RubPage

Rub Page threw me for a minute with the name, because the first thing I thought of was old-timey pornography printed on actual paper. The older masturbators in the audience may even still have some nudie rags underneath the mattress, but who really needs a physical stash when you’ve got access to so many bigger, better collections on the internet? I imagine it’s the same thing with erotic massage directories. Sure, your creepy uncle might have a handwritten list he keeps folded up in his wallet, but it probably ain’t going to be nearly as accurate, complete and up-to-date as something you’d find on the web.

RubPage.com calls themselves “the biggest and safest worldwide erotic massage and body rub directory,” which is exactly the kind of big, bold claim I expect from any adult website. I’d be ready to call immediate bullshit on the brag, but the joint has been getting steadily more popular since the start of the year. They get about 150 thousand visitors a month these days, and I’m curious just how many of them are getting rubbed via these pages. With that in mind, I went looking for an erotic rubdown of my own.

Who’s Getting Rubbed Tonight?

I got the Rub Page link in my inbox this morning, and I clicked through without really looking or reading the message that came with it. Maybe it’s because it’s Monday morning and I’m still rubbing the weekend out of my eyes, but I didn’t immediately recognize it as an erotic massage website. Similar sites tend to hit you with a wall of masseuse thumbnails or a list of locations first thing, typically with some other sexy window dressing to let you know this ain’t the right place to book your wife a Mother’s Day massage.

By contrast, RubPage’s got a clean, almost wholesome web 2.0 presentation, at least before you start scrolling. The logo is simple and the graphics surrounding the city/location search bar could be selling damn near anything, from phones or social networking to plane tickets or distance learning. If I couldn’t read, I might have left before I got to the good stuff, but the big text at the top lays out the site’s purpose: this is a Body Rub, Erotic and Nuru Massage Directory.

I’ve heard Nuru mentioned from time to time on other erotic massage sites, but RubPage.com makes a much bigger deal about it. Beneath the search bar, they dedicate a whole ten paragraphs on the front page to explaining just what Nuru is all about. To sum it up, it’s a Japanese form of erotic massage where the masseuse gets all oiled up and rubs you down with her own body. There are hypoallergenic, seaweed-based massage gels, chakra stimulation and stress relief, but let’s be real, most of you are interested in getting a hard katana from all that skin-to-skin contact.

It's kind of funny: the front page of RubPage.com forms something of a sandwich, with the real meat of the site between two big-ass blurbs about Nuru massage. What’s the meat, you ask? Well, it’s Featured Listings of erotic masseuses with hot thumbnails, locations and ratings. Apparently, ugly chicks don’t give Nuru massages, because all these chicks here are gorgeous. Let’s see what all they’re selling.

Genie, Please Rub My Lamp Erotically

Even before I really started digging into the RubPage listings, it was plain to see that there’s a beautiful variety of women offering their services on the site. I see slim brunettes, buxom blondes, big-assed Latinas and a couple sexy Asians. Most of the babes look to be in their twenties or early thirties, though I see some MILFs on the menu as well. I love how many of them are posing nude or semi-nude, often flashing some nice T&A to get you in the mood for a sensual rubdown.

If I have one complaint about the setup, it’s that there doesn’t seem to be a real Advanced Search function. You can choose your location, but there are no dropdown menus or checkboxes to select body types, ethnicities, hair color or any other physical features. You do get a few choices about what kind of massage you want, but that’s it.

RubPage.com has a list of Types of Massage out on their front page. They list fifteen styles, from Erotic Bodyrubs to Sensual Massages, Happy-Ending Massages to Bisexual Massages, Yoni Massages to Erotic Massages for Women. I was hoping these links would lead to lists of women in my area offering these types of massages, but it just ain’t so. You can browse by massage type once you choose your location, where you’ll see the listings broken down into just a handful of types: Bodyrub, Nuru, Four Hands, Therapeutic and Tantra.

I pulled up Rub Page’s directory of erotic masseuses working in San Francisco, which had workers in every category. The site has independent and spa listings, though all the SF chicks are independent. I clicked on a pretty girl named Crystal and checked out her profile. There are icons listing perks like Air Conditioner, Nuru Mattress and Car Parking, plus a well-written blurb about her breathtaking tantra sessions and her open hours.

There’s no registration required to view contact info on RubPage, so you don’t have to worry about giving out an email address or leaving any kind of paper trail. I can call Crystal up directly and make an appointment, and there’s also a link to her webpage. It's looking like I might not have to spend another lonely night by myself.

Who Else Knows This Sensual Masseuse?

The only downside to Crystal’s Rub Page listing is that it doesn’t yet take advantage of one of the site’s best features. Users can leave star ratings and written reviews of their massages and providers, so you can hear about somebody else’s experience before getting one for yourself. Reviews have become one of my make-or-break features for erotic massage and escort directories, because I wouldn’t even buy a new webcam without reading some reviews, let alone a Nuru massage.

I love that the reviews break down the ratings for Service, Location, Cleanliness and Value for Money. The catch is that you have to be registered with Rub Page to leave a review, and most users just ain’t doing it. To all the massage fans taking the time to let us know about your adventures, thank you.

I’d say the user reviews are one of the best features of RubPage, but now I’m going to flip this review around and talk about the absolute worst feature of the site. Throughout my whole visit, I had all kinds of trouble just navigating the place. I thought it might be a conflict with my adblocker, but the issues persisted even after I turned off my anti-spam plugin and switched browsers.

I’m not sure what the fuck is going on, but Rub Page loads slowly, with lots of blank white space on the page before anything appears. The worst part is that the links are often non-responsive, sometimes working after a few seconds and other times not. They seem to work best if you hover your mouse over them for a few seconds before clicking, but even that’s no guarantee. If you click one of the sliding thumbnails, you may even end up on the wrong page.

The design and presentation of the website are visually beautiful, but holy fuck, this was one of the worst user experiences I’ve had on a website in at least a month. If they made it work like a regular 21st century website and added an advanced search, this could almost be a perfect erotic massage directory. As in stands, the fucked-up, weird, slow-loading navigation is probably going to be a dealbreaker for easily frustrated perverts.

I’m hoping the issues are temporary, because RubPage.com has a lot going for it. It’s a well-built massage directory with listings around the world, as well as user reviews so you don’t end up getting ripped off by a tranny. (Unless that’s your kink, of course.) It doesn’t cost anything to use and there’s no registration required, so it wouldn’t hurt to see who’s offering their rubdown services wherever you happen to be.