Cosmic Shock League

If you have been following my reviews for some time now, then you already know about my mixed feeling toward porn games in general. See, I am not much of a gamer. I am a full-blown pornoholic, of course, but when it comes to games, I could usually give a fuck less. I don’t like the idea of having to earn my porn.

That is not to say that I don’t understand the appeal of porn games, though. Especially for someone who likes gaming. I think that porn games tend to be geared toward a very specific demographic: gamers who love porn, sure, but more specifically gamers who love hentai porn. And, seeing as I’m not crazy about toon porn, nor am I crazy about games, obviously I am clearly not the target consumer of such a product.

Having said that, though, I have definitely had some fun playing porn games in the past. It can be good to break the monotony from time to time, to try out something completely different. When I have experimented with porn games before, though, I have always had three major complaints.

Either there wasn’t enough porn to make the gaming worth it, the porn just flat out sucked, or the gaming and graphics were too shitty to enjoy. Usually, though, it tends to be some combination of all three, since these three factors are somewhat intertwined. You can’t have, for instance, great in-game porn if the graphics suck, right?

However, good graphics do not always equate to good porn. Or enough of it. I think that many porn game developers get a little too overzealous on the gaming end of things and just forget about the fact that they are also making stuff that, ideally, you could fap to. Every time I see this happen, I always imagine that some game designer who has become completely disillusioned with his career was working on it.

He never got the chance to make his Final Fantasy; the only job he’s been able to land is working on developing porn games. So, he’s channeling all of his hopes and dreams as a game developer into a game called PUSSY CHAMPIONS or something like that. The result of which is often something that is worse to fap to than a State of the Union address.

But not all porn games are that way. There are some good ones, I admit. With that in mind, why don’t we take a look at a Nutaku game called Cosmic Shock League? Chances are, if you have some experience with porn games (or hentai for that matter), you’ve probably heard of the game developer Nutaku at one point or another. Nutaku is kind of at the forefront of porn gaming; they have tons of games on their site to choose from.

Unlock and Fuck Hot Hentai Girls to Save the Cosmos

The premise of Cosmic Shock League is actually kind of cool (the premises of these porn games are often not interesting, or extremely cheesy). In CosmicShockLeague, you assume the role of a 21st-century champion, cryogenically frozen for thousands of years. For some reason, though, you’ve been awakened to help the Cosmic Shock Girls battle intergalactic forces. In the process, though, you will help these girls better understand their pasts and, therefore, their deepest sexual desires. I’m not sure exactly what happened to the Cosmic Shock Girls or why they don’t know their pasts (collective cosmic amnesia?). But who the fuck cares? It’s a porn game. I’m here for pussy and titties, I don’t know about you.

And there is some of that, for sure. But before we can get there, we have to discuss gameplay. Cosmic Shock League is an in-browser strategy game. To borrow Nutaku’s description of the game: “In Cosmic Shock League, you'll enjoy a new Match-3\Card Battle game overflowing with uncensored hentai content.”

The gameplay itself sort of looks like two Tetris squares in opposition to one another. But, instead of falling geometric blocks, you are matching colored tiles by moving a selected tile one space (up, down, right, or left) in order to create color matches. The more matching patterns your move creates, the more powerful your hit against your opponent. You and your opponent both get two moves per turn. Your roster of Cosmic Shock Girls each has a color assigned to them. Every time you line up one girl’s color and use it to attack your opponent, she gains points; when she reaches a certain amount, you can call her into battle to use her powers and boost that color’s damage.

As you progress through the game, you can unlock new girls and upgrade their powers, level them up, etc. Of course, as is the case with almost every porn game, your perpetual side mission is to seduce and fuck every girl you unlock. This is how leveling them up works. So, it’s like you’re leveling them up with your dick. Which is exactly what I always assume happens when I fuck a girl in real life.

Could Have More Porn

And that leads me to the hentai porn that Cosmic Shock League is allegedly overflowing with. First of all, “overflowing” might be a strong way to describe how much hentai porn you’ll get to see in Cosmic Shock League. Sure, I will concede that you certainly have more porn here than I’ve seen in other games. But overflowing? I don’t know about all that.

As I said, you fuck a Cosmic Shock Girl when you level her up. But that porn sequence is not nearly as much porn as I would expect based on how the game is being advertised. It is very dialogue-heavy for one. You click through every bit of dialogue with one picture (and this goes on, in my opinion, for far too long). Then you get another picture where you are fucking her. More dialogue, more dialogue, click, click, click, click. Then you get one more picture where she is cumming all over the place.

And that is the extent of the porn. At least in the first sequence I unlocked. I’m not sure if it gets better as the game goes on (I would hope so). I guess this format of porn just feels a bit underwhelming, a couple of single images with click-through dialogue. Especially when you just went through a very action-packed play by play game in real-time. To go from that to a still image just doesn’t do it for me.

I don’t see why these porn games don’t ever offer video sequences for the porn in between. Most normal games, after all, utilize this feature. I think that if porn games would just catch up with the times a bit and offer something a little more visually stimulating for their porn sections, I wouldn’t mind so much that there is an imbalanced porn to gaming ratio.

I suppose that, on paper, the ratio of Cosmic Shock League isn’t horrible. I mean, you get porn after almost every match. But since the porn you do get is so relatively boring coming off of the exciting gameplay and, if you skip through the dialogue (as I do because, fuck that), you don’t spend nearly as much time on the porn as you do in gameplay, the ratio still feels extremely weighted toward the gaming.

But maybe this is just because I don’t like hentai porn that much to begin with. It’s hard for me to imagine, but maybe there are guys out there who are nutting to a single still image of a cartoon bitch getting fucked. Who knows? I mean, I don’t doubt it, not for one second. It just seems to unlikely to me because, well, how?

But, hey, if you love hentai and you’re big on strategy gaming, I’m sure you’ll like this. Again, I would prefer more porn. Also, videos would be much better than still images (as just a general rule of thumb with porn in my opinion, but especially in the context of porn games given the stark juxtaposition in media). The gaming in Cosmic Shock League, though, I must say, was much more mentally stimulating than a lot of the other porn games I’ve tried out; I think they have developed a pretty cool strategy game here.

But, all in all, I probably won’t be coming back. Not because it isn’t a good game. Like I said, I bet you’ll love this if you like hentai strategy games. No, I won’t be returning only because it would be impossible for me to cum playing this game. And that is, after all, the sole reason I do anything porn related. If I can’t cum, I’m going.