Passion.com

Alright, neckbeard, it’s time to get you out of the basement. Hose out your pits, scrape the fromunda cheese from your junk, and slap on a button-up shirt. Not the one with the dragons, dipshit, put on that neglected oxford your mom bought you. All set? Now we just need a dating site aimed at horny fucks like you. Let’s take a look at Passion.com.

Just Look At This Ripped, Shirtless Dude

The first thing you’ll see when you hit Passion’s landing page is a shirtless guy. His pants and drawers are hanging way down, further exposing his toned physique. Dude clearly works out. I thought for a moment I’d landed on a queer dating site.

Depending on what device you’re using, the chick with her hands wrapped around Mr. Universe might be damn near invisible. On my phone she’s almost faded into the background; on my tablet, she’s pressed way up into the corner, mostly hidden off-screen. I can see her most clearly on a laptop, but she’s still a shadow behind the gay porn stud.

It’s a weird design choice, but I think I get it. They’re trying a little harder to lure in the ladies, because they know horny dudes will flock anywhere they might have even a slight chance of getting laid. That includes dating sites with landing pages from some cheesy romance novel cover.

Passion actually caters to all sexual orientations. Beside the ripped gentleman and his shadowy companion, you’ll find the two questions required to start your membership: who you are, and who you’re looking for. Your options for either are man, woman, TS/TV/TG, group (men and/or women), or couple (with options for man and woman, 2 men, or 2 women).

If you give your device access to your location, Passion will begin stalking you before you even click the Join button. I always set my location on dating/sex sites as the nearest big city, about an hour away, but Passion is already claiming they can find me passion in my specific suburb. If they can really save me a drive, I’m not going to say no.

Meet Beautiful Women and Hopefully Bang Them

Passion flashes stats at you as you’re working through the questions on the sign-up pages. They claim to have more than 250,000 hot member photos, but I immediately have to wonder how they’re separating them from the ugly member photos. My guess is they’re just lying. I’m willing to believe 3,670 new photos are uploaded daily, but I’m skeptical there are really 10,916 members near me.

There’s an asterisk next to that final sum, and at the bottom of the page a link that says *Note About Numbers. Among the jumble of legalese is a mention of the fact that “members” are anybody with an account, including broads who signed up a couple years ago, logged in once, and never came back. That’s not promising.

At the top of the page is a claim that they have 92,100,445 active members. There’s no explanation of what they mean by “active”. I already looked up how many views they get, though, and it’s nowhere close to that. Passion is currently pulling 1.3 million hits a month. It’s a respectable number for most websites but a bit shallow for a worldwide dating pool, and it’s nowhere even remotely close to the 92.1 million they’re claiming.

Good luck choosing a Username without a bunch of random numbers in it. Some fucking assholes already took every variation of ThePornDude I could think of, so I had to use my birth name, which I really hate doing. Privacy concerns, you know? After typing BigDickLord666 in the Username box and choosing a password, Passion finished up with a few questions about my orientation, body type, race, and marital status.

Oh, What? You Want How Much Now?

The confirmation email dropped me off on a page that told me in all caps that I could GET FULL ACCESS WITH A GOLD MEMBERSHIP! Some sample profile shots were spread across the screen, suggesting I’d see topless hotties, naked hotel exhibitionist sluts, and close-ups of bald, slippery cunts. Prices were lined up below, starting at $40 for a monthly membership.

What the fuck? I thought Passion was a free site. That was my impression, anyway. Now that I think of it, I’m not sure they said anything about how much they charged to use the site before I signed up.

Apparently, a Gold Membership gives you full contact access to the “millions of full profiles” I’m still skeptical about. Passion even claims “Gold members get more sexual success”. True, a lot of women find it attractive when men just throw money around, but I haven’t seen any good reason to throw it at Passion specifically.

There’s no button on the page opting to decline the paid experience, perhaps to suggest you have no choice. You can’t pull one over on me that easily, though. I just navigated away from the page. A number 2 next to an envelope icon told me I had messages to read, so it seemed like a good place to start.

Horny, Down-To-Earth Couples and/or Sexy Spambots

Well, holy shit. I received a handful of messages between typing the last few paragraphs and actually reaching my inbox. I figured I’d just have an introductory message or two from Passion. That was actually my first message, but there are half a dozen more.

The second message I got began with “We are a sexually adventurous couple that loves…” That’s all I could see in the preview before it cut off. The sender is supposedly a couple (34M/33F) with what looks like a random string of text for a name and a tiny profile pic of a woman’s hand wrapped around a boner.

It sounds suspiciously like porn spam, but I can’t actually read the message. Clicking it gets me a blurred-out chat box and a message saying I need to upgrade to Gold for “unlimted messaging.”

Most of the message in my inbox are variations of the same thing. Hey everyone! We are a down to earth coupl… Hilf you’re looking for a good time, you foun… We are here to meet new people are like mi…

All the tiny profile pics are filthy amateur pornography. I can’t talk to anybody, though. I don’t want to pay for unlimited messaging. How about some basic limited messaging, you stingy fucks?

Before you get excited about this apparent swingers paradise, I’m calling bullshit. Horny couples and attractive women do not need to message faceless randos on the Internet to get laid. These are probably spam-bots at best, meant to lure you to other websites where you’ll pay for pornography. There’s also a very good chance each message is Step One of a scam. Proceed with caution, and never send money or gifts to someone you’ve never actually met.

Meet Your Sexy Match Or At Least Spend Money

Another message was “Your Sexy Match” from Passion. It’s interesting they’d already matched me with somebody considering I’d entered no real info about myself or even uploaded a pic. It’s a 47-year-old MILF whose profile pic is her massive cleavage in a red dress, though, which is totally my type: female. I clicked the Check Me Out button.

This chick apparently has 10 other pics, but I can’t see any of them yet. The Gold membership prices are back on the screen, as well as some a la carte options. I can Send Flirt for a buck, or View Profile for three.

Maybe I’m a cheap-ass, but even a few bucks is just a little too rich for my blood right now. Damnit, why can't I just get laid for free? If only I had the looks of Brad Pitt, but yeah, plastic surgery isn't going to happen. I just hate to pay for a very basic feature, but yeah, my cock is in control, so you already know what's going to happen!

I’m sure there are actual women on Passion. I’m sure that with enough time, effort, and money you can meet one. You may even be able to bang one. That said, you could also be going on a date with a chick, pay for her food, do a lot of effort and hopefully get lucky... Alright, alright, let me just pay up some cash for this site, sounds easier to me and success guaranteed!