Escort Fish! Some folks think that as The Porn Dude, I spend my days isolated from the rest of the world, never interacting with another soul as I jerk my way around the web with a raging hard-on and bucket of lube. That just ain’t true, folks! I have plenty of exchanges with live humans, usually involving sticking my ding-a-ling in one or more of her orifices. An escort site like EscortFish can go a long way in helping line that up.
I know what you’re thinking. “Porn Dude, you’re such a fucking stud and can pull all kinds of top-tier tail. Why would you need to hunt for a broad online, let alone pay for her services?” It’s largely a matter of convenience, my perverted friends. I may have hoes in different area codes, but EscortFish.ch has listings all across the US and Canada. Whether you’re on the run from the Feds in a town you’ve never heard of or trying to bag a hooker in your backyard, sometimes it’s nice to have a little roadmap.
Smash a Slut in Your Hometown
The front page of EscortFish is simple as hell, just a list of cities broken down by Country, State and Province. There are no graphics aside from a barely stylized logo. It looks like a cross between a red ribbon and a Jesus fish, but somehow it’s supposed to imply exchanging money with prostitutes in exchange for sexual favors. I’m sure there’s some obvious joke to make about Jesus being friends with hookers in the olden times, but I got kicked out of church for beating off in the hymn books too many times.
All your major cities across the top half of North America are covered. From Chicago to Detroit, Vancouver to Montreal, you can get your dick wet tonight. They’ve got dozens of smaller cities on the map, too, so you shouldn’t have to drag your ass too far to find some paid pussy. You’d better use your browser’s incognito mode so your wife doesn’t know you’ve been looking at local Asian escorts to help ease your yellow fever.
EscortFish is different from a lot of escort sites in that it’s actually an aggregator and not a classified ad service. Instead of getting the listings from the sex workers themselves, EscortFish scrapes them from sites like CityXGuide, SkipTheGames, and EscortAlligator. The site is put together so well that I didn’t realize it was aggregating listings until I saw the little disclaimer at the bottom. They’re “not the originator of any content.”
Cheaper Than Dating If You Do the Math
Once you pick you pick your city, EscortFish lays the babes out like cuts of meat. Feast your eyes on row after row of thumbnails of hot sluts waiting to sell their hot cunts. Some will have their faces hidden while trying to show off the rest of the goods, but you’ll see more pretty eyes and nice smiles depending on where you are. There tends to be more room for legal gray areas, like the ones occupied by escort sites, in big cities. Babes out in the sticks worry more about their anonymity.
Thumbnails only display minimal info, but it’s the absolute most important shit. EscortFish tells you how recently the listing was posted, where the babe is located, how old she is, and her phone number. You could literally do all your hooker shopping here without even dipping fully into the listings.
If you’re in a well-populated area, holy shit, get ready for an onslaught of pussy for sale. In Chicago, I pulled up around 8200 escorts, erotic masseuses and dominatrixes. I’m currently viewing All the escorts in the area, but tabs at the top let me switch to Female, Massage, Male, Trans and Fetish.
It’s pussy you’re after tonight, right? Poking around the site a bit, it’s clear that the Female listings outnumber everything by a huge margin. You can still find a ton of trannies and some sexy massages, but the pickings are noticeably slimmer for gigolos and fetish adventures.
Unfiltered, Like a Bong Hit of Hookers
Even after switching to the all-female view, I still had more than 7,000 escorts to choose from in Chicago. I have a superhuman libido and Pfizer’s secret recipe for Viagra, but I’ve only got so much time. I need to narrow down this selection some more.
Unfortunately, that’s pretty much it when it comes to filtering your search. This is probably related to the fact that EscortFish is an aggregator and not a classified site. Every site has their own format and fields for their listings, and at some point it’s just too difficult for a third-party site to index it all. I’ve been impressed by how cleanly they’ve been able to integrate the different sites as it is.
The lack of filters is a little fucked up for an escort site. They don’t have a search bar, either. I can’t type teen big boobs or MILF GFE, nor can I jump straight to the Asians doing Greek or Latinas going Russian. For the newbies, that’s secret escort lingo for “Japanese butt-sex” and “Mexican titty-fucking”.
So what’s a horny Porn Dude to do? The age tagged right on the thumbnail is useful, even if I can’t just choose the oldness range I’m comfortable with on a slider. I like to be able to narrow down the girls with the big tits and tattoos, smokers and tokers, Latinas and Asians, but I can’t do that here. I guess I’ll just have to scroll until I see a girl I like.
Where the Big Titty Bitches At?
The good news is that the profile listings are nice and full. EscortFish’s aggregation services really shine here. They pull all the data from listings elsewhere and display them in a consistent format. You get all the pictures, stats, and that oh-so-important blurb. The richness and level of open perversion will still depend on where you are and what service they’re listing on, of course, but it’s a good place to look for those code words.
Incidentally, EscortFish could benefit from the little guides and glossaries you often get on other escort sites. How else will the youngsters know how to navigate the etiquette of asking a high-class call-girl to toss your salad, or learn about the incredible value of getting a BBBJTC with MSOG? If this is going to be your first rodeo, you’d better do some homework. Google is your friend, young buck.
On a similar note, since EscortFish doesn’t have any of their own original content, they don’t offer any kind of profile verification. You’re kind of on your own in avoiding rip-offs and scams. That’s pretty standard on any escort site, though many offer a little song and dance to make you feel better. There are some obvious fake profiles here, like one I found of a “sexy ebony beauty” who happens to be a hot white girl in all the photos.
You’ll probably want to start opening tabs with your favorite girls. The most important shit is at the top for easy comparison. When it’s time to set up your poonani purchase, the phone numbers and/or other relevant contact info is right there in bold on the side of the page. You don’t have to sign up, and your kids don’t have to find out you paid a fat lady to step on your balls, but only for half an hour because although you may be a pervert, you’re not blowing the entire college fund. Yet.
EscortFish.ch is a different kind of escort site than most, with some unique advantages and drawbacks. The lack of search filters is a bit of a bitch, especially if you live or fuck in a big city, though you Johns in smaller towns won’t have the same issue of overwhelming choice. EscortFish is an aggregator of sex worker listings, meaning it’s like browsing a bunch of escort sites from one central portal. This is the site’s main strength, and in most cases it will probably outweigh the frustration of having to manually sift through all your hooker options like some kind of pre-iPhone caveman. You don’t even have to sign up to browse the girls or hit them up, so what have you got to lose?