I’ve never been more shocked, amused, disgusted, and, ultimately, conflicted when reviewing a website. Yeah, you fuckers know that I look at a lot of weird and whacky smut, but Celeb Jihad is something completely different. Sound too amazing to be true? Well, keep reading to find out.
Smut Combined with Satire?
First off, CelebJihad most distinctive feature is that is bills itself as a satire website. In fact, the site's authors claim, despite all of the skin pics and flicks, that it is not a porn site. Never mind the hours and hours of porn, Celeb Jihad describes itself as…
“CelebJihad.com is not a pornographic website, at least officially. However, this Website contains adult content which may include images, text, sounds, and videos of a sexually explicit nature and are intended for a mature audience, by visiting this website, you understand that the subject matter contained herein may concern matters of sexuality."
Yeah, way to skirt around what you actually are. Blog section or no, if you’re posting enough hours of porn to last a hospice patient a lifetime, you’re a fucking porn site.
Anyway, there are a lot of in-depth satire and opinion pieces on the blog section, but to understand you have to understand the character that the writer (or writers) who upload blog posts, and this part of the site is actually a little amusing.
As the name might suggest, CelebJihad is a “not-porn porn-ish site” which has been made by Islamic fundamentalists. If you need to read that sentence again, I don’t blame you. According to CelebJihad, the site was founded by Durkha Durkha Mohammed who, after being given away to Christians missionaries for having camel spit for brains and later learning about ‘evils’ of the female flesh from an Islamic guru, eventually settled down with a wife in his home country of Afghanistan.
However, tragedy struck Durka when he found his wife reading a People magazine. The horror! Being a virtuous Muslim man, he was obligated to stone his wife to death on the spot, then moved to America and has now sworn to overthrow the evils of Western celebrity culture by forming a celeb gossip site and launching an all-out digital jihad.
Allahu Akbar, indeed.
In all seriousness, or at least as close to serious as I can be, the author(s) really know how to churn out off-color content.
Kind of like someone else I know. ;)
Assuming you can navigate the site to the blog section (more on the web design later) if you scroll through the sites blog posts you’ll find ranting and raving posts which sound exactly like something you’d here Osama and his buds bitching about in the caves of Afghanistan.
For instance, one article I found reviewed the first Harry Potter movie, Durka whinges about the glorification of paganism and even "perverse sexuality." The author suggests that there's lewd shit in the movie but continuously implies that then-ten-year-old Daniel Radcliffe is a very handsome guy on the eve of manhood.
It's like how I imagine a Pakistani homophobe bitching about how the gays are going to overthrow civilization while getting a lap dance from a Bacha boy.
(If you don’t know what that is, it’s just as fucking creepy as it sounds.)
So, yeah. Whoever runs CelebJihad really likes to rip the piss out of radical religious types and write up a few good jokes, too.
Celebrity Gossip Columns
On the other hand, there is a bunch of fucking shallow gossip, which I think the reader is supposed to take seriously? I don't know, but at best some of it reads like the shallow shit you'd here thirteen-year-old girls would gab about in middle school. At worst, some of the posts remind me of the gossip rags you see in grocery store checkout counters.
Apparently, in an attempt to elevate themselves from being just another digital gossip rag, CelebJihad's disclaimer says…
“CelebJihad.com is a satirical website containing published rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions, fiction as well as factual information. Information on this site may or may not be true and is not meant to be taken as fact. Celeb Jihad’s owner makes no warranty as to the validity of any claims.”
So outside of the occasionally funny satire and there is some content with nudes (more on that later), much of the rest of the written content doesn’t really have any important information, isn’t funny, or have anything terribly sexy to read or look at.
What a fucking waste of time!
So to sum up, the blog section is hit, or miss and the rest of the site is sketchy at best.
Decent Basic Video Content…
Before we get to the super controversial video footage, I’m going to talk about the more vanilla content on the site. There’s plenty of stuff which is basically public domain, at least by default since the celebrities featured, typically don’t care that their nudes are already all over the site.
To give you an idea, you can see soft-core, grainy footage of Paris Hilton's second sex tape. There are also compilations of pictures and videos of celebrities in sexy scenes like Emilia Clarke’s nude and simulated sex scenes from Game of Thrones.
It’s not bad, but you can get the same stuff elsewhere and for much better quality.
Oh yeah, there’s also a bunch of stupid photoshopped stuff depicting certain celebrities doing all kinds of dirty things. If you’re into decent digitally altered pictures, you might like it, but I’m not really into it.
To be honest, this kind of stuff is really just weak wank material.
…But There’s Revenge Porn…
Yeah, that's right. And yes, this is what I was building up to and why CelebJihad is so controversial online. Rather than post original video of beautiful, big-titted women, the losers running this have uploaded gigabytes of stolen and leaked video and pics of famous women to attract a bunch ad revenue.
Not fucking cool.
Oh yeah, and the people who follow this site are a bunch of idiots, too. Occasionally you might find something which is as funny as the better blog posts. But most of it is clearly a bunch of losers who don't have anything better to do than litter the net with even more grammatically FUBARed and seem to get off on trolling each other in the comments section for what must take hours on end.
…And Shitty Web Design
I already talked a little about the sites web design, and it is awful.
Well, that might be an exaggeration, but the way the site is set up is super sloppy. Trying to find certain videos or celebrities is easy, but that’s about the only thing done well. The layout sucks, there are no preview thumbnails, and finding the quality blogs are a pain in the ass.
On top of that, damn near every time you click on a link, the page opens up into a new tab and the original tab switches over to a cam site or some other stupid spam.
My firewalls are pretty good, so I don’t have to worry about my computer getting infected. But I bet that someone who has only basic malware protection could get their machine fucked up after only cruising around the site for a few minutes.
Responses to CelebJihad
Obviously, CelebJihad (often misspelled as "celebrity jihad", "celebrityjihad" and "celeb hijab") has gotten a ton of lawsuits from the lawyers from all over the world. From what I’ve heard, the site's owners are probably located outside of the United States, though they're probably not in Afghanistan, either.
Where ever the site’s owners are, if rumors on the interweb are true, CelebJihad’s domain register might eventually be subpoenaed and the site shut down.
Summing Up the Site
Like I said, the sacrilegious, parody content is actually pretty funny, and some of the photoshopped pics are kinda clever. If I liked this site enough, I'd suggest everyone send samples of this websites posts to ISIS's Twitter page. However, there isn't enough funny posts and too much shallow, gossipy bullshit. If you’re one of those shallow asshats who likes that stupid shit, there ya go.
But the thing that fucks me off about this site is all of the pirated video footage which only enriches the anonymous, greedy fuckers who run CJ and embarrass their victims. On top of that, the jackass who run this site, don't even own up to be pornographers. Then again, real porn peddlers actually have real talent and hire original talent.