You may not know this, but The Porn Dude sometimes likes to play video games in his free time. Yeah, I find it helps keep Mother Thumb and her four daughters in peak physical form for when it’s time for us to get back to playing with my own joystick. Naturally, I gravitate towards games with overtly sexual themes. Today I spent some time with RumBlade, one of the newer offerings from Nutaku’s ever-expanding collection.
RumBlade looks and feels a lot like your standard tactical RPG. You take your team on an almost never-ending series of battles with the ultimate goal of destroying some evil demon lord named Mara. What sets RumBlade apart from games like Final Fantasy Tactics is that the adventurers you’re leading are your own private harem of sexy samurai sluts.
Getting Into It
While RumBlade can be downloaded as an app for your Android device, you can also play it right on the web. Either way, Nutaku is where you’ll find it. I covered it in more depth in my full review, but all you need to know is that it’s a platform for hentai games like RumBlade. Sign up with Nutaku, play a bunch of sex games. Easy.
If you opt for the Android version so you can play this on bathroom breaks at work, be prepared to fart with the settings on your phone a bit to make it work. You’ll probably get a prompt about it as soon as you try to install, so you shouldn’t have trouble if you’re not a complete tech idiot. I’m playing the web version for this review, but it shouldn’t make a difference.
After loading for about a minute, the game started. My character wakes up, confused, staring at some big-tittied bitch in a flowing anime princess dress. The image is lightly animated, so the boobs bounce around a little even though she’s just standing there. She yells something about a demon, but says there’s no real time to explain.
It’s Time to Fight
The pre-battle screen asks you to choose your party and add artifacts. The tutorial actually does all the choices for you, and then tells you to choose wisely. It’s a little late for the advice, because you’re immediately dropped into battle.
The fight screen will look familiar to anyone who’s ever played an RPG. Your team is on the left side of the screen, your enemies are on the right. The girls of your harem appear in their semi-realistic anime style at the bottom where your hit points are listed, but the characters doing the fighting are rendered on the battlefield as cutesy CG characters.
Each character has an attack and at least one special move that varies depending on the girl. As in other RPGs, you want a mix of sluts who can kill stuff and whores who can heal your team while you’re in combat. The artifact you chose earlier is a special attack that can be used once you build up enough power.
There’s really nothing inherently sexy or pornographic about the battles. The different attacks and spells don’t have sexy names, there’s no flirty banter, no erotic stripteases after downing an opponent. If it weren’t for the naked manga broads framing the game window, you’d really think it was just some fantasy RPG.
RumBlade’s learning curve is not steep by any measure. You can click randomly and probably still win the first half dozen battles. Soon, though, you’ll have to pay attention to the moves you’re making if you want to survive. You’ll figure out more each battle, and the on-screen tips from the load screens will start making sense.
After each battle, you collect a bunch of Rewards like gems and power-ups. My first fight ended with one dangly earring in the Rewards box.
It’s Time to Fuck
After I vanquished my initial foes, the tutorial brought me to what would turn out to be my home screen. Here, I was instructed to click Flirt, and then give my girl YukiMura the earing.
YukiMura, the babe in the weird Sailor Moon dress who woke me up in the beginning, appears on the screen, looking surprised. “Does this mean you have a feeling for me?” she asks. “Well, I guess I do, too.”
RumBlade then told me I’d unlocked Affection level 2, and asked if I’d like to watch the adult scenario now or later. I was already five minutes into the game, so I was damn good and ready to see some anime slut get slammed!
Yuki popped back up on the screen, only now her dress was pulled up. Pink, perky nipples topped her enormous mammaries, which were being groped from behind by our hero. Turns out dude is a fucking stallion, plunging his huge cock into YukiMura’s cunt from behind.
I’m happy to report this game doesn’t pixelate the genitalia. Every dick vein and drop of pussy juice was crisp as day. The only problem was that the image was still, unanimated.
The pictures change a little bit as you click through the dialogue, showing Yuki getting increasingly hot and bothered before getting drenched with jizz. The audio is in Japanese, but the subtitles spell out such witty repartee as, “Mmm… your cock is inside me!” There’s plenty of moaning and squealing interspersed with the talking.
I love hearing the sound of Japanese chicks on the edge of orgasm. The broad in the game says shit like, “Ahh! Grabbing my tits! My nipples are getting hard!” It would sound awkward and hilarious in English, but since I can’t speak the language it just sounds like sexy babbling to me.
This is your first opportunity to jack off to the game, so click slowly and savor it. Alternately, just click the Auto button like I did and the “conversation” will play out, hands-free.
After you both cum, which surprises the hell out of her, she gets tired and says, “Now that we have done it, I have to admit you really good at it. But that doesn’t mean I am in love with you!” I guess you’ll have to work harder, numbnuts!
Gotcha with the Gacha
YukiMura tells you it’s time to get back to business before the game drops you back to the home screen. The tutorial then tells you to click Gacha, highlighting RumBlade’s real business.
Gacha, if you’re unaware, is like the Japanese version of the lootbox. You spend in-game currency to get randomized items that could include new characters, power-ups, or more in-game currency. You can usually earn a small amount of the game money just by playing, but the game is tilted heavily in favor of people who buy fake cash with their real credit card.
RumBlade gave me one free samurai for my harem. I ended up with a slim babe named Kaihimi. She’s got a skimpy dress, boobs as big as her head, and four out of five stars.
Hitting the Paywall
I fought my way through an embarrassing number of battles, trying to get to the next sex scene. There were a few non-erotic dialogue scenes spliced throughout, further spelling out the story of the demon king. Apparently, my status as a man will help these bitches out, because some evil bad-guy spell only works on women. #metoo
I made it all the way to the first boss stage without losing a battle. When the big skeleton dude showed up on the screen, he crushed my harem in a few rounds. The Lost Battle screen suggests you buy a new samurai, upgrade the ones you have, or upgrade your city.
It’s pretty telling where they send you when you die. All the options required more game money than I had. Instead of spending real money, I tried to tough it out and dial in my strategy. I still got trounced every time.
RumBlade’s battle system is surprisingly nuanced for a sex game, but those sex scenes are few and far in-between. I can see this maybe appealing to stoners, as it might fit their smoke/game/masturbate cycle. Aside from the generally high, true enthusiasts of both strategy RPGs and hentai might want a look. The dealbreaker for most horny gamers, though, is always going to be the expensive gacha system.