AEBN Anal

Humans love to argue. We'll battle about almost anything. That's why we create forms of entertainment we can debate about instead of resorting to real issues. It helps us get our inner monkeys out so we can function as members of civilized society while at work.

Master Debaters

Sports fill this role quite well. Right now, at any sports bar in the world, you can find a couple of guys in a heated debate about rules, bad calls, who the GOAT is, and who is going to have a better next season. Entire relationships can hinge on the victory of a team.

I've seen men who didn't cry at their parent's funeral, their wedding, or the birth of their child that opened up the waterworks for a Super Bowl win. I'm not sure what that says about guys in general, but phycologists would probably call it a bad sign. However, I call it excellent emotional regulation.

While sports are important, we can't let petty arguments detract us from the essential questions in life. Questions like which is better, fucking the mouth, pussy, or asshole? This question has been mulled over by every man ever to stick his dick in a moist hole. It's one of the greatest mysteries of our time, and everyone has an opinion.

Mans Greatest Accomplishment

Let's take this debate hole by hole, starting with the mouth. I want all men on the planet earth to pat themselves on the back right now. It took a long time, but we finally changed human culture to reflect the needs of our penis, and now all bitches suck dick.

That wasn't always the case. We had to fight for blow jobs to become the norm. Now bitches battle over who gives better head. What a wonderful time to be alive.

Not only did we make the blow job a regular part of sex, but we bred the gag reflex right out of these bitches. I haven't gotten a blow job from a bitch with a gag reflex since I was in high school. It's fucking incredible. It might be our most extraordinary accomplishment, gentlemen. Fuck landing on the moon. Fuck the Large Hydron Collider. Fuck Nuclear power. Even combined, those accomplishments pale in comparison to training every bitch how to properly blow cock.

What makes the blow job so amazing is the fact men don't have to do anything. The workload is entirely on the bitch. All I have to do is sit back and enjoy. It's also the perfect hole for multitasking. Because all my limbs are free, I can drive, do taxes, play video games, or get some work done, all while a bitch bob's on my knob like corn on the cob.

The only downside is that blow jobs rely on the skills of the provider. If your bitch has no head game, your dick is about to be chewed up and spit out like a piece of grape Bubble Tape.

Leader of the Holes

The pussy is considered the leader of the hole-y trinity. It's the one orifice that was purpose-built for cock to ram into. As a result, it has the ideal dimensions for cock massage. The vaginal walls are slippery yet still grip, providing the nerves on your dick tip the trip of their lifetime.

Of course, the pussy is perfectly placed within the hips so bitches can work it and twerk it while they ride your johnson like the royal stead it is. And let's not forget about the kegel muscles. I've fucked bitches with enough core strength to snap my dick off at the root and fire out into the woods, to never be seen again.

The only downside to the pussy is that slinging ropes inside of it can lead to spawn. As the Porndude, producing spawn has always been my mortal enemy, especially considering that my alpha sperm is so strong, powerful, and fast. Their twice the size of the average beta sperm. What do they look like, you ask? Imagine if Rambo fucked a tadpole, and the resulting child was raised by Copperhead snakes. That's what my sperm looks like.

Orphan Annie's Asshole

That brings us to the star of this review, anal. Anal is the redheaded stepchild of fuckable orifices. Not everyone likes it, it gets made fun of, and no one talks about it publicly. Of all the holes, the anus gets used the least, and that's a shame. Much like redheaded stepchildren, the anus is misunderstood.

People fear the poopie within, but the people need not be scared of the poopie. The poopie will not bite. Listen to me. Will some poop come out if you fuck a bitch right after she eats a spicy burrito from Taco Bell? Probably. That's why you have to plan.

But it's the planning aspect that makes the asshole such a rarely-used entry point. Most of us don't plan ahead like that, especially when two other holes are waiting and at the ready.

However, if you are willing to put the extra work in, the asshole has many gifts for your penis. It's tight, doesn't contain eggs, and proves a bitches dedication to your pleasure.

Unfortunately, my readers can't even get a fucking hand job, let alone anal, so let me introduce you to the anal section of Straight Aebn. Straight Aebn is a pay-by-the-minute premium porn site with a brimming selection of anal porn that will keep you and your cock busy for years.

Bath and Booty Works

I've reviewed the site as a whole in the past, so let's move directly on to the awesome anal content you'll find in its library, starting with "Tubby with Mommy," produced by Yummy Girl and starring Sofie Marie and Alex Jett.

Alex just returned home after a long drive through the country and desperately needs a shower. His stepmother, Sofia Marie, suggests that he take a "tubby" like he used to when he was a little kid. Alex agrees and pours himself a nice warm bath.

As Alex relaxes in the water, his alone time is rudely interrupted by Sofia. However, she makes up for the interruption by offering to wash him just like she used to. Alex is a little weirded out, but Sofia seems sincere, so he agrees to some assistance.

As Sofia washes his back, a lock of her hair gets wet. Well, what's the point of trying to stay dry now? So Sofia says fuck it, strips naked, and hops right in the tub with the shocked Alex.

Sophia continues to clean her stepson, but now he is rock hard. He can't help it. Maybe if his stepmom didn't have such great tits, he could have kept control.

Since they are alone in the house, Sophia lets her stepson lick her pussy. He tries to make a move to shove his cock in her puss, but she turns him down. He is her stepson, after all. Instead, she offers to suck his dick clean. At least this bitch isn't a total prude.

Eventually, though, her lust gets the better of her, and she leads Alex to the bedroom by his young cock and lets him into her Candyland. Apparently, Sofia has completely given up because not only does she let him in her pussy, she lets him in her asshole also.

Massive Appetite

Next up, we have "Hungry For Anal," produced by 21st Sextury and starring Shona River, Candie Luciana, Linda Leclair, and Sara Jones. In the first scene, Candie Luciana is a sexy little horn dog that never says no when her wet pussy comes calling.

She has been extra horny all day and can't stop fucking herself in the ass with her favorite giant dildo. David Perry hears all the commotion from down the hall and walks in to see what the excitement is about. When he arrives, he finds Candie spread eagle with ten inches of silicone up her ass.

As he watches, he can't help but pull his member out and stroke it. Who wouldn't? The problem is that he gets too into jerking off and forgets to remain quiet. He thought Candie would be pissed to discover him jerking off in the corner, but instead, she's pleasantly surprised. She was hoping a real cock would walk by and take care of her needs.

Anal sex doesn't get the shine that vaginal and oral sex does, but those of us who know its wonders have a special place in our hearts for it. The anus is a gift to man from the universe. Don't waste your blessings by not sticking your cock in them.

Straight Aebn is at the top of the pay-by-the-minute premium porn food chain. It's one of the best porn sites in the world and, as such, doesn't have much wrong with it. However, I wouldn't mind if they removed the bright white background.

I know you motherfuckers are hungry for anal, so why not watch the movie "Hungry for Anal"?