BigShocked

Your mom was Big Shocked the first time she looked at the website of the same name, probably because she’d grown used to your dad’s little ding-dong and the cheap dildo she bought on Amazon. While many women would be satisfied by these meager members, there are others who prefer something bigger, more elaborate or simply fantastical as all hell. I admit, I do most of my masturbation using my hands or the machine I built out of Pringles cans and old Walkman motors, but sometimes I like to spice it up with something a little more lifelike—or just the opposite.

BigShocked.com is a purveyor of fine fantasy dildos and other atypical sex toys. The company was founded in 2014, inspired by their founder JOOL’s concept of “creating a heterotopia of eroticism”. That’s some highfaluting fancy talk, even for a professional masturbator and pornography scholar like myself, but I think I get the gist: they’re makings sex toys catering to your weirdest, darkest, most secret desires. Any nerd on Etsy can sell casts of their deformed rectal prolapse, but with a hundred thousand visitors every month, I get the feeling these guys ain’t peddling half-ass bullshit. Maybe today I’ll finally upgrade to a sex toy I didn’t make myself, which is what they recommend every time I end up in the ER with my dick stuck in the Hoover.

I’m Big Shocked at These Crazy Dildos

I’m not sure if you know this about me, but your old friend ThePornDude is something of a pervert. For nearly a decade, I’ve spent most of my waking hours shaking my dick at all the kinky corners of the internet. I’m no stranger to oddball niches and obscure fetishes, and I’ve known about dragon dildos and fake horse dicks for a while. They pop up on some of the freakier tubes and the occasional homebrew OnlyFans flick. I always associated them with goth girls and cosplay chicks, but I’ve recently come to realize they’re much more popular than I ever thought.

The subjects of masturbation and sex toys come up frequently when I’m conducting my pre-fucking interviews over on the PornDudeCasting couch. Hitachi wands are a perennial favorite, as are those delicate and nimble fingers pornstars come equipped with. What’s been a real surprise is when they mention fantasy dildos like the ones made by BigShocked. These women have access to some of the biggest, most famous real dicks in the world, but sometimes they’re horny for a genuine monster cock.

While their catalog has expanded beyond crazy-ass fake dongs, they’re arguably still BigShocked’s biggest draw. They’ve got an incredible collection of animal, monster and fantasy dildos. There are 17-inch replicas of the human hog advertised at the top of their front page, but they’re kind of overshadowed by the spectacle of multi-colored silicone tentacles, suction-cup double-penetration dog dongers, and ribbed werewolf schlongs with big balls.

The realism is fucking ridiculous, and I mean that in the best way possible. Big Shocked has shockingly huge dildos modeled after German shepherds, wolves, Doberman pinschers, curly coated retrievers and great danes. I’m actually curious how much research they did and how anatomically correct they are by breed. At the same time, I’m not sure how much it matters; what’s important is that they’re fun to play with.

The Lowdown on Fake Dragon Dicks

Customers can shop BigShocked by function (Big Dildos, Vibrating Dildos, or Anal Dildos), by shape (Animal Dildos, Horse Dildos, Dog Dildos and Alien Dildos), or by a multitude of colors including glow-in-the-dark options. I mean, if you’re going for accuracy, it’d be a fucking shame if you had to pretend your alien abductor/rapist has a non-photoluminescent ovipositor. Big Shocked loves you deviates way too much to let that happen.

Like any good modern website, BigShocked.com lets customers leave star ratings and reviews. (In this day and age, it’s a really fucking bad sign when a website doesn’t include reviews.) I checked out the user write-ups for Barghest Small-Sized Fantasy Wolf Knot Dildo, a scary-looking freak dick with a five-star rating. “Absolutely love this dildo!” wrote one excited visitor. “My hubby wanted to spice things up in the bedroom and I found this! Loved the price and the quality!”

On the same note, I wish you could sort the collection by customer rating like you can on other online shops. They’ve got the other usual options, like sorting by newness or price, so it seems like it’d be relatively simple to implement. The selection of crazy dildos at Big Shocked is so wide that even if you have an idea what you want, those reviews could really help make the decision easier.

Some of the very newest additions to the collection are featured out on the front page. The current crop includes thrusting, vibrating and rotating electronic dildos, sea monster tentacles and a glow-in-the-dark Texas wolf tongue. I really like that their products aren’t just designed to look cool, but to be practical as well. That wolf tongue, for example, is a wild-looking bit of multi-colored silicone, and it’s been “Cleverly contoured to hug your curves which are designed to seek out your G-spot.” It also “Perfectly replicates the delicate and softness of the tongue, and the raised granules increase friction more effectively.” Don’t expect your wife to go back to your boring micropenis anytime soon, pal.

And Something for the Straight Dudes, Too

I’m pretty sure the big sellers at Big Shocked are all those otherworldly dildos, but they’ve got some other stuff that might be of interest to those of you who might not want to stuff your orifices with alien appendages. I’m looking at you, straight guys. You might be interested in the couple dozen high-end male masturbators they sell. These are a step or ten more advanced than that smelly fap sleeve you bought at that highway exit porn store.

Their Masturbators catalog is divided into two broad sections, Auto Masturbators and Realistic Masturbators. I checked out the Auto versions first, and then deleted a joke I’d written in the last paragraph about high prices. For premium sex toys, the prices are really fucking reasonable.

If you’ve perused my reviews of Online Sex Shops and Adult Stores or just done the research yourself, you already know the automated dick strokers usually start around a hundred bucks and rise steeply from there. By contrast, BigShocked’s priciest one is a hundo, with cheaper machines starting at fifty bones. They’ve even got a non-automated Fleshlight knockoff for $30. That’s less than half of what you’d pay for entry models of the big-name toy.

It was a similar story in the Realistic Masturbators aisle. Compared to shops like Tantaly and Joy Love Dolls, some of these silicone lady parts are a fucking steal. They’ve got a realistic mega-ass with vagina and anal openings for forty bucks, and a whole 15-pound disembodied sex torso for a buck twenty. No shit, I’m eyeballing their Fantasy Bent-Over Bubble Butt Mega Stroker, which looks like a good way to spend an evening.

Of course, BigShocked.com is known for its fantasy sex toys. I was hoping to see some weird alien orifices, but maybe the market ain’t quite ready for that just yet. As long as hentai keeps getting more popular, I think we’ll eventually see those, but they do have a couple unusual masturbatory strokers if you’re looking for something weird to put your penis in. The current options include a couple glow-in-the-dark fuck holes with rainbow colors, but I’ve got my fingers crossed for a gropable set of xenomorph boobies with a functional slime pump.

BigShocked.com is an obvious stop if you’re in the market for a fantasy dildo modeled after a dog, a horse, a werewolf, a dragon, an alien or some other non-human creature you’d like to fuck. I’m going to point out the less obvious: their shop’s also a worthwhile stop if you’re looking to upgrade your male sex toys but don’t want to blow the kind of money you would at some of the other high-end sex shops. It’s also the kind of place any curious rubbernecker might want to take a peek at, even if you don’t think monster cocks are really your thing. Who knows? You might find a new kink.