Ah, Tube Porn Classic! A vintage porn tube with free classic porn movies! The good old days. Back when porn stars had bushes, and pornos were actually movies. People used to really put effort into their pornography. It was an art form, not the mass-produced 15-minute clips we have today. Not that there’s anything wrong with porn today. If anything, I think that porn stars have only gotten hotter and hotter over the years. But, still, there is nothing like a little bit of that old-school classic porno. The shit that your dad grew up watching. Before, of course, he finally got laid and you were born.
Don’t worry, I’m sure he’s happy about it. Well, he’s happy about the getting laid part. Maybe not so much about the having you part. I don’t care what anyone says, no man is ever truly 100% thrilled when a woman tells him that she is pregnant. It’s just not in our nature. Our instinct is to keep going, spread our seed elsewhere. It may not be a popular thing to say, but every man, deep down, even if he won’t admit it, is a little disappointed when he learns that he will be a dad.
Later, of course, he rationalizes it, tricks himself into being happy about it. But in those first moments? No way. Children represent the death of freedom! And men need their freedom. Don’t worry, though, your dad rediscovered his freedom when he started fucking his secretary as soon as your mom started to show with you. Hey, can you honestly blame him? Come on, let’s face it, you would’ve done the same. I mean, fuck, you should’ve seen his secretary back then. Fuckin’ smoking! Actually, I think I may have seen her in a ‘70’s porno once. Way hotter than your mom … he made the right choice.
Oh, not in having you, I meant in cheating on your mom. No, he should have tripped your mom down a flight of stairs the minute she told him ‘the good news.’ But, hey, it all worked out, though, because once your mom learned of the affair, she came to me for revenge. And I fucked her so hard she went into menopause right on the spot. Tell your dad he can thank me later.
Phew, I’m glad I got that off my chest. It’s really been weighing on my conscience. Don’t worry, I’m kidding … I don’t have a fuckin’ conscience! But, anyway, where was I? Oh yeah: nostalgia, porn bushes, quality pornographic films. Sorry, talking about bush always makes me think of your mom. Seriously, though, they just don’t make pornos like they used to.
Of course, there were plenty of downsides to the world of porn back then, too. The main one being that the internet was not invented yet. So, you had to actually pick your lazy ass up out of your masturbation throne, get in the car, and drive to some seedy porn store once you got sick of whatever movies you had at home. And there was certainly no such thing as free porn. The only free porn that existed back then was being lucky enough to happen upon your dad’s stash under the mattress or in some trick door in the back of the closet.
Finding porn videos was rare, though, in general. You’d be much more likely to happen upon your dad’s Playboys than anything else. And then that’s way too weird to jerk off to because you realize about halfway through that you’re jacking off while holding a magazine that your dad also, at some point, jacked off while holding. Pretty gross stuff. Thank the dark lord Satan for the internet!
But maybe you’re not a fan of the big-budget modern professional porn stuff. Maybe you’re just an old-fashioned kinda guy. And you want a little taste of a begotten time. Well, no need to worry, I have just the site for you. Allow me to introduce to you, Tube Porn Classic: the premier free porn tube for gentlemen who are not of this time. On Tube Porn Classic, all you will find is the most classic smut known to man. The OG porn. What vinyl is to music, retro adult films are to the porn industry. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s fuckin’ groovy, brother. Can ya dig?
Awesome, Minimalist Site Design
From the moment you land on Tube Porn Classic, you may notice that it looks subtly different from the majority of porn tubes out there. Not entirely different, mind you, just a little more minimalistic. It still has a similar layout, though, with a search bar at the very top of the page, a site menu bar just below it, and a gallery of thumbnails underneath that. From there, feel free to click through page after page after page of nostalgic smut.
In the site menu bar, choose between Home, Latest, Top Rated, Most Viewed, Categories, Models, Albums, Playlists, and Community. Below that, you’ll find a few different sections if you scroll down the page a bit. First, you can check out the Videos Being Watched now (which I always thought was a little weird, to make transparent the fact that you’re likely jacking off at the same exact time to the same exact video as hundreds of other horny motherfuckers around the world). Keep scrolling to come across the site’s Top Models, allowing you to check out some of the hottest dames known to man. Then, at the bottom of the page, you’ll find New Videos … and I don’t think I have to explain to you retards what that entails.
Great Community Features
One thing that I honestly did not expect to see from this site is a Community feature. And a pretty damned good one, at that. Browse members by gender, age range, city, and country. Once you land on someone’s page, you will have convenient access to all of the videos that they’ve uploaded, all the playlists they’ve created, and all of the photo albums they’ve curated. You can also subscribe to users, add them as friends, and send them messages. You know, for a site dedicated to porn from the past, it certainly has all the perks of the modern-day and age. I approve.
You know, I am of the opinion that all porn sites should have some sort of community feature or social networking component to them. And if you’ve read my reviews before, chances are you already know my feelings on this. But porn was never meant to be a default move for when you're horny. Sex, obviously, should always be the first choice. Porn should only exist to get us through those dry spells or those times that pussy is not a viable option, you know?
I think that’s the problem with my generation (read: Millenials), we aren’t having nearly as much sex as the generations that came before us. And I think it’s because too many of us are too fucking socially inept to tear ourselves away from the screen to actually go out and get our dicks wet. We grew up on porn, and it’s like so many of us are just fucking fine with that! Well, I think it’s bullshit. That’s right, get off my lawn … oh, wait, that’s right, you don’t go outside; so, you couldn’t be on my lawn, could you? Fucking losers…
A Couple Minor Setbacks
Well, at least I can escape my shitty generation by drifting off into the porn of another. And, for the most part, this site does a really good job of transporting me. I will say, however, that I was expecting to see a much greater number of full-length films, given the fact that the only pornos made back in the day were full-length films. A surprising number of the videos on Tube Porn Classic, though, look as if they are scenes cut from longer movies, thus resulting in the usual 10 to 20-minute clips. This is a fairly easily solved problem, though, thanks to the site’s ingenious design. All you have to do is find the search results filer dropdown bar (hint: it’s right under the site menu) and choose for the videos to be organized by length (longest to shortest). This should help you get on your horny way.
My only other real complaint with this site is another relatively small one: you cannot download movies. I mean, I’m not personally a big porn downloader, but I know that some people are; some people like to have a stash on their hard drive in case their internet should ever crash, and I respect that. So, bad news for you folks, no dice on this site. This setback, though, is almost more than made up for by the fact that each video has a sprawling list of related videos below it, and – something that I don’t believe I have ever seen on a porn site before, but I love – a tab in the related vids section to switch to a list of videos featuring the same actress or actresses. Why is this not more common?