BedPage

Bed Page! What could be better than perusing my website, finding a really sweet porn tube full of free smut, and then furiously stroking yourself to a mind-boggling, explosive climax? How about getting some hot slut to do that stroking for you? Maybe you can even upgrade from the handy to a full-fledged, full-completion oral massage. I guess it just depends on what the erotic masseuse happens to be offering and how much cash you’ve got in your pocket. Whatever the case, BedPage can help you find the right massage for your needs and budget.

BedPage.com popped up just a couple years ago, perhaps as a response to the crackdown on sites like Craigslist and Backpage. Hell, they’ve got a whole page linked in their footer that goes on about their effectiveness as a Backpage replacement. All those horny Johns and people with chronic knots in their back from desk work had to go somewhere, right? BedPage is pulling a few million hits per month, so it looks like I found where a lot of those displaced users went.

Erotic Massages and Used Cars in Your Neighborhood

The landing page to BedPage.com looks pretty much exactly like Craigslist or Backpage. It’s a huge list of cities around the world, broken down by country, province, and state. Most of the cities are in the United States, but they’ve got a pretty fucking huge selection of locations basically everywhere. You can even find an escort in Middle Eastern countries where I’m pretty sure they cut your fucking head off for banging sluts.

Once you choose a city, you’ll go to that location’s portal. There you’ll find all kinds of broad categories for their classified listings. BedPage has all the typical shit you’d expect, from used car sales to musician wanted ads, to “business opportunities” that are mostly pyramid schemes for housewives who don’t mind preying on each other for embarrassingly small amounts of cash and a stockpile of leggings and vitamins in the garage.

There are all kinds of sexual services available on the website, from phone sex operators and strippers, to tranny escorts and dominatrix sluts who won’t touch your cock unless they’re whipping it or kicking it with a savage boot. Today, I’m going to focus on the erotic massage listings on the site.

Two Sections Full of the Same Listings

I loaded up BedPage looking for a beautiful woman with very talented hands who I could pay to touch me all over. The first thing I noticed was that these listings are actually filed under two different categories. The site would do really well to merge these, because you’re going to have to look through both of them if you really want to assess your erotic massage options for the evening.

The Adult listings for each city break down into a bunch of sexy categories like Adult Jobs, Dom and Fetish, and Escorts. This is where you’ll find the section of Bodyrubs listings.

You will find very similar and often overlapping listings for kinky massage artists filed under the Massage category of BedPage’s Services. Yeah, I agree: it’s fucking stupid and a pain in the ass, and I’m not sure what they were thinking in the first place dividing them up like this. Nobody is trying to buy their mom a gift card for a wholesome massage on a fucking Backpage replacement. BedPage obviously knows this, because they make you pass through the same Adults Only gate on the way into either section.

What can I say, though? I didn’t set it up, and all I can really do about it is bitch a little bit as I write this review. Anybody using the site will just have to browse both sections or potentially miss out on a really good back rub with full release.

MaSsAgE U LoNgTiMe (Heart, Heart, Car Crash) LOCAL RELEASE (Eggplant)

In both the Bodyrubs and Massage areas, listings are presented the same way. It’s the tired, old school Craigslist format that was popular, when? Like 20 years ago? Instead of the sexy lady thumbnails you get on most massage/escort sites, BedPage gives you a bunch of text and a shit ton of emojis. Most of the massage listings ARE SCREAMED AT YOU IN ALL CAPS, JUST IN CASE YOU’RE DEAF! Well, I have to assume many of the users here are fucking old, because they don’t know any better than to use this new-but-outdated site.

It’s a goddamn cluster fuck. The only way to find out what your potential masseuse looks like is to click your way into listings with titles like I CAN MAKE UR SEX DREAMS CUM TRUE (car emoji, explosion emoji) DON’T MISS OUT (heart emoji) HEAD 2 TOE (frog emoji) FULL mAsSaGe W SwAlLoW (lips emoji, flower emoji, bowling ball emoji). Yes, that is a real listing title, and most of them read like that. Each listing opens in a new tab, so get ready for a ton of clicking.

Based on those titles, this is probably a good place to find an erotic massage from a retarded girl. I wonder how well that retard strength applies to erotic massages. I bet she can get the kinks out of my neck, but I am a little bit worried she’ll pet my fleshy dog so hard it dies.

Hit Up a Local Masseuse for a Rubdown

The good news is that most of the listings do seem to have photos. If I’m going to get a penis massage from an illiterate girl, I at least want her to be sexy as fuck. I guess the idiot broad who posted the “Are youbstressed and need massage” listing is out of the running, though, because she forgot to include her contact information.

Many of the listings include a phone number right in the post title alongside all those stupid fucking flower emojis, while others put them in the blurb or use BedPage’s built-in contact buttons. The end user, meaning you or me or anybody else looking for a grown-up rubdown, doesn’t need to sign up or log into the website to see any of this contact information. Great news for anybody worried their wife will find out about that totally innocent massage.

I’ve got to say, though, I’m a little bit skeptical of some of these listings. Some of the photos look like the typical amateur semi-porn you see on other escort sites.

Another massive hole in their system is the complete lack of user reviews. On most of the good escort sites these days, all the decent erotic masseuses will have reviews from dudes who’ve used their services. That helps a lot when you’re trying to choose a beautiful, talented girl. You wouldn’t order a blowup sex doll from Amazon if she’s got zero reviews, so why would you pay more for a live, flesh-and-blood bitch without any references?

The whole time I was browsing BedPage, I kept asking myself who the website was for. They set out to be a Backpage replacement, and I’d say they totally succeeded at that. The thing is, why the fuck would anybody still use Backpage these days? If you’re old and that’s what you’re used to, I almost get it, but there are much better options out there for finding a dirty massage in your area. At the very least, the other sites let you browse thumbnails instead of walls of sexual gibberish with a bunch of emojis thrown in.

I’m sure you can find a good erotic massage on BedPage and their sister sites Ebackpage & Ibackpage, but it’s going to be more work than it is on other sites like it. I can’t really recommend this to anybody unless they really miss that shitty, old, outdated Craigslist/Backpage format. If you’re really interested in paying somebody to touch you tonight, I recommend using something else from my list of Erotic Massage Sites.