlors themselves. But don’t you worry, I’ve got a better way.
Rubmaps.ch aka RubMaps.com is a solely user-driven site that reviews, talks about, and shares pictures of “erotic massage parlors” across the United States. I put erotic massage parlors in quotes because I’m skeptical if every place on here actually has happy endings, or if they add in every massage parlor in your area, but I’ll get into that later.
I’m getting more mixed signals about when this site launched than that college slut who keeps grinding on me even though she’s got a boyfriend. The domain popped up way back in 2010, but their traffic was next to nothing until a February/March of 2019 where it shot up past 2 million visits every month. I don’t fucking know anymore.
Pretty Straightforward Site. Browse Locations or Chat in the Forum
The site has a blue and white design. Surprise surprise. I really am getting sick of this color scheme, but at least they seem to do it well at Rubmaps. It has a very similar design to any forum site on the internet. Up top you can search for parlors by state, or use the advanced search options to narrow it way down to shit like “shaven pussies, handjobs, ethnicity, and hourly rates.”
Below that there’s a header with options for “Forum, Slang, Blog, Escort Reviews, and Contact.” Everything except the forum and contact pages takes you to some other site. Not a bad site. It looks to be one of the site owners or affiliates personal blog about massage parlor hookups. There you can learn massage parlor slang, read personal reviews, and check out blog posts. The forum is decently active and has a few different topics that cover more general reviews, stories, and sharing experiences with others. It’s the place you go to humblebrag about the Chinese dimepiece that let you cum on her face.
Plenty of Filter Options Help You Find the Perfect Happy Ending
The rest of the site is dedicated to listings and reviews. You can filter your search by parlors nearby, in big cities near you, newest ones across the US, and that’s pretty much it unless you want to use the advanced search. When you pick a city you can then make it so you only get listings that have reviews that say they do erotic shit, are active, open, or have photos. But nothing here is guaranteed. It’s basically Yelp for massage parlors, so keep that in mind before you go to one of these places and whip your dick out.
Each listing will show the hourly rate (likely depending on what services you ask for), what ethnicity the masseuses are, what kind of payment they take, when the last review was made, how many user reviews there are, and it will also list all the contact info for the business. From there click on the business to get photos, additional details like jacuzzi availability or semi-truck parking, and read reviews.
Can’t Read Any Reviews Unless You Pay for a Pricey Membership
But there’s a catch. There’s always a fucking catch. This site is not completely free. You have to pay up nearly 20 bucks a month (149 for the year) to read any of the reviews they have on the site. Having to pay for such a basic feature is some major bullshit. Imagine if they did that shit on Yelp. Yeah, sorry, you can’t see if this Taco Bell is any good until you pay for a monthly membership. Maybe I’m being too harsh.
There aren’t any ads on the site, so they have to pay their bills somehow. But I’d rather ads at that point. I’m not about to pay to see what horrible, misspelled drivel some horny 40-year-old cuck has to say about his favorite massage parlor.
You can’t even get a rating out of 5 stars without paying. Huge fucking bummer. If you’re not paying for the membership, you might as well just use fucking Google. It’s about as helpful as the free version of the site is. The only saving grace is that you can filter by erotic parlors, so at least you know which ones might jerk you off if it really comes down to it.
And, of course, there are no 1-day trials, because that would undercut their whole sales strategy. You only ever need to look at this shit once, especially if you aren’t in a big city. My area is decently populated and only has 7 erotic parlors to browse from. Half of which don’t have a single damn review.
Good Mobile Experience for People Looking for Happy Endings on the Go
The mobile site works. It's got a decent layout that covers all the same bases that the desktop site does. Though there’s not much going on here that would make having a good mobile site that difficult. Search and scroll through listings easily on the go. This shit is good for you truckers or businessmen that are always traveling. Allow the site to track your location and you’ll get erotic parlors popping up everywhere. Those people are probably the only ones I’d recommend go premium. You never know what sketchy shit you might stumble into. But I wouldn’t bother with premium if you don’t plan to travel and only have a few local spots.
ThePornDude’s Favorite Features
My favorite thing about this site is that it’s pretty unique. They’ve cornered the market on quality reviews about erotic massage parlors. It’s an awesome idea. I’m for any site whose main goal is to help horny people get off. And I also enjoyed that you can get a fair idea of what to expect without having to pay. Yeah, they cordon off the most important part of the site behind a steep paywall, but at least you can view which ones in your area people have had supposedly had erotic experiences at. It gives you a place to start.
Don’t make people pay for the feature that your whole site is about unless you’re willing to give a free preview. Nobody in their right mind pays for a porn subscription without seeing a preview video. Nobody should buy your membership unless they can read one or two reviews for free. I’m not about to dish out 20 bucks only to get disappointed by the lack of quality reviews. If the site allowed those previews, then I don’t think I’d have any big complaints about the site. It does everything else well. The price is just too high for a user who is on the fence. At the very least include a 5 dollar 1-day preview or some shit.
ThePornDude’s Final Thoughts
Overall, Rubmaps.com does what it sets out to do. It’s a good site. I recommend you traveling fucks pick up the premium membership. That feels like the way the site was meant to be used. Sure, you can use it to find some erotic parlors in your area, but it’s not worth the steep asking price unless you just do it for a month and drop it. It’s a well-organized site with a decent forum. Check them out. You might just find a sexy massage joint to go bust a nut at.