Greetings out there in porno land. I’m writing to you from the future. Most of you are still beating off to that crusty old 4K HD, but here in the year 3001, we’ve got something much better. You may be able to experience it firsthand if you have your brain, cock, and fist cryogenically frozen for the better part of a millennium. Alternately, you could check out PornHD8k.
Joking aside, a free porn tube with nothing but 8K clips is a tall order. Most of the sites have at least a handful of regular ol’ HD movies, but they’re mixed into a huge pile of regular and garbage-def vids. I’m skeptical that PornHD8k can really deliver.
Porno of the Future, Today
Okay, the technology isn’t really from the future, but it is really fucking new. 8K sounds like it’s double the pixels of 4K, but they actually quadruple the number. This is next-level clarity and realism, the closest you can come to cumming on an actual pornstar. If you just finally upgraded to 4K, I’m sure you feel like a bitch right now, don’t you?
Before we go any further, you just spent four thousand bucks on a new monitor, right? I mean, with an investment like that, it makes sense that now you’ll have to tighten your monthly fuck-flick budget.
It’s a little ironic, some might say laughable or pathetic, that anyone might be surfing the free tubes for smut that only looks great on high-end gear. I won’t judge you for it. I will say that if you’re still beating off to a toaster phone, the selection alone will make almost any other tube site a better choice. That is if PornHD8k ain’t bullshitting about their quality.
I look at enough porno tubes to know that some of you chumps just don’t care about video resolution. Just the other day I looked at a site where every video looked like someone recorded it off the TV with their phone and then fed it through a Nintendo Entertainment System. The whole thing looked like crap, but those fuckers get 11 million hits a month.
PornHD8k doesn’t even get half a million. It could be because it’s new, hitting the ‘net at the tail end of 2017. It has to be new, though, doesn’t it? Half of you perverts didn’t even know 8K porn was a thing until just now.
It could be because the dot-net domain isn’t their first. The fact that their earlier PornHD8k.me redirects here tells me something’s not quite right. Don’t even try the dot-com unless you want to test your luck against aggressive spam, the Internet’s very own version of back-alley butt-rape.
Casual masturbators may be wondering what the fuck, but as a seasoned creep, I’ve seen this sort of thing time and time again. If there’s a lot of redirecting when it comes to domains, it’s a good chance they’re playing a little cat-and-mouse game with Google.
Say what you want about Google. Seriously. They’re listening right now, and everything you say goes back to the big computer brain that’s learning to control your life and take all of your money. That said, they do try to protect you from shady sites, because ultimately they make Google look bad. Be wary of anybody that can’t play nice with the gatekeepers.
So what might Google’s issue be with PornHD8k? It could be spam. It could be piracy. Or it could be the fact that polishing the pole to pornos from the future may well fuck up the fabric of the space-time continuum itself. The only way to know is to take a really close look while masturbating furiously.
Well, This Looks Promising
The front page of the site looks pretty decent. It’s your basic porn-tube layout, streamlined and simple with plain text on a black background. There’s a Night Mode button, but it doesn’t seem to do anything besides refresh the page.
PornHD8k is not a flashy site, but it’s clean. That might not be the case if you’re the kind of chucklehead who browses porn sites without any kind of ad-blocker. Mine says it’s already knocked down 4 pieces of spam, and I just walked in.
Of course, some amount of spam is expected on any free site. How much you’re willing to put up with is going to vary. Most of us are willing to sit through more bullshit if they’ve got top-shelf bitches in world-class smut. So, do they?
From the front, PornHD8k looks like it has the goods. The thumbnails don’t move when you hover over, which is lame, but they’re all crisp as hell. Every clip is labeled with an HD, just in case anybody got confused. The newest stuff is at the top, and it looks like they’re adding two clips a day.
This looks like premium shit. The two clips added today are both from Brazzers. Karmen Karma gets smashed by her brother-in-law from Real Wife Stories, and Sherdian Love bends over to take a hard cock from Pornstars Like it Big.
Yesterday’s clips are from Brazzers, too. And the ones from the day before, and the day before. You know, I’m sensing a bit of a theme here. It’s possible these are sample clips, but it’s also possible I’m about to find out why the site may have a Google issue.
Beating Off in a Stolen Car
One of the thumbnails on the front page had a dark-haired babe in just socks and sneakers getting nailed in a gym. That’s how I like to imagine my workouts going, though I usually just get maced or arrested. One day I hope to find the right gym, but until then I always click on these scenes first.
It’s a Brazzers scene from Big Wet Butts starring Keiran Lee, and it’s half an hour long. This is definitely not a sample.
The pirated scene, Workout Sex Club, plays in a simple built-in player. Fuck, I could watch that body move trivial amounts of weight in slow motion all day. Keiran’s got this tight little package with some extra junk in just the right places, and it jiggles perfectly during the intro warm-up.
The player is super basic, so you can’t slow down the jump-roping any further, nor can you make her pour water onto her breasts at regular speed. You can make it full-screen or adjust the quality, but that’s it.
The quality did look good at full-screen, but I was having buffering issues. It took a while to start, and then Keiran kept pausing during her blowjob and I’d have to wait for the video to load. I hit the quality button to see what my options were.
Is This the HD8K You’re Looking For?
I once dropped off a roll of film at this place called Jimmy’s One-Hour Photo. I chose the place specifically because of the name, and because I was in a hurry to revisit the memories of my girlfriend’s snatch from earlier that day. I came back an hour later to pick them up, but they weren’t ready.
“That’s just our name,” is what they told me. I had to call my girlfriend at work and have her come home for an emergency vagina inspection, all because Jimmy lied.
PornHD8k.net does the same exact thing. It turned out I was watching that Big Wet Butts video in 720p. I could lower it in hopes of better streaming, but I couldn’t even bump it up to 1080p, let alone 4K. If they even had 8K, it would stream so slowly as to be completely useless.
Oh, and they lied about the downloads, too. “Download” is the first word of their keyword-stuffed title on the tab, but I couldn’t find one anywhere.
PornHD8k is not a bad site. It has a small but growing collection of full-length premium scenes, all free in an interface that cleans up well with an ad-blocker. They lied about the video quality in the name of the site, though. If that doesn’t piss you off and you’re fine with 720p, you can definitely ruin a few boxes of tissues to PornHD8k.