Escortify

We’re off to the land of kiwis, I think. That’s New Zealand, right? Yeah, that’s right – Australia had the kangaroos. Where the fuck was I? Oh right, Escortify – the website that helps you find fuckable pussy in New Zealand. God bless these kinds of websites. They put together ugly, unlovable men with fuckable 9s and 10s. As long as you’ve got the money, they’ll find you the pussy. Hell, sometimes I go onto these kinds of sites just to fap to the idea of hiring a bitch for sex. I’d never do it, of course. Women usually pay me for sex. It’s not just that I’m that good because I am – it’s that they chase the clout. They all want to be the girl that fucked The Porn Dude. I don’t blame them. I’m a real star.

I keep getting derailed when I’m horny. Ok, let’s get to the point. You’re in New Zealand; you’re horny, alone, and have an ugly face and zero personality. You hop onto Escortify and find the perfect woman. You check her rates; you order her like she’s a fucking burrito, you make a note that you want her to arrive with no mayo, and she shows up at your door. Then, you proceed to bury your cock so far up her ass that she’s tasting your future children for the next two weeks. That’s the plan, at least. Escortify is an amazing directory of the hottest escorts across New Zealand, covering all the major cities. Let’s dig into these bitches, shall we?

Why The Rice?

The first thing you’ll notice when you first jump onto Escortify is that there are a lot of Asian whores on this site. Why? I have no fucking clue. I flunked high school geography, but I’m pretty damn sure that New Zealand is far as fuck from Japan and the like. And yet, half of these bitches look like they fell straight out of a JAV porn clip. Maybe they’re just catfishing, using someone else’s photos, but if that were the case, they’d get scrubbed from the site for sure. So, what’s the deal? I don’t know. Maybe the Asians find it hard to find work in New Zealand. Or, perhaps their pussies are prime rentable real-estate. I don’t know the setup.

What I do know is that some of the hottest Asian bitches I’ve ever seen in my life can be found right here on Escortify. I don’t know where they came from, but I know where they’re going – straight to my motel room the next time I’m in Auckland. For now, I’ll just review their pussies for your pleasure, and you can check them out for yourselves. I find the concept of Asian pussy in New Zealand to be a matter of delicacy. It’s kind of like having KFC in Korea – it’s wrong, but you can’t help yourself. The stomach wants what it wants, and so does the boner. If you want to eat some Asian pussy tonight, you can order in, and it’ll deliver itself to your door.

Professional Bitches

If you’re a newcomer to the world of escort services, you probably have a lot of questions and concerns. There’s a lot of etiquette that goes into this kind of work, and if you’re not a repeat customer, some of the standards can be a bit confusing. Fret not; I’m here to simplify things for you. It’s pretty straightforward once you get the hang of it. It’s just like riding a bike. Basically, you shouldn’t invite these girls back to your house. A lot of them will note that they straight up only show up to hotels and motels. I’m guessing this is because they don’t want to risk being hurt by some random undesirables. It protects them, and in a way, it protects you too. Besides, hotels are sexier than whatever setup you’ve got in your room. And, if you’re a married man, well, this is the perfect setup for you.

For the rest of the etiquette, just read the individual model’s bio. They straight up list all of their offers like it’s a fucking menu. You pick and choose what you want, like when you make your own sub at Subway. Same principle. So, if you want some Greek with a side order of oral and a bit of 69, you add those up, and that’s your price. You also have to multiply by time. Most of these girls offer discounts for longer periods, so it’s worth the extra bang for the buck. I guess they figure that once their holes are stretched out, they might as well use them for a bit longer and squeeze out every dollar you have.

Buyer Protection

As far as I can tell, you can’t use Escortify as an escrow service. This isn’t the freelance platform of smut. It’s more of an ad board. You find yourself a bunch of whores, you decide you want to spend the night with them, and you give them a call. In that way, the site itself doesn’t really get involved. There’s no escrow, no online payments, none of that. Escortify just puts you together with the babes. The rest is up to you. These babes list their phone numbers and all kinds of contact information that you can use to get in touch with them, so it’s all rather simple. They rarely accept direct phone calls, though. I guess that shit leads to all kinds of trouble. They prefer third-party chat apps instead.

One way or another, you need to set up a meet and agree on payment terms. There is some protection, though, to prevent catfishing, and I recommend that you use it. The website allows the escorts to verify their profiles along with their images. If you see that a profile is confirmed, that means that the pictures show the person in question. Otherwise, you are probably looking at a catfish, so don’t risk it.

Luckily, there aren’t many unverified profiles, so it’s not like you have to dig. Besides, all the hottest bitches are verified. That’s how they make their living. They can’t afford to go by without the stamp of approval.

Using the Site

You’ll see some familiar menu items like the ability to check out thots within a particular city in New Zealand, which is a no-brainer. I doubt any escort will ship herself to another town just to spend the night with you. Well, they might, but you’d be paying way above market value, what with the gas money and all. Plus, she can’t suck anyone else off that night, so you’re kind of digging into her time. It’s a hassle. Just get a local bitch.

There’s also a separate section on the site for sensual massages, but that doesn’t seem nearly as popular a category as the standard escorts. I’m glad they removed the non-sexual stuff, though, and put it in another category. That way, it’s crystal clear what you’re getting. It’s also nice that they encouraged the escorts to list the specific activities they’re down to perform with you. That’s sort of the fucking point, isn’t it? You want to know whether she takes it up the ass before you invite her over. It’s the same as dating free bitches, except you don’t have to buy your escorts expensive gifts or Michelin star dinners.

Lots of Variety

I know I said that there are mostly Asian bitches on this site, but the ones that aren’t Asian are varied as all hell. If you’re into ugly, fat housewives, you’ll find them here. Or, maybe you want some ethnic dark-skinned beauties in their 20s? Well, those are available too. Perhaps you prefer your bitches with some extra meat between their legs? Boom, check out the trans section. There are many chicks with dicks that would love to service you. The best part of the chicks with dicks is that the girlfriend experience includes anal by default.

And, of course, if you’re of the gay variety, you can get yourself a hunky burly lumberjack of a man to fuck all your worries away. Or, if you prefer your men daintier, there are also a ton of skinny twinks who are sure to enjoy you ramming your cock up their asses. Same as the chicks with dicks – anal is pretty much the main course. God, I love anal. Anyways, Escortify is a fantastic website. If you’re in any major city in New Zealand, you can check out the menu on this amazing site and rent yourself some quality holes.