Spearmint Rhino

Spearmint Rhino has one of the most enigmatic names I’ve ever seen in the world of adult entertainment, and that’s saying a lot. If all you had to go on was the funky moniker, what would you think they were even selling? Well, it sounds more like overpriced downloadable content for your favorite sci-fi RPG than something that’d help you get your rocks off, but maybe they’re both catering to those primal urges of lust and conquest. This shit isn’t available at Gamestop, though, nor can you get the full effect via the internet. Perhaps, my neckbeard friends, it’s finally time to leave your mom’s basement.

SpearmintRhino.com gets a couple of hundred thousand visits a month, but I wonder how much those numbers even represent the brand’s true popularity. Even the thirstiest Starbucks drinkers are unlikely to visit the coffee shop’s website very often, and I imagine the same principle holds true for Spearmint Rhino’s most eager enthusiasts. Why? Well, because the website is just the online face of a premier gentleman’s club with locations around the world. So, how classy are you feeling today? Come with me on a short tour of their online offerings before you decide if the real thing’s worth changing out of your stained sweatpants for.

Can You Judge a Porno Mag by Its Cover?

Growing up, I often heard the expression, “You can’t judge a book by its cover.” I’m not sure how much I ever took the adage to heart, but having spent the last decade or so reviewing porn sites every day, I can tell you right now your grandma was fucking wrong: you usually can judge a book by its cover. Well, I admit I’m not reviewing actual books here at ThePornDude because the pages would get too sticky, but what are websites if not a modernized, dynamic, and updated delivery system for the pictures and words you’d always loved before? (Now with video, too!)

If SpearmintRhino.com were a hard-copy promotional pamphlet for the clubs and not a website with the same purpose, I think they’d make a similar first impression. It’s a bold impression, to say the least, one that aggressively straddles the fine line between obscenely sexy and luxuriously high class. Some of that’s in the framing, these classy broads photographed in expensive hotel rooms with their naughtiest bits skillfully hidden just outside of the frame.

There’s also the overall presentation. The logo is a rhino in a stylized icon reminiscent of a neon sign; it’s a classy design that screams taste without so much as hinting at the kind of shit gentlemen are enjoying in these clubs. Of course, if your brain is anything like mine, the imagery all over the front page of SpearmintRhino will have your imagination spinning in all kinds of crazy directions right away.

Most of the sites I review here at ThePornDude are just as much fun whether you’re browsing from your apartment in New York, the scorching deserts of the Middle East, or the fortified sex dungeon of a reclusive cult in the wilds of Siberia. However, SpearmintRhino.com is slightly different from most adult sites since the real fun is in their physical locations, not on the website.

The good news is that Spearmint Rhino has locations all across the United States, a few in the UK, as well as Australia. The website quickly pulled up 18 locations in the US, including a few that are easily within driving distance from my place, making me reconsider my plans for the evening. If there’s any downside, it’s just that SpearmintRhino hasn’t yet spread to every country. So, for instance, if you’re in Asia, I guess you’re out of luck for the time being. Sorry, my dudes.

I’ve always been a big fan of chains that keep the same hours in every location. It doesn’t matter what city I’m in or in what corner of the globe when I see a 7-11 sign because I know I can go grab a forty, a blunt wrap, and a pack of condoms. Likewise, Spearmint Rhino has their dancers, hostesses, and entertainers available every day, no matter where you’ve stumbled upon one of their venues. “Open 7 days a week, virtually every day of the year,” reads the front-page copy, highlighting yet another way Spearmint Rhino has outdone Wal-Mart on the whole user experience.

Get a Little T&A-Filled Peek Inside

Like any website that tries to do its job, SpearmintRhino’s front page hypes the hell out of their services. “Each club offers a personalized experience with the very best in local food and drinks choices, unmatched entertainment, hospitality, and live shows including adult film star performances.” Many of the pornstars I’ve interviewed at PornDudeCasting talk about dancing in clubs across the country, so maybe they’ve hit up Spearmint Rhino locations along the way.

I checked out the site’s Gallery section, hoping to spot a familiar face or recognizable pair of jugs. An hour later, my keyboard was a sticky mess, and I was covered in a glistening sheen of sweat, but I was no closer to cracking the mystery. I’ll have to review the material further before releasing a full statement, but I recommend a peek at all that free T&A in the Gallery area if you like pretty girls and naked flesh.

It seemed like exactly my kind of work environment with all those bouncy boobies covering the whole damn page. So I checked out the SpearmintRhino.com Careers page, hoping they had an opening for a porn reviewer, a porn stud, a porn comedian, or just an overall Porn Dude. Unfortunately, they didn’t have a listing that really met my skillset or cock size, but they do have a lot of openings across the USA, so take a look if you’re struggling to make rent. (And don’t forget to check out PornWebmasters if you’ve been looking for an in into the online porn business!)

And Maybe Buy a Dildo Along the Way

There’s really only so much you can tell about a brick-and-mortar venue by looking at their website. The pictures sure looked fucking sexy and made me wish I was at the club putting the moves on women instead of sitting in the dark with my erection dabbing sperm onto the underside of my desk, but hey, I’ve got a job to do. The clubbing will have to wait until I finish typing this up and uploading it to ThePornDude.

In the meantime, I did find an online shop with sex toys, lingerie, and costumes for adventurous adults. The Dancewear aisle is their most well-stocked section, with various bikini tops, thongs, fishnet tube dresses, and other sexy outfits. The Fashionable Face Mask section has exactly one sequined mask to choose from, but it’ll make you look fabulous as you get your salad tossed.

Unfortunately, the selection at the SpearmintRhino.com shop is lacking compared to any of the real adult toy shops I’ve reviewed here at ThePornDude. The Toys section is literally just a butt plug and a pricey rabbit vibrator. They look like nice selections, but modern perverts demand more to choose from. A straight man, for example, probably won’t be interested in either of those two available toys.

Like everything else about SpearmintRhino.com, you get the sense that the internet version just doesn’t stack up to the real thing. Perhaps the online shop exists mainly as a reminder that you can pick up a new dildo, some hooker boots, and edible underwear the next time you stop into one of their physical locations for a lap dance.

When the tour page of a premium membership site works like it’s supposed to, it gets me through the front door and along to their signup page, where I spend money on the full ticket. SpearmintRhino isn’t a membership site, so I find their tour page has a different effect. I know it worked because I want to get in my car and go hit up a real-world Spearmint Rhino after I finish typing this up.

Can you judge a book by its cover? Can you judge a gentlemen’s club by its website? These are questions that don’t have easy answers because; what words can do justice to the succulent, fleshy rack of a MILF or college bimbo shaking her booty in your face? So maybe we should leave the questions for the philosophers. The rest of us perverts will have to be content with the adult delights on offer at Spearmint Rhino clubs around the world.