Vintage 8mm Porn

The very first depictions of humans having sex were plastered on cave walls thousands of years ago. These crude sketches weren’t much to look at, but they were enough to light a fire under cavemen’s balls. Sure, it does nothing for us now, but we owe those ancient cave painters a debt of gratitude. Were it not for the groundbreakers; I couldn’t be watching two red-headed midget sisters scissoring on top of a taxidermied wildebeest right now.

I wonder what cavemen used for lube back in the day. Peat moss? Moist ashes? Muddy water? Maybe women could sell their natural pussy juices as lube in exchange for twigs and berries. So the women would get twigs and berries, and the men would stroke their twigs and berries. It seems like a fair deal to me.

Perhaps they dry-stroked it but think about it. It’s okay for humans to dry stroke because we are all soft and pink. The roughest thing that touches my finger pads are keys on a keyboard. Our ancestors were swinging through trees, throwing spears, and lighting fires. There’s no way their hands weren’t rough, calloused, blocks. It would feel better to masturbate with a belt sander.

Eventually, as technology got better, depictions of sex made the jump from cave walls to earthen pottery. Finally, porn could be brought into the home where it belongs. These drawings were more perverted decoration than masturbation fuel, but it got the job done if desperate enough. At this point, though, porn is not better than the human imagination. Clay carvings can’t compete with the tool behind the eyes and between the ears.

It wasn’t until the invention of the camera that the human mind could be trumped by technology. Sculpture and painting could get close, but it’s not like renaissance painters were creating hentai. Illustration still had a long way to go until it could reach the genius of anime porn. If only we could time travel and bring them some examples. They would be so happy to see their influence on modern art while watching a squid tentacle fuck a big-eyed freak with massive tits and a triangle for a head.

I often wonder how long it took between the invention of the camera obscura and someone getting naked in front of one. I can’t imagine it was more than a month. I only say that long because it would have taken a lot of preparation to make it happen. You had to be outside in natural light after all. Fellow townspeople didn’t take kindly to naked women standing in front yards. I’m not sure why. I would have thought it was fucking awesome, but I have a more developed sense of morals and pleasure than those heathens.

The image a camera obscura produced could only be captured and kept if someone traced and painted it themselves. This was a vast improvement, but it didn’t help the common man jerk his proto-cock off.

The camera obscura set the stage for real cameras to be invented, though, and we all know how that story plays out. I’ll estimate the time between the first picture and the first picture of a naked woman being taken is how long it took Joseph Nicephore Niepce to travel down the hallway to his wife’s room.

From there, the only direction to travel was up. As cameras got better and better, so did the porn they produced. The age of modern porn didn’t truly start until the advent of the motion picture. Whatever unsuspecting man who watched the first porn ever made must have had his mind blown. The feeling in his pants was foreign but undeniable. The question isn’t if he masturbated, but how.

Modern Male Masturbation Methods

Have men always masturbated the way modern man masturbates? The one-handed gun handle grip seems natural to us, but perhaps it was not always so. For example, that’s not the way I first masturbated.

A friend of mine would lay on his belly and hump his hands. That seems more like the natural solution over the gun grip. It’s how you would lay down in missionary, plus it lets you hump instead of stroke. For anyone who has tried this method, though, you know it’s not nearly as good as our modern methods. You can’t grip the entire cock while hand humping. Plus, it takes way too much effort. If I felt like humping, I would go fuck a bitch.

If you want to take a deep dive into what porn used to be, Vintage8mmporn is a great place to do it. You won’t find any coffee cup carvings or cave wall vixens, but you will discover superb porn produced between the sixties and early two thousands. That covers several generations of porn, including the much-vaunted golden age between nineteen sixty-nine and nineteen eighty-four. The golden age started with Andy Warhol producing the film “Blue Movie,” which was the first time a porn movie received a wide theatrical release, and it changed the world forever.

While “Blue Movie” hasn’t yet made its way to Vintage8mmporn due to extenuating circumstances, tons of other golden-era movies have. But, of course, just because that period is called the golden age doesn’t mean the nineties and two thousands didn’t have tons of fantastic porn also, and you can find it all on Vintage8mmporn. Not only that, but they have a massive library of porn magazines starting all the way back to the beginning with Playboy and hustler.

Old Porn, New Window Dressing

While the content on Vintage8mmporn is old, the website design is not. Okay, maybe a little. The plain white background makes the place seem a bit dated, but everything functions up to modern standards. The main menu up top has the options Home, Search bar, Eight-millimeter loops, Sex magazine, Sex movies, VHS, Help, Categories listed alphabetically, Actress, and Premium membership.

All the content on Vintage8mmporn is available for download but not for viewing on site. That’s fine with me, and I think it’s fine with the average visitor also. The type of people that like to watch old-school porn is the same type that prefers to maintain their own library of filth. I think that’s because downloading them feels closer to owning the tapes like they grew up on.

While some of the content on Vintage8mmporn is available for free much of it sits behind the premium firewall. Access to the whole site costs nothing, but you will have to cough up some change if you want to download everything. Running a classic porn site isn’t like running your average tube site. This is a niche pleasure, so advertising revenue would be minimal. Direct payment is the only way Vintage8mmporn can be profitable.

For that price, you will receive easy and seamless downloads in as high quality as the older content will allow. It happens fast also, so you can fill up your external hard drive with so much vintage porn your computer will start running windows 95. If somehow you have any trouble, Vintage8mmporn has a help page complete with pictures where they show you exactly how to download the content. If you can’t figure it out after that, I’m not sure how you’re smart enough to stroke your johnson.

As a connoisseur of all things porn, my collection spans decades. I am what a wine sommelier is but for naked bitches. I can tell you the vintage of pussy by a single grainy photo. I am a master of my domain, and no man can equal my porn knowledge. If you are a passionate porn head like me, you owe it to yourself to check out the origins of your love. I think you will be surprised by how large your boner gets. Just because something is old doesn’t mean it can’t still work like a charm.

Vintage8mmporn still has room to develop the site into an even more refined home for old porn. First off, tossing out that white background would help a ton. In an era where many websites have a day and night mode, I’m not sure how others are still fucking this up - white backgrounds are harsh on the eyes. I watch porn for hours and hours, and I can’t have your stupid white background wearing my eyes out of my head.

Dust off that rusty old cock of yours and take it on a historical tour of filth and debauchery. Wouldn’t you like ending a jerk session having learned something about history you will forget after a post-coital nap?