The House Of Porn
This is my kind of house right here. The type that I go home to cry about because AI tools on the internet think I sound like a clanker. So I drown my tears in sorrow in porn, on pornhouse.co, because that is the whole purpose of this place. The landing page is beautiful, looks almost cartoony, but I assure you, the content in there is not. It’s not like the AI robots are nailing the bed with some submissive and breedable chicks here, as they did to me. Ah, who the hell cares? I am going to talk like an eighth grader after he got beaten up by the big, mean bully.
But who the hell cares about me? I am living the good life, aren’t I? And you are here to put that stress away after a long day at work, you come back to the pornhouse, and that meat stick is practically begging for a whacking. Hmm, I never thought about it like that. Isn’t the penis actually a submissive? Like pure bottom? It urges you to beat and stroke the fuck out of it violently. And pornhouse? They are just enabling my sadistic behavior.
Another thing that I just noticed is that pornhouse.co uses a very similar website template as some other porn tubes I have reviewed over the past cum drench months. No shade in that, because it's actually very functional. I mean, take a look at that home page. Beautiful! It lists all the pornstars, all the studios, all the tags by kinks and fetishes, and then it hits you with the grand finale of listing all the videos. Currently, there are only 13 pages of porn clips on this entire website, which means that this baby porn tube is in its infancy stage, either that or it’s more like the middle child that got ignored throughout puberty by his parents.
Gooning And Cooming
Ok, let me actually tell you more about the fuck ton of stuff happening here. If you decide to browse pornhouse.co like a regular person who needs specific categories, channels, pornstars, etc. You can do that. Think of it as bringing a shopping list to your trip to the market, except this trip involves gooning and cooming to blonde fuck toys on the website. But I understand that some of you have actual taste buds, you know, flavor. Not everyone prefers Milka, some of you fucks want Toblerone. It’s the same concept here, except switch chocolate with pornstars and get your fill. They have a list of videos from Diana Rider, Comatozze, Abella Danger, and Riley Reid, to name a few.
The majority of videos follow some kind of POV trend. Yeah, I know. It’s like whoever was building this website said fuck you all, I want the POV stuff. I don’t need to see that bison with a cock nail the bitch, I want to see just the cock and that bitch close up style. Honestly, I kind of agree with him. POV porn hits much better than the regular stuff. If it’s not POV, then it's ShittyOV, yeah bitch trademark that. Oh, and this made me circle back to the categories, because why the hell include them if most of the videos are POV anyways? Well, because the categories are quite unique. There is literally a category called test preview, like whoever built this website left that in there to show some humanity, to show that this is a homemade porn tube stash by some degenerate just as horny as we are. But the other categories are pretty standard, stuff like anal fucking, anal fingering, arab, ass, all the vanilla shit you can think of, with a small blaze of kinky shit.
Enough about the categories, I am more interested in the studios. I mean, they have them all on display here, waving them like a proud, horny flag. The most popular ones are apparently Blacked raw, bratty sis, BaDoink Vr, All Girl Massage, pretty much every single studio that you are used to watching on the orange and black hub, that rhymes with corntub. But pornhouse.co has like one to two videos from each studio, which is not nearly enough to get my fill. If I am over here trying to see some chick get blacked, I want variety, not just two videos. But hey, you can’t have it all in life.
Stagnant In 720p
So, my dick is dripping precum, I am sitting on a chair half naked, and I have edged myself enough to thumbnails and previews. It’s time to actually test drive this content and go to dick-beating city with it. I am not going to lie to you here, I booted up Lana Rhodes videos immediately because that is what gets my dick churning. And I know, I know, it's pretty basic and all that considering the amount of ridiculously depraved and kinky shit I have seen in my life. But come on, Lana’s ass can get anyone turned on any time of the day, no matter where they are. Here is the deal, I hit play, and the video loaded instantly. Blazing in its glory with full HD quality at 60fps. For a second there, my GPU fan started blowing smoke, going into overdrive. Heck, even electronic parts get turned on by Lana, and honestly, I don’t blame them. One thing that sticks out to me is that you can’t switch the video quality. You are basically forced to watch it in 720p. But what if I want to feel like a retro punk, pretending it’s 2006 all over again, and I want to watch it in 480p? Or save a bit on the internet bill? Huh. Tough luck.
Honestly, I am not even complaining about the quality, 720p is better than most porn tubes out there. Granted, most of them show amateur videos filmed on a potato with two wires and lube. I am drifting off topic. Let's get back to the video playback cum stuff. So, I finished my jack off session, Lana worked that pussy got and got me grunting in five different horny mating call languages. The whole experience felt as good as it gets. I mean, it’s a porn tube site, what do you expect? It plays a video, you fap to it, and you either go for round two, or you get back to whatever the hell you were doing beforehand. You know what I did? I went for round three because my sex drive is on the same level as those Vikings in Valhalla, they drink all day. I fuck and masturbate instead.
I Am Leaving The Keys Under The Mat
It's time to put on my shoes and slowly leave the pornhouse. I am leaving the keys under the mat in case any of you filthy fucks want to join in on the fun, too. I bet the whole thing is not going to disappoint you. And I know, they only have 13 pages of porn content going here, but give them some time. Whoever is behind this porn tube is going to upload some more videos, give you more dick-draining material to go over. And they are going to make sure you come back here again and again.
I mean, think about it, if they manage to upload more content of the pornstars like Sweetie Fox or Candy Love, then you are going to end up spending hours here, refreshing the page, waiting for that fresh new latest upload tab to hit you with instant dopamine. This shit can easily become your drug, only if you have a high sex drive. If you're the type that does a fap and dip session, then you are welcome to take the keys, get in for a quicky, and leave the porn house for a day or two. Either way, you are going to come back again. If you don’t, then you are probably going to end up joining the Discord server that pornhouse.co has, or maybe even their Telegram group if you are really dedicated. There are some wild coomers on there like you and me, maybe you can get on a group call fap session and get the groove going in a weird brotherly bond way.
