VirtualMate

Virtual Mate calls themselves “The World’s First Virtual Intimacy System,” and I immediately wondered what they meant by that. The promise of remote teledildonics has lingered for decades, largely unfulfilled. Still, I have been seeing a lot of new and exciting things happening in the world of high-tech masturbation. The VR gizmos working their way into homes across the globe are one sticky example, but I’ve been curious about the growing number of electronic devices and gadgets that you can stick your dick in for a good time. Hey, in 2024, why should we settle for an old-timey silicone butthole without a battery?

VirtulMate.com peddles a high-end men’s sex toy that combines an electronic dick-massager with porn games and integrated videos. It’s a fanciful premise, which I guess is just more evidence that we’re living in the future. Their landing page says AskMen named this thing the Best Sex Toy For Men, but what would a pocket pool enthusiast like myself think? So I figured, if nothing else, their website would fill in some of the missing details I’d been wondering about.

Who Do You Want to (Virtually) Fuck?

The titular VirtualMate itself doesn’t look like some of the other big-boy masturbation toys I’ve seen hit the market over the last few years. It’s got a sleek, high-tech look that almost hides its masturbatory nature, but there’s something unmistakably phallic about the towering rocket shape. It’s almost as if it was designed for you to stick your penis inside, even if it does have a fucking sweet UFO under glow effect.

So what separates the Virtual Mate from the Kiiroo, the Handy, or any of the other pricey imitation vaginas I’ve reviewed around here? Well, one of the first things I noticed as I was scrolling down the page was Lexi Luna bent over a chair in her underwear. One of the gimmicks here is you can have virtual experiences with some of your favorite pornstars. They’ve got some legit hotties on the menu, too. Besides Lexi, I spot Cherie DeVille, Jaclyn Taylor, Maddy O’Reilly, and Bailey Rayne. Lauren Phillips is on there, too, so you can get a virtual taste of what I sampled for real over at PornDudeCasting. (I’m genuinely curious to see how well they recreated the experience!)

“Virtual Mate is the world’s first virtual intimacy system,” reads the front-page blurb, “combining realistic virtual mate game for PC/Mac/Laptop/Mobile/VR Headset and multi-functional hardware “Core” for an interactive encounter and immersive experience.” I get what they’re saying, but goddamn, that kind of clunky language always makes a site look crappy. I had to do some quick homework around the web just to make sure the company was real before I could continue reading about the VirtualMate. (Fortunately, it didn’t take long to prove it exists, with plenty of users posting firsthand experiences.)

Going in, I really thought VirtualMate.com was going to offer something with a long-distance person-to-person connection. Those pink Lovense vibrators are pretty common on the webcam porn sites, but there’s no similarly popular product aimed at couples. Virtual Mate’s slogan about being the first virtual intimacy system sounds like they’d have that, but according to the FAQ, it’s something that they might implement, or they might not. I’m crossing my fingers for you long-distance couples who want to fuck across the ocean.

What’s Inside the Virtual Mate?

I wanted to see what the Virtual Mate was like inside, so I took a trip to their Hardware page. Honestly, it looks like I expected, keeping in line with other dick toys in the same price range. There’s a snatch-like silicone sleeve inside a plastic shell with Bluetooth, sensors, and motors. A couple of the animated GIFs mention a warming feature, but apparently, this is bullshit. Some of the angriest bad reviews I saw were from people pissed off about false advertising about the warming. One guy said VirtualMate told him it was too dangerous. They should definitely take the feature off the site if that’s true.

There’s less info on the internal motors and settings than you find on similar product pages, which was a recurring theme on the website. In fact, it often felt like they hadn’t finished building the thing. I found old dates and outdated news, which is a bad look on a site trying to sell you a $400 futuristic penis puller.

Oh, speaking of the price, pay no mind to that countdown timer on the Order page. It’s fucking fake, intended to trick you into buying the thing half an hour after hitting the site because you think it’s the best deal. I really hate that trick. I knew there was something fishy when the FAQ said the price was soon going up to $399, and then the order page said I had just minutes left. The timer just keeps resetting, so the actual price is either $179 or $299. (There’s also some confusion here because I think they’re the same package for different prices. I’m not sure if this is just another misleading marketing technique or a real deal for early adopters. It says “9865 Units Only” as I’m typing this, so check what that number is now.)

Even at $179, that’s still a lot of money for something you’re going to pump full of your hot, sticky sperm time and time again. For that kind of money, VirtualMate.com should be a better, more informative website.

I knew from the landing page that VirtualMate.com is compatible with multiple platforms, both desktop, and mobile. I wanted to know more about what was under the hood, so I made my way to their Software page to see what was what. I didn’t end up getting a lot of facts and figures, but there was some nice eye candy, at least. “Sheila is the world’s first virtual mate to truly interact with users in real-time.”

This virtual chick Sheila does look pretty hot and supposedly has a seductive voice, but there are no videos on the page. Again, the half-ass website is a terrible look, but I did find one singular goddamn video out on the front page. The graphics look fapworthy, and I could see playing the game while letting the VirtualMate go to town on my junk. Even better, you Star Trek dorks can strap on your sex helmet and hit the holodeck because it’s got VR compatibility with HTC Vive and Oculus devices. It’ll even work with phone-based VR toys like Google Cardboard, so even the cavemen of two years ago can get their virtual kicks.

Personally, that sounds like the way to go: some VR glasses strapped to my face and a VR pussy strapped to my ding-a-ling. That’s some sci-fi shit right there, and I’m ready to make for the stars. The one thing that really gives me pause is that it’s unclear how often they’re releasing new games, videos, or pornstar experiences for their platform. Their FAQ talks about how you can vote for the next pornstar, but all the contest tweets they’ve posted are a couple of years old.

This is another example of the general inadequacy of the website itself. It’s frustrating as hell because they’ve got this really promising looking dick-sucker with licensed pornstar experiences, but I feel like I keep running into roadblocks on the website. I just want some more damn info! Here’s a tip for anybody selling anything on the web: if you cheap out on the presentation, you’re going to lose sales. You need to answer questions and keep everything up to date.

I found one of my questions sort of answered on their Refund/Cancellation Policy, but not really. They say all sales are final because you stick your dick in it, but they also claim to have a 100% Satisfaction Guarantee. I honestly don’t know how they’re going to live up to that.

Maybe they can offer that guarantee because the product is as good as they say, or perhaps it’s just more marketing hype. I don’t know, dudes; I’m kind of torn on this one. The Virtual Mate looks like a pretty kickass bit of high-tech, high-end masturbatory gear, but VirtualMate.com itself doesn’t do the best job selling it. If the product lives up to the premise, they’ve got a winner on their hands. I’m going to keep an eye on this one.