Gods Of Hentai

Goddamnit. I just got kicked off of yet another MMORPG for sending other players pictures of my dick. It’s not my fault if killing orcs and gathering treasure makes me raging hard. I need a new game. Gods of Hentai calls itself The First Hentai MMORPG Game, so maybe it’s exactly what I’m looking for.

Unleash Heroes and Collect Panties

To play GodsOfHentai, you’ll have to head over to Eroges. The site is full of anime sex games and visual novels, so there are plenty more cartoon titties to gawk at when you’re done playing this one. My link will drop you right onto the game’s page, where you can find a bunch of screengrabs and a video preview. Take a look so you know what you’re getting yourself into.

If you want to get right into it, click Connect To Play, right there at the top. This Flash game is only available on PC or Mac, so you’ll have to play on your computer at work instead of on your phone on the toilet. There’s a quick link to the Eroges Discord if you need some hand-holding in the form of guides and tutorials.

The pics do look like the description. You’ll see a few of the standard screens you see in almost any MMORPG, only with sex mixed in. A battle screen has what looks to be a couple of slave women servicing some elf-looking dude, and there are more exposed breasts on the party recruitment screen than I’ve seen in an MMORPG. The inventory screen looks pretty vanilla until I zoom in; that bitch has her boobs out, too!

I’m pretty much sold already, but the trailer is only a minute long so I give it a go. The scrolling text only confirms my need to play this perverted adventure. COLLECT PANTIES! RECRUIT HEROES! AWAKE THEIR ABILITIES! UNLEASH YOUR POWERS! BE READY TO FIGHT! Yeah, I’m into it. Let’s play.

Become a Boob Saber or a Dick Mage

You’ll actually need to register an account with Eroges before you can play anything. Yeah, it’s a roadblock in the way of your hentai video game and manga sluts, but it’s instant and painless. You don’t have to sign up for their email newsletter, and I give them props for not checking the box automatically like other sites. You do get some free Eroges tokens for a little spam, so your mileage may vary.

You don’t have to verify your account, so you’ll be playing as soon as you enable Flash. Yeah, I know. Flash is antiquated garbage and should just go die, but this is GodOfHentai’s only current format. Let’s hope they port it to something invented in this millennium.

As with any MMORPG, this one starts with character creation. Choose a Saber with her giant knockers hanging out, holding only a massive sword for protection. There’s also a Mage with what looks like a bunch of Medusa dicks coming out of his crotch, and an assassin with no obvious fantasy-porn enhancements. He probably throws ninja stars made of his own semen or something, and he does have ASS in his name twice.

I went with the titties and the sword. The game generates a name for you, or you can pick your own. I called her SwordTits and clicked Start. There was no skill selection or stat rolling before the CONNECTING TO SERVER screen popped up. I looked at close-ups of anime princess butts while I waited. If you hover your mouse over one, the panties disappear.

Big Breasts, Big Swords, Big Action?

After rubbing one out to the hentai asses, I got the impression this thing was frozen. It said 100%, but also still said it was CONNECTING. I hit the Server button and switched to one of the overseas ones. Unlike my Suggested Server, this one connected in a few seconds.

GodsOfHentai drops you off at a new player nexus that looks like the courtyard of some kind of floating palace. Remember those three characters you had to choose from? Well, here they are again.

There are dozens of other players walking around in here, but there are only three different character sprites. The only reason I can tell which one I am is because SwordTits moves when I click.

There’s not much action. A lot of the characters are just standing around, and there’s no text at all scrolling through the chatbox. Maybe everyone just hurried on to the first task.

The Task List floating to side tells me I need to talk to Brienne to get a gig. Clicking her name makes SwordTits walk straight to her.

Brienne is another broad with a sword and exposed jugs, but at least she looks slightly different from me. She wants me to accept a task. There’s no dialogue yet, so I go ahead and take the job so I can find out what it is.

It turns out she’ll let me join her club if I can go out and kill some monsters. She says I need to be in the club so I don’t get fucked up out there. It sounds like I better be a tough, sexy motherfucker either way.

Flash Your Tits, Swing Your Axe

My first stop is in a town where painful moans come from all sides. I hope it’s sluts getting boned, but it could be those monsters they mentioned terrorizing people. I guess the best scenario is that the monsters are ravaging the women, but we’ll see.

Going into battle for the first time, there’s not much for me to do on the pre-fight screen. There are clearly options for when I start building a party and leveling up, but right now I’m just one character with no special moves or magical dildos that give me a +4 WIS bonus. I get in the ring without selecting anything.

Fortunately, one of the sword sluts I was talking to earlier accompanied me into the fray. We fought some ugly dude named Pharoah, who had some cocky shit to say before he got taken down by a couple of broads. My rewards were more experience points, more coins, and some other purple-iconed stack of digits I’m sure I’ll have to spend on something soon.

There’s no strategy, at least for the first fight. The characters attack each other with no input from me. An icon at the bottom says I can skip fights at level 4, but I want to know if and when I can actually make choices during the battle.

It does play out RPG style. Characters attack each other in order, presumably based on some Initiative stat. The on-screen sprite turns into a bigger, better, sexier and more detailed animated character when she attacks. It’s a sex game, so girls do things like flash their boobs before they swing an axe.

The regular on-screen characters look terrible. They’re maybe on par with Super Nintendo as far as detail and hotness. Actually, I take that back; I’m sure I beat off to Street Fight II at least once. You’ll be eager to see GodOfHentai’s attack animations. The load screens have hot art, too.

Fighting In Search of Sex

The story led me to another battle with that asshole Pharoah. This time I’d unlocked my profile and a more powerful sword, plus I was going into battle with a third chick. Guess how big her tits are, and whether or not they’re exposed even though she’s stepping into what is potentially a battle to the death.

If you’re eager to skip forward, level up quickly, and hopefully see some sex, GodsOfHentai does do a pretty good job telling you where to click. I played on auto-pilot for a while, not even really reading the dialogue.

I played for about an hour, and while I saw hentai boobs whenever the characters talked to each other, I never saw any actual sex in a cutscene or otherwise. I’m not saying they aren’t in GodsOfHentai, but if they are, they’re few and far between.

Another weird thing I noticed is that even though is supposedly an MMORPG, I didn’t interact with a single other user. I’m not even convinced any of those players I saw mulling about were real people. Literally nobody had anything to say in the chat window, which is a bizarre sign.

Maybe I just didn’t get deep enough. I know I didn’t get far enough to need any of those tokens they sell for real money. Besides the low-fi character sprites, GodOfHentai does have some pretty solid hentai. I do wish they’d load the thing up with cartoon fuck scenes, but if you’re looking to gamify your exposure to manga boobs, this’ll do. Hey, it’s free to try, anyway.