Lelo

Been getting a lot of alone time lately? Yeah, me too. The coronavirus has made all our lives weird, though as a full-time porn reviewer, I’m kind of used to sitting around at home alone watching anal orgies. This is actually the longest I’ve gone without getting run out of Starbucks for jerking off. Anyway, I bet you’re looking for something to enhance those solitary days, huh? I’ve been browsing Lelo this morning, trying to find some new way to spice up my hourly fap routine.

Lelo.com has been hawking high-end, high-class sex toys since 2003. I can tell you right fucking now those assholes who sold me the cheap, leaky silicone butthole with jagged edges don’t have that kind of record backing them up. No shit, these makers of fine vibrators and cock massagers are pulling over 20,000 visitors a day! Some may be window shopping, but others are getting what’s going to get them through quarantine. I’m still waiting on my stimulus check, but I’m ready to blow it on a new machine that strokes my cock.

Genital Massagers for Gentlemen and Ladies

Before we go any further, I’m not going to bullshit you: most Lelo sex toys (about two-thirds) are designed with women in mind. That shouldn’t come as any surprise to anybody who’s ever been in a porn store, watched dirty movies, or used the Internet. The company has always specialized in vibrators, which are historically the solo-sexual domain of the fairer sex.

That said, the store carries sex toys for men, women and couples. It’s not a grab bag of brands like you’ll find on some online sex shops, but Lelo’s own, award-winning toy designs. They’ve also got separate aisles full of condoms and sex accessories, so you don’t have to force a dry metal phallus up your butthole.

The website screams class from the moment I land. Instead of a pornstar with huge fake jugs shaking around a floppy rubber ding-dong at the top of the page, there’s a young 18+ model in her panties posing beside a photo of an eggplant-colored sex toy that even looks a little like the spongy vegetable. Honestly, if I saw the thing out of context, I wouldn’t have guessed it’s something you use to masturbate.

The eggplant toy is a new gadget for the ladies, the Sona 2 Cruise, advertised with the slogan “Clitorally Mindblowing”. As a guy who makes his living writing with one free hand, I appreciate the wordplay. Women will appreciate its large surface area, wide range of sonic intensities, and a feature that makes it buzz harder as you push harder. It goes for around $120, and that’s the sale price. I told you Lelo.com was high-end.

At least you don’t have to pay for shipping. It’s the least they could do, right? But wait, there’s more! They’re running a #StaySafe campaign aimed at keeping you home and happy, and let’s be honest, drumming up some business for themselves. Hey, ain’t nothing wrong with that, especially when the campaign includes free sex toys with a big enough order. You’ve got to spend $169, but it earns you a Picobong Remoji app-controlled toy. I wish I could tell you Remoji was a vibrating cock ring or dick harness with a built-in waterpipe, but it’s buzzing butt plug with Bluetooth.

These Sex Toys Win Awards

Scrolling down the front page of Lelo.com, it’s hard not to notice that these aren’t your typical fake dicks you get at that dank, dimly lit shop off the highway with the gloryholes in the back. They’ve all got a sci-fi aesthetic, all clean silicone and shiny metal. Some have the traditional pseudo-penis shape; others are shaped like rings or some kind of futuristic rabbit toy.

It’s easy enough to design some cool-looking shit, but these can get you off, too, and hard! Lelo has won multiple awards for their sex toys. In 2019 alone, they pulled the XBiz Award for Luxury Brand of the Year, the Best Luxury Toy Range Adultex Award, and the iF Design Award for Product Design. Women’s Health called the brand “the best thing in hi-tech intimacy.” I wish they would have submitted one to PornDude manor for approval, but I guess I’ll have to take the word of these other sexperts.

A trip to the Best-Sellers page shows off some of those stimulating gizmos that have won Lelo all that acclaim. That Sona 2 Cruise I mentioned is at the top of the list, along with its predecessor. They’re proud of their Soraya 2 rabbit, their Ora 3 ring-shaped vibrator, and the Gigi 2 with the classic almost-cock shape. Dudes will appreciate the Tor 2, “the best vibrating cock ring available.” The remote-controlled couples’ massagers are a big hit, as are their line of luxury Hex Condoms.

And then, what’s this? A can-shaped thing called the F1 Developer’s Kit catches my eye, looking like something they probably carried into space to masturbate in 2001: A Space Odyssey. Hyped as “The World’s First SDK-Enabled Male Pleasure Object,” I had to take a closer look.

High-Tech Male Masturbation Devices

I was kind of bullshitting at the beginning when I said I was going to blow some money on a new sex toy, but now I’m wondering if that hooker ran off with my wallet. It’s expensive, but it looks like a serious fucking upgrade from my Fleshlights, my Tenga Flip Hole, and the sex robot I built out of an inflatable raft and old Pringles can. Goddamn, this looks like the perfect compliment to my VR sex helmet. The body is built of textured black aluminum, and the guts are made of silicone, visible through a portal on the side.

The F1S has dual motors and multiple intensities, just like the female toys at Lelo. It also uses the same technology that sends sonic waves deep into your dick, instead of just the surface-level vibrations of most other vibrators. This magic fucking thing goes to work as soon as it feels you slip inside, and can keep giving you the good feels for 2 hours on one charge.

Like other Lelo devices, you can control the F1S with an iOS or Android device. I saw “Developer’s Kit” and thought this was some half-working beta version of the device, but I’m already sold on the features they’ve got now. If you are an app developer, you can use the exclusive and free SDK to fuck around with all the sensors and buzzers in the thing, further customizing the experience. Goddamn, I need this fucking thing. It’s $169, which means it qualifies for that free buzzing buttplug.

Golden Buttplugs for the Fanciest of Fancy Lads

Speaking of buttplugs, they’ve got a 24-karat gold one called Earl, also available in Stainless Steel if you’d like to save a thousand bucks. I fucking love that it comes with cufflinks that say LELO. You can wear the whole set to your next board meeting and people will just think you’re a classy motherfucker without a hunk of gold shoved up your asshole.

Golden anal beads and vibrators are also available for those with deep enough pockets. The Inez, billed as “The World’s Most Exclusive Massager,” will run you no less than $15,000. If that’s too hard on your wallet, not to worry, because you can break it down to four easy payments with Sezzle. That’s only $3,750 every couple of weeks. You can afford that.

Most of the products at Lelo.com are nowhere near that expensive, but the high prices are what most of you perverts are going to hate most. Even the entry-level cock rings go for $140, and those are some of the cheapest toys the company sells. This ain’t kid shit, though; these products were built to last, and built to get you off really fucking hard.

If you’ve got fat pockets, love masturbating and appreciate the finer things in life, Lelo.com is going to be your type of sex toy store. The place is clean and classy, and so are their dick-massagers and clit-buzzers. Even if you’re not planning on buying anything to massage your privates with today, the shop is worth a look just to see what’s happening in the world of cutting-edge sex toys. Be careful, though. I came to window shop and now I’m trying to find my goddamn wallet.