Fap Titans

FapTitans gets right into it. I typed the URL into the bar and a few seconds later a cowboy chick appeared on the screen. She’s wearing historically accurate cowgirl attire: a wide-brimmed hat, six shooter, badge, and leather vest-bra that barely hides her massive, perfectly round titties.

“This is a monster,” she says. “Click on it until you defeat it and get the rewards.”

I assume she’s referring to the level 1 Yapping Orc on the right side of the screen. He’s a big, ugly, pig-faced motherfucker with a club and a shield. I heard all it takes to defeat him is some clicking, though, so whatever. Bring it on.

Every time I clicked on piggy dude, his hit points dropped. When he died, cowgirl told me I would get gold every time I killed a monster. “Now continue clicking and killing the monsters.”

Help, He’s Got Dildos!

Next up was a Normal Tentacle Beast. Dude looks kind of like a tree until you get your face next to the screen. He’s actually got some dicks at the end of some of his tentacles. I can see why Deputy Gazangas is so worried.

I “fought” a series of ten monsters, counted by a skull in the corner. I say “fought” in quotes because I just clicked until they were dead, with no resistance. Some enemies had a vague sexual theme, like a very wet and shapely broad in a short dress, but most were just generic anime monsters.

After those ten monsters, cowgirl told me it was time to use the gold I earned to buy my first hero. I had one option: Akira Hitsujikai, the cowgirl with the giant knockers.

Once you’ve got a hero in play, FapTitans changes a little. Now, the girl does some of the work of clicking for me. If I don’t do anything, I still see the bad guy’s hit points slowly dropping away. That’s Akira, popping him with her pea-shooter.

After watching the screen and twiddling my thumbs a while, I’ve earned enough coins to level her up. I’m guessing that makes her shoot faster. Personally, I’d shoot faster if I saw some anal penetration or at least some nipples for chrissake! I settled for third best and used my earnings to level up Akira.

Sure enough, the parade of Pokemon-style monsters are dropping faster. I level her up a few seconds later and suddenly understand what this game is all about.

Clicking with Boobs

FapTitans would be classified as a clicker or incremental game. If you’ve played them before, you already know what I’m talking about. The gameplay is what you’d expect from the genre, plus boobs. If you’re new to this, no worries. Let me break it down.

A clicker is a very simple game that begins with, you guessed it, clicking. You click a bunch of times and the game offers some reward. It might tell you your bakery made a bunch of cookies, or you blew up a bunch of spaceships. In FapTitans, you slaughter a bunch of monsters and anime sluts who pose no apparent threat.

After the first level or two of clicking, the incremental part kicks in. You can use your earnings to purchase incrementally stronger surrogate clickers who do the clicking for you. In FapTitans, these clickers are big-breasted hentai chicks.

The whole point of any clicker or incremental game is to buy as many clickers as you can afford, so you rack up points as quickly as possible. There’s no upper limit, so in FapTitans or any other clicker/incremental, you’re just going to chase higher numbers forever.

Click Forever (with Boobs)

You don’t actually click forever in a clicker. After the first level of FapTitans, I stopped clicking on the “monsters”.

It’s the same bunch of “monsters” over and over, and honestly, I just don’t understand why I’m killing some of them. The menacing, pig-faced fuckers with clubs, yeah, let’s exterminate every last one of ‘em. What did the chick with the hot pants and big knockers do to earn our wrath?

Maybe it has something to do with these catty bitches I’m buying up as my brothel of heroes. Akira the cowgirl looks chill, but Hoshi Asashin with the fancy cleavage dress seems like she might be a bitch.

For some reason, I didn’t have any sound when I played Fap Titans. I fucked with my audio settings, and I know everything on my end was working. It seems like the game has to feature at least some beeps and boops, but I couldn’t make it work.

Buy Gold with Money

FapTitans is the kind of game you leave running in one tab while you beat off in another tab. I would suggest you do work or something with FapTitans in the background, but I know you too well. When’s the last time you even left the basement and got some sun, bucko?

I came back to my game after about twenty minutes of very vigorous wrist exercises. I actually think I may have broken something, but hopefully it’s just the record for biggest load ever deposited into a Doritos bag.

Bad news was waiting. My bitches had been defeated by the boss, a bigger version of the pig dudes I kept murdering. I used what gold had accumulated in my absence to level up the heroes to get back into the fight.

I got defeated again. FapTitans asked if I wanted to cash in on a sale they were running. If I bought some gold with real money, I could level up and buy new heroes faster. They’ve got options starting at just a couple bucks, or you could blow a paycheck if you used to ride the fucking short bus to school.

FapTitans is free to play, but expect lots of opportunities to purchase fake money with the real thing. If you’re in a hurry to “win”, it’s your only option. Keep in mind, you’ll never win. You can only get higher and higher scores, faster and faster.

This Shit is Hot

I didn’t want to spend any real money, so I let Fap Titans run in the background and leveled up when I could. The heroes kept grinding away, wiping out wave after wave of dildo-men, orcs, and non-threatening women in skimpy outfits.

You could probably play FapTitans on a fast tablet, but you’ll probably need some super expensive shit if you want to play on your phone. The game is surprisingly heavy on system resources. It’s basic as hell, so I don’t understand why, but the fan on my laptop is really going. FapTitans gets my machine hot.

But what the fuck does it get my laptop hot for? It’s honestly not doing much for me. The heroes in my stable and the ones I keep butchering all have jumbo cup sizes, but they never take out their jugs.

Am I the Incremental Clicker Dude? I don’t think so. FapTitans better get to the goddamn titties, or I’m outta here.

So Do They Get Naked?

I left the computer to go paint the restroom with my seed for a while. When I came back, I had enough gold to level-up for my fight with the pig lord. He went down in about ten seconds.

As a reward, I got a random chest full of random goodies. I could have bought more with some diamonds or tickets, but those cost actual money.

In my reward chest, I have one hentai image of a schoolgirl getting a hands-on education in class. One student has her mouth filled with cock, another penetrates her ass.

All you have to do to fill your gallery of hentai images is let Fap Titans run in the background while you do other stuff. It’s mildly fun if you’re into clicker/incremental games, but otherwise you could just browse a hentai site.