FabSwingers

Fab Swingers (fabsw)! The only thing I can think of that might be better than porn is actually sticking your dick into a warm, wet, living hole. Yeah, sometimes the broads yammer too much, but what can you do? That’s just the price of entry, I guess. Speaking of, the front page of FabSwingers.com says their price of entry is a flat rate of zero. Not bad for a swinger networking site where you can meet other freaks for a hookup.

There ain’t much to look at on the landing page, but it does spell out a few facts for you. As I’m writing this, more than 30,000 people are online. Holy shit. There are free video chats and live cams inside, a local swinger search, and a verification system to make sure you’re meeting real people. I’m going to call my Viagra dealer right now to see if he’s holding, so I hope this site’s legit. Skip to the end for spoilers.

What the Hell is in a Name?

The Austin Powers movies ran from 1997 to 2002, bringing a goofy-ass stereotype of ‘60s swingers into the spotlight. In 2006, decades after everyone stopped saying “fab” ironically, Fab Swingers hit the Internet.

I think it would be a mistake not to hold Mike Meyers personally accountable for the site, despite its claim of being founded by a couple real swingers. Honestly, it would be a good association for him. More than a decade later, the site is pulling nearly 20 million views a month. Meyers torpedoed his own career years ago with a torture porn film called The Love Guru.

I can’t get over how weird it is for the word “fab” to make a comeback like that. Maybe the fab swingers on Fab Swingers really are some throwback motherfuckers, still swapping wives at the old folk’s home as their numbers rapidly dwindle to nothing.

The website doesn’t look like a ‘60s thing, that’s for sure. They didn’t even have the Internet back then, but I bet it would have more hippy flowers and ugly plaid. Nah, this page has more of an early ‘90s thing going on.

One thing is certain: I’m not getting far unless I sign up. I avoid giving an email address whenever possible, but if FabSwingers can deliver on what they’re promising, I know it will be worth the flood of knockoff handbag offers and Nigerian prince scams that sometimes follows a new site sign-up.

Where the Women At?

Signing up is surprisingly simple and painless. Pick a username and password, add your age and sex, and you’re pretty much in. Next they ask who you’re looking to meet. You can choose dudes, chicks, different types of couples, or even trannies, in whatever age range you choose.

They ask if you’re willing to travel, accommodate, or meet smokers. I’m kind of disappointed there aren’t more substance-use options. Everyone knows horny girls put out like crazy, but have you ever gotten a beej from a stoner? Yeah, those munchies make a girl hungry for so much more than Funyuns and cupcakes. (Weirdly, they do ask on the next screen if YOU drink.)

Here’s the part of the review where I have to let some of you excited fuckers down. If you need to kill yourself, please don’t email me first. I don’t need it on my conscience. Anyway, you’d better sit down if you’re living in some third-world shithole. FabSwingers can’t help you get laid unless you live in Australia, Canada, Ireland, the UK or the USA.

The final step of the registration process is the most promising. After entering a profile title (”Pretty badass dude with a huge cock”) and a little blurb selling yourself, you get to check off some of your interests from a big list.

I assumed the process would ask what I was looking for sexually, but I figured it would just be things like Same Room Swapping, Separate Room Swapping, Adult Parties and Swingers Clubs. You know, the vague stuff you associate with your parents fucking your best friend’s parents.

There’s that and so much more, though. Are you looking specifically for Gangbangs, Rimming, or Fisting? Check them off on the list! Kink it up with SM, Spanking, Cuckolding, or Watersports, or just go with the classics like Oral, Anal, and Blindfolds. I left the Safe Sex box unchecked, because I’m a dirty, dirty man and I like even nastier girls.

I was approved and set to go immediately, with no wait for the verification email in my inbox. The final sign-up screen tells me they hate spam as much as I do, and that all email preferences are set to OFF by default. If I want private messages, winks, or friend invites via email, I’ll have to dip into the settings.

I’ll log in if I want to check my messages, thanks. There was one email notification feature I had to turn on, though. FabSwingers can hit you with a monthly email of new members matching your requirements so you’re ready to get in on some perfectly dialed-in action.

Welcome Home, Pervert

The front page changes a bit once you’re logged in. It’s still plain as hell, but now there are more things to look at. There are the social media things you’d expect, like access to your mailbox and your friends list. I’m excited to get to the real goodies: the galleries of swinger babes and the local swinger search.

Since it was my first visit and I wasn’t sure exactly what to expect, I clicked the Photos by Category link. I found myself on a page asking me to become a site supporter and offering a few methods of payment. Hey, what the fuck? They told me out front this was a free site.

Okay, maybe I’m raging out too early. That’s one of the side effects of not having masturbated since lunch. You can still use FabSwingers for free, but a few bucks (5 British pounds) earns you some special features for a couple months.

The supporter memberships are non-recurring, which is practically unheard of on sex sites. That claim about the site being by swingers, for swingers, is seeming a lot more legit by the minute.

Supporters get perks like larger photos, an ad-free experience, and goddammit, access to the galleries. If you’re actually trying to smash local bitches, the most useful special features are going to be listed distances from potential hookups, and the ability to see who viewed your profile.

I could look at the pic categories without being a supporter, but not the pics themselves. Too bad, because I liked the organization of the categories page. Pick your account type (Women, MF couples, etc), and then what you want in the pics (Boobs out, Feet fetish, Squirting, and so forth).

The Moment of Truth

Well, if FabSwingers wasn’t going to show me any pics, the least they could do is get me laid, right? I went to the Search page and checked all the right boxes: I want a woman between the ages of 18 and 80, smoking or non, verified or not, living anywhere in my state. I told the search engine I would smash just about anything, not only because I would, but because I wanted to see what kind of results they would give me.

FabSwingers came back with 17 results. The only 2 with photos were saggy old bitches. I tried a neighboring state with more metropolitan areas, but only found 28 profiles. Again, most did not have photos. Among the handful that did were a saggy old lady and an honest-to-goodness elderly woman, but at least there were a couple MILFs this time.

You know, this site skews kind of old and has a surprisingly small number of local swingers anywhere. The whole freaky state of California only has 150 members that meet my broad requirements for broads. I wonder why…

Actually, I don’t wonder why at all. Sorry, grandpas and grandmas, but hooking up via the web has become old-people shit. There’s an entire category of phone apps designed to do this with much less effort. FabSwinger only still exists because it has a name that the gray-hairs can understand and doesn’t require enough bloodflow in your fingers to work a touchscreen. Unless you’re knocking at death’s door, don’t bother.