SpankBang Vintage

The old adage ‘they don’t make them like they used to’ holds enough truth that it has become a cliche. Shit just isn’t made to last like it used to be, but whether that phrase fits in porn can be debated. One could argue that porn studios don’t put the time, energy, and passion into porn that they used to back in the day, but I’m not sure that’s true. And even if it was, modern technology helps make up for some of that loss. The insane detail seen in current high definition porn blows what VHS and Betamax had to offer out of the water. I could never go back to watching porn in 240P. It’s gross to even think about.

I wish I could go back in time to the seventies to show people the graphic quality of porn now. Their penises would never be the same. VHS porn would look like formless blobs on an old cathode TV after seeing 4K pussy on a seventy-five-inch TV screen. Shit, real-life bitches will look like blobs also. You can get a better look at Riley Reid’s pussy on your computer than you can your wife’s from two inches away. Your TV is better than your fucking eyes.

Remasturbating

Everyone loves an original, though, and these days, using computers, old porn can be remastered to suit the eyes of a modern masturbator. So those fuzzy titties can be brought back to life in definition the director would have never thought feasible. Some of you younglings might think old porn doesn’t have anything for you, but I think your penis will find much to love.

However, digitizing vintage porn is easier said than done. It’s probably more straightforward to shoot new porn altogether than it is to find and rescue an old one. First, you have to locate the shit. People usually don’t conserve their porn like, say, their comic books. Everyone has seen the plastic sleeves with acid-free cardboard to keep comics uncreased and unfaded. Not even I have seen people storing porn in hermetic refrigerators or humidity-controlled safety deposit boxes. Porn gets collected in one of two places. It’s either crammed away hidden in a closet or tossed haphazardly amongst take-out boxes and beer cans. Neither provides an exceptionally safe environment for long-term storage.

Even if your grandpa kept his vintage porn collection in pristine order, families don’t tend to offer such things at estate sales. I’ve never been to a garage sale where I was offered a copy of 1978s’ seminal porn masterpiece “Debbie Does Dallas.” If I’m not getting a copy of such a world-famous title at my neighbors’ garage sale, then I’m definitely not getting a copy of “Dorothy makes a Dookie.”

Getting your hands on vintage porn is only the first step. You will still need an array of software and hardware to help you digitize the content. This is some specialty shit that people don’t just keep around the house for shits and giggles, so you will have to get your porn professionally transmogrified. That can be done easily enough if you’re trying to digitize a recording of your kid’s elementary school graduation, but people tend to be wary of a guy with a large box of porn VHS tapes.

If you’re like me, that’s way too much work. Fortunately, great porn websites like Spankbang have vintage categories that have done all the work for us already. So all you have to do is prepare your penis to receive an old-school beat down.

Spankbang is an all-around top-tier porn website no matter what you like to watch, so it’s not surprising that they have a world-class selection of the old shit. It feels like wandering the shelves of some ancient French wine cellar. There are vintages from all the best years, and unlike wine, every year is a great year for porn. It just keeps getting better and better.

Spankbang has been around for many moons, so their website is extremely well crafted at this point. They have the main menu for the whole site and a filter for the vintage content. The main menu has the options Home, A search bar, Register, Log in, Gender, Language selector, Switch to the mobile site, Videos, Trending, New, Live cams, TV, Categories, Pornstars, and Offers. The subsequent filter has the options Relevant, Trending, New, Popular, Video quality, Duration, and Release date.

These guys have a fucking insane amount of vintage porn. It would take the rest of your measly life to attempt watching all this shit. There are two thousand and ninety-two pages totaling around eighty-five thousand different videos. God damn. Did they find all of the fucking vintage porn?

Not only did they find all this porn, but much of it has been remastered. If you tried to hook a VHS player up to your current TV, it would look like shit, but Spankbang found remasters that look great on modern hardware. You’ll forget that the bitch you’re jerking off to probably died twenty years ago.

Spankbang video player pages pack a lot of info into a small space without shit looking chaotic. That’s one way you can tell these guys are porn veterans. Of course, that information includes all of the regular shit like title, actresses, tags, duration, and user rating. My favorite is the screenshots and time stamps. You can use the stamps like the chapters listed in a book.

Every porn website should do the same thing. It makes finding your perfect scene as easy as pulling your cock out. I’m sure Spankbang didn’t originate it, but they are smart enough to know a good thing when they see it.

There’s so much golden vintage content on Spankbang that I barely know where to begin. I love their international content, and there’s a ton of it. “Among the Greatest Porno Ever Italian Vintage 1993 Restored” had my dick doing donuts.

The film starts with a man speaking to a woman on the toilet, taking a piss. The Italians have never fucked around. After she wipes, the dude doesn’t even let her pull the panties back up. Instead, he gently removes them and takes a big whiff of the goods. I guess he likes what he smells because there’s no stopping him now.

There’s a lot of cock blowing in this film. Italian is a romance language, so I imagine the head game on these cunts is superb. Speaking of cunts, this is Italy circa 1993. These cunts haven’t seen a brush, scissors, or clippers in their whole life. It’s all au natural.

All is Fair in Sex and War

“SEKA Tropics - Movie - Vintage” is another example of my favorites. This one starts with an American Sailor in Asia looking for some fine Asian pussy. This guy needs a break from war, and what better place to do that than inside some Japanese bitches pussy. What’s also clear is that this bitch hasn’t seen a sailor’s cock before. Besides being used and fake abused, as every sailor’s cock is, it’s also of impressive size. However, she seems unsure if it will end up fitting inside her.

Sensing her concern, the sailor goes down on her to help lube things up first. He doesn’t want to put his cock up in a dry dock, and neither does she. Fortunately, once a proper amount of saliva is applied, his member slides right in. This bitch rears up and rides cowgirl style right off the bat. I appreciate the passion. This bitch must have taken dick night classes because she knows all the places to hit.

Vintage porn isn’t everybody’s bag, but I’m a huge fan. Watching vintage fuck films tickles the nerdy porn professor and the horny savage in me. This must be what watching Star Trek porn must feel like to Sci-Fi nerds. Both my penis and my brain have a boner, but you don’t have to be a porn professor to appreciate what Spankbangs vintage section has to offer.

Not only is the old-school content tremendous, but the site containing it is well-built and maintained. This isn’t Spankbang’s first rodeo, so the site design is spectacular. You will have no problem locating precisely what your cock craves.

These guys are great at what they do, so there isn’t much I would change on Spankbang. If someone twisted my arm and forced me to come up with something, though, I would say the thumbnails are too small. If they increased them by about fifty percent, they wouldn’t fit as many on a page, but they would be much easier to see.

Show some love for your ancestors and try masturbating to what they did many moons ago. You may find you have more in common with them than you think.