Gwen Stefani Nude

Oh, Gwen Stefani, why do you do this to me? It’s difficult. Normally when I review bitches for this website, I come at it from the perspective of someone who's got his hand down his pants and I'm thinking about how much I'd like to fuck the girl and in what hole. And that's a very simple life. I'm a simple man. I do my work. I clock in, I clock out. But with Gwen Stefani, I suffer. I struggle because I genuinely admire her, and not just because she's gorgeous. I mean, I admire everything she's done as a person.

So I'm asking myself, how far can I push this review down the road of sincere admiration without you guys telling me I've gone soft and marking me some sort of simp? I'm not simping. I'm genuinely admiring. Gwen Stefani has been a powerhouse of everything that's right with the world since her first album. She's the kind of feminist that is an actual feminist, meaning not a complaining, whiny piece of shit that wants points, but the kind of girl that sets an example, paves the way, and otherwise makes life livable for men, women, and children alike. And she's been doing all that while having a popping body, a beautiful face, and an all-around lovable personality from day one.

I know you might think that this is a bit of a dated review. I mean, she's been around for almost 30 years now, but she hasn't gotten any less interesting or any less attractive. I know she's married to that country singer off The Voice. I don't know his name. I don't really care. I don't listen to country music, but I know they're very happy. But that's not what we're here for. Normally when I review babes, I review them from the perspective of a masturbator, and I guess I could do that to Gwen Stefani, but I also have to pepper every single part of the review with admiration and respect solely because I'm a fan. I'm a huge fan.

Save Your Heart For Gwen And Your Pants For Someone Else

Just to be clear, I'm not crazy over No Doubt's music or whatever. I like the stuff they've made. That's not the point. I'm crazy over Gwen Stefani and the way she does things. She never half-asses this shit. No matter what she does, she always gives it her all. All of her projects from beginning to end have been these top-tier extravaganzas filled with charm and elite success and perfect singing with beautiful assets.

I mean, for God's sake, the woman has a posse of four Japanese women that just follow her around everywhere both in music videos and live performances for no reason other than she just likes Japan. You might have seen them. She calls them the Harajuku Girls. They’re always in the background. And this is exactly what I was talking about. You see, I was supposed to talk about pussy, but I got distracted.

On the one hand, I'm telling you four Japanese girls. On the other hand, my hand is still not firmly down my pants because I never actually jacked off to the Harajuku Girls. I have jacked off to Gwen a couple of times, but it was more of a loving kind of jack-off. The kind where I really like to imagine myself marrying this woman someday, but that's not in the cards. She's happily married, and good for her, but a man can dream. Maybe I could find a woman who's like Gwen Stefani, and this is exactly what I was referring to when I said she's inspiring. She inspires me to be a better version of myself, to look for a woman who is like her and would fit me. I want to find the kind of woman who inspires me this way.

She’s Just a Girl

It's interesting that she made my list so quickly and that I'm this enamored given that in terms of physical attributes, she's, dare I say, nothing special. She's just a girl. (That’s a reference.) She's a lean blonde from the States with a very standard body that she likes to maintain. She's known for her athletic form. She hits the gym, but she doesn't overdo it. She likes being limber and ready for action. I admire that. It's not the body that you gawk at. It's the eyes combined with the body.

See, this is the kind of girl who brings the gear that she needs, and then she looks you in the eyes, and you can tell from the get-go that she is going to demolish your world in the best of ways because she knows what she's doing. She's having a good time. This is the kind of feminism I can get behind. I mean, Gwen Stefani has been showing us that you can be your own version of cool through and through without apology, and it doesn't matter what other people think of you.

I don't think I've even ever heard any flack directed towards her, and I'm sure there's some of it out there. Everyone gets flack, but the reason I haven't heard of anything negative about Gwen Stefani is because she doesn't give a flying fuck, in a good way, in the best way. In many ways, she's the female version of me minus the sexual perversion and the masturbatory obsessions, but you see what I'm getting at. Gwen Stefani is the kind of woman we should all aspire to be or be with. We can all learn a little bit from her, from the style to the talent to the hard work. This is the kind of person that I want to be.

Still Poppin In Her 50’s

Seriously, I know that she's happily married, but in another universe, I would have proposed to her. In the meantime, I'm kind of on the prowl for chicks like Gwen Stefani. Seriously, they're the rarest kind of women. End of story. You don't find these kinds of girls just walking around town. It's rare to find a woman who's this smart, this talented, and this charming, but also obsessed with doing everything her way and putting in the work.

It’s no wonder it took her so long to find true love. She got married when she was in her 50s, I think, or maybe late 40s, but either way, you get the point. It’s not easy for people who are this amazing to find someone else who is deserving of that level of amazing. Now I would like to apologize for going off on several tangents. This is a review of Gwen Stefani, yes, but I'm supposed to be a horny bastard, so let me at the very least try to find something sexy to talk about.

As far as I can remember, back in the day, Gwen was very liberal about flashing people and wearing skimpy outfits, so we did get to see a little bit more of her skin than we're used to, and she was pretty damn hot. Nowadays, she's getting on in years, and that has its effects, of course, but for the most part, it's safe to say that she hasn't really left much of a smutty legacy. She's not that kind of girl.

Which is not to say that you can't jack off to pictures of her or whatever. You're free to do so, but I don't think you're going to find much content. Honestly, you're better off just enjoying the music videos for what they are and sort of hyping yourself up to something more pornographic. There are also people out there who like to deepfake or beautify her or whatever, but as you know, I think that's pathetic. She deserves better than that.

Nothing But Love

Honestly, just whip your dick out to the music videos and bask in the fantasy. That’s where it’s at. Maybe consider this the only musical review on The Porn Dude so far. Maybe I'll do another one if I'm feeling particularly inspired, but Gwen Stefani's music is pretty damn good if you like pop ballads. It’s not generic pop music. It’s good shit, and I know she has a hand in writing the shit herself. It’s not produced by committee, so all in all, she is the kind of singer-songwriter star that we should all be glad we are receiving.

Girls like this don’t come around twice in one lifetime. Gwen Stefani is an all-around favorite of mine in just about every facet of life. I’ve been a fan of hers since we were both kids, I guess, and I’ve got nothing but good things to say about her. If you find it difficult to jack off to her on account of how she’s not a porn star, hey, that’s okay. That’s okay. I’m just here to call it like I see it, and what I see is one of the greatest women to ever walk the earth.

Maybe I’m a little biased because I have a crush on her, but whatever. My point stands. I love you, Gwen Stefani. I’ll see you in another life.