CelebsRoulette

Celebs Roulette! Pornstars know their fans are ruining their eyesight and growing hair on their palms every time they watch their movies. What about regular, “clean” celebrities? Surely, Eliza Dushka knows people are beating off to her even if she’s never flashed her beaver at the camera. It’s something to think about while you’re beating off to Eliza Dushka and other celebrities over at Celebs Roulette.

The site’s been around for about four years and currently gets almost 3 million views a month. That’s a lot of horny motherfuckers trying to see famous titties. It’s funny, the entire rest of the Internet is dedicated to pornstars showing off the goods, but it just ain’t good enough for you? Ah, the heart wants what it wants, am I right? Let’s get to it.

Nude Celeb Videos On Tap

The main page of CelebsRoulette features the wall-of-porn you see on every other video site. The top half shows Nude Celebs Videos Being Watched, and the bottom is New Naked Celebs Scenes.

There’s no Random or Roulette button in the header, so I guess this Being Watched section is the closest we’re going to get to a built-in fap roulette. Come on, CelebsRoulette, it’s in your name. You know people are going to look for the feature.

I do see a pretty delicious cross-section of material currently being browsed. Somebody’s waxing the carrot to Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks. Another pervert is flogging the bishop to Penelope Cruz in Ma Ma. I’d like to extend thanks to whoever was spanking the monkey to Rosamund Pike in Women in Love. I had no idea that gorgeous, dead-eyed broad ever took it off in a film.

The New scenes turned me on to further shit that turns me on. Did you know Patricia Arquette did nudity? It’s peak Patricia Arquette, too--1988. I’m going to have to come back to that. There’s another Rosamund Pike scene in there, too, so I’m a happy motherfucker.

While CelebsRoulette keeps track of which celebrities have gotten naked in movies, it focuses on famous broads, not dudes. If you’re looking for every nude scene Aubrey Plaza has done, CelebsRoulette has got you covered. What you won’t find, for example, is an extensive cataloging of every time Harvey Keitel has shown his dick in a movie.

Speaking of, the guy has a real commitment to male full-frontal nudity on the silver screen. Not a lot of people realize this, but Harvey Keitel has been in almost 300 movies, and he’s shown his penis in each and every single one of them. Google it if you don’t believe me, numb-nuts, ‘cause it ain’t on CelebsRoulette!

Rosamund Pike Is A Future Sex Doll

I saw Gone Girl in the theater with this chick I was trying to bang. She didn’t end up coming home with me, so the blue balls would have been bad enough, but I had a boner through the whole fucking movie. Rosamund Pike has this Living Sex Doll vibe about her. She’s flawless and just never fucking blinks. Watch any of her movies and tell me I’m wrong.

Naturally, I had to check out one of her scenes pretty much as soon as I saw her on CelebsRoulette. Women in Love came out in 2011, but I’d never heard of it until now. It doesn’t sound like my kind of thing. If it was called Women in an Anal-Fisting Threesome, well, that’d be another fucking story altogether.

The video loads up in a clean, simple player. If I was supposed to see an ad first, my pop-up blocker caught it.

The scene opens with Pike in a bathtub with some dude. It’s a sexy enough image, but I have to turn off the sound because blah blah blah feelings blah blah lady stuff. Thankfully, she’s out of the tub and fully nude in the next scene a few seconds later, making out with some buff dude. Dude has erectile dysfunction from what I can tell, but I was hard enough to dent a car.

It’s actually a montage of clips from this film (or series, I’m not quite sure). In another scene, she’s skinny dipping with a different broad. She’s got full make-up on in the water, which is exactly what you’d expect from a Humanoid Sex Android. It won’t wash off with either pond water or a hot eruption of jizz.

At the end of the montage, we get some of the better stuff again, this time in slow motion. I might have been distracted by Rosamund’s perfect, perky little tits, engineered by sex-doll technicians, but I still haven’t seen the supposedly human actress blink.

Also Featuring… Who?

Alright, here’s the weird thing about Celebs Roulette. There’s a reason I mentioned the specific celebrities I noticed on the front page. Well, one reason is that Rosamund Pike just does it for me and I’m happy to see her naked. The other, more important reason is I just didn’t recognize any of the other “celebrities”.

The appeal of a celebrity site is you’re going to see celebrities naked. You see them on TV or in a movie first, you have some dirty thoughts, and then you check a site like CelebsRoulette to see if they have any nude scenes.

I’ve reloaded the front page and I’ve got a few new ones I recognize. Rachel McAdams, Elizabeth Olsen, and Jennifer Lawrence all have some material on CelebsRoulette that I’m going to have to check out.

The rest of the videos look hot. In fact, some of them look like straight-up porno. I just don’t recognize any of the other “celebrities”.

There is a scene from Nymphomaniac on the list. The flick is basically a porno masquerading as an art film. It’s got Shia LaBeouf, though he claims it was really a pornstar’s dick that got computered in during post-production. I’d probably say the same thing, because “his character” couldn’t get it up.

Just clicking randomly on videos, it looks like a lot of the movies have a similar wine-and-cheese vibe. I’m so glad the art fuckers are openly perverts these days. Also, thanks to sites like CelebsRoulette, I don’t have to sit through stuffy art films just to see the parts with penetration.

Seriously, Who?

If you leave the main page, you’ll get a sidebar on the left that lists Top Categories, Top Sites, and Top Models. The Top Categories are things you’d expect, like Nudity and Sex in TV Show, or Classic Movie Scenes. You know, celeb site stuff.

The Top Sites on CelebsRoulette are places like PlayBoyTV, LustCinema, and BoundHeat. That helps explain why so many videos just look like porno. It turns out, they’re actually porno. I like porno, yeah, but it seems like throwing that in is adding noise. People are here for the celebs, right? Maybe I’m wrong.

The Top Models are just baffling. On a site called CelebsRoulette, I’ve heard of literally none of their “Top Models”. Lana Sue? Pau Pappei? Lina Bembe? WTF?

I clicked Samantha Bentley, because I thought she at least sounded familiar. CelebsRoulette has two scenes with her.

Oh, right. Now I know why Samantha Bentley sounded familiar. That said, she’s really not what people are looking for when they’re trying to knock their junk around to a celeb site. Samantha Bently is what people are looking for when they’re trying to knock their junk around to a porn site.

A trip to the Models section reveals more pornstars, each with scenes to view on CelebsRoulette. It’s a weird gallery of names you don’t recognize. Most don’t even have an image, just a black box for a thumbnail.

CelebsRoulette.com (often misspelled as "celebsroullette") has some great celeb material, but you have to know which famous broads you’re looking for. The site has a decent selection of pornstars with a ton of good content, but it may get in the way if you want a true celebrity wank session.