MetaPorn

Today, we're paying a visit to Meta Porn! I hope you’ve got some sick time saved up, or at least a boss who doesn’t mind if the desk gets really sticky. Today we’re going to dive into what appears to be an endlessly deep ocean of hardcore pornography of all varieties. Meta Porn is an old site, having managed to stick around in some form or another since 2000, and they’re still getting a few million views a month. Not bad for a porn site with absolutely no content of its own.

This Is Another Tube Site, Right?

At first glance, MetaPorn.com looks like any other tube site on the Internet. Actually, it looks like one of the better ones. The layout is clean as hell, white on black, with row after row of dirty sex pics. Load up the page and you’re instantly greeted by red-headed teens sucking cock, saggy tits orgies, and close-ups of wet pussies being fingered over the edge.

Spoiler alert: it’s not actually a tube site. MetaPorn will lead you to the harem clips, the 3D sex movies, and the repairman-themed hardcore scenes, but doesn’t actually host any of the material themselves. You’ll be stroking your meat to sites like xHamster, Tube8, xHamster, YouPorn, xHamster, xVideos, and xHamster. I also noticed a few hosted on xHamster.

In other words, MetaPorn is just a big ol’ search engine for porno. Think of it like Google for fuck flicks, only with a more interesting layout.

You know how to use Google, right? You enter what you want to see in the search bar and boom! It’s off to the races, assuming that’s what you call your masturbation sessions.

The thing about Google is that it’s got the whole damn Internet on it. Yeah, if you spend some time with it, they’ll help you find the best smut you’ve ever seen in your life. It’s mixed in with all the boring shit, though, which makes it more work for the horny pervert in a hurry.

Try typing “Lesbians” into Google. Now, when I think lesbians, I think blondes eating cunt and brunettes nailing each other with strap-ons while another girl with a bunch of tattoos watches on and masturbates. That ain’t what Google’s thinking about, though. Nah, their top hit is some intellectual Wikipedia bullshit about sexual identity and sexual behavior and other phrases that include sex but aren’t sexy. Their results only seem to get worse from there.

Now type “Lesbians” into MetaPorn’s search bar. You get nearly 154k results, and not a single one is a women’s studies thesis on gender equality and heteronormative microaggression in the workplace. Video titles like Hot Lesbian Threesome, Sexy Lesbians Fuck, Ebony Lesbians Masturbate, and Kinky Lesbian Fun tell me all I need to know about the disproportionate media representation of female homosexuals who conform to a male-defined societal standard of beauty. (Nobody wants to beat off to ugly dykes pulling pubes from their snaggle teeth!)

Like Google, you can narrow it down by adding more keywords. In a few seconds, I found 3,500 videos of Ebony Lesbians, but only 328 Ebony Lesbian Threesomes. I think if I call my Viagra dude now, I might be able to make a dent in ‘em.

An Interesting Collection of Nasty Smut

Every pic on the front page is labeled with a category, which should have been your first clue MetaPorn ain’t just another tube. That’s just not how they generally do it. Click on 4K Porn Videos, Bouncing Tits Porn Videos, or Creamy Pussy Porn Videos and get transported to MetaPorn’s stash of your favorite type of smut.

You know something? The categories they’ve got listed on the front page are kind of weird. I don’t mean hentai-level weird, with whole sub-genres full of tentacle demons fucking dog women who also have inverted pussies growing out of their dick-nipples. It’s weird in the sense that porn staples like Blowjobs and Threesomes aren’t front-page thumbnailed categories, but Puffy Nipples Porn Videos and Foreskin Porn Videos are.

On the front page, they’ve got big entrances to the Lesbian Asslick Porn section and the Trailer Park Porn aisle. You can jump straight to the Bodystocking Porn area or click on the flat chick to see MetaPorn’s stash of Titless Porn videos. There’s a buff chick with a vibrator for the Female Bodybuilder Porn, and I think that’s a guy eating an egg and getting kicked in the balls over at Leotard Porn. There’s something for, uh, everyone? Maybe?

There’s a longer, text-based list at the bottom, but the Show Most Viewed link goes straight back to the top. I guess the kind of people who jack off to MetaPorn are more into Pussy Farts than Amateurs. It’s worth noting that there are nearly a million amateur clips indexed in their search engine, but only a few dozen of those queefing scenes. I guess the moral of the story is that the porn industry isn’t giving people what they want, which is more cunts that make the same sound as a gas-filled butthole.

Honestly, I’m not sure I believe that. If they’ve really got the Most Viewed shit at the top, Calendar Porn is more popular than Big Tits Anal Sex. Really? That’s even weirder than the idea of a Calendar Porn category in the first place. I get papercuts on my cock every single time I try. I’ll take a frothy brown ring of santorum over that any day of the week if there are big tits involved.

Maybe the weird genres on the front page are a result of MetaPorn’s tagging system, which is pretty fucking deep. A lot of tube sites will show you a few tags for each vid on the search page, but MetaPorn serves up a whole damn paragraph of sex words for every search result. Hey, this Honeymoon Porn video also features Anal, Blowjob, Cumshots, Creampies, and a dozen other of your favorite things.

Exotic Beauties Fucked by Their Teachers

I like to consider myself a pretty worldly, traveled Porn Dude, at least in the sense that I beat off to nasty clips from all over this filthy globe. Looking at the front page, I noticed they’ve got an Indonesian Porn Videos section. It’s not something you see every day, and the thumbnail seemed pretty fucking inviting.

The thumbnails don’t move when you hover your mouse over them, so I didn’t know much going in. I just knew that among the stash of Indonesian vids, there was one with a exotic little slut stripped naked, blindfolded, and fucked with a dildo in a video store. I clicked one of her nipple clamps.

MetaPorn only has 133 clips listed under Best Indonesian Porn Videos, which is pretty paltry compared to the 67k filed under Mom Porn Videos. I hoped they could make up for the lack of quantity with some really good quality. My cock started dripping as soon as the thumbnails popped up on the screen.

There’s unfortunately no way to sort the videos that come up for each category. I assume the ones at the top are the newest, but it would be nice to skip to the best, longest, or most popular. In this case, I lucked out and saw Tia Tanaka with a big cock in her beautiful face at the top of the screen. The link took me to PornHub, where I came several times.

My ad-blocker says it only blocked one pop-up during my visit to MetaPorn, which isn’t bad at all. You’ll have to be careful, though, because you never know where their links are going to send you. There are other porn sites out there with much more aggressive types of spam, just waiting for your click.

The biggest downside to MetaPorn has got to be the fact that you can’t filter or sort your search results. That’s some basic search engine shit right there, something baked into almost every site. I just don’t understand how it could be left out.

Other than that, MetaPorn is a pretty fucking decent porno search engine. There’s a ton of material indexed, so it will save you time, especially if you’re looking for something specific. MetaPorn looks good, works well, and doesn’t cost you a damn cent to get off.