AlohaTube 3D

The sexually impossible used to only exist in our minds. If you wanted to watch a demon fuck a lawn gnome with a pinwheel, you had to close your eyes and imagine it. Fortunately, those days are over, and now we have the technology to make our most depraved fantasies come to life in 4K Ultra HD.

From Mind to Hard Drive

Computer graphics bring the mind's eye to the big screen. Anything you can picture happening in your head can be made to occur on your computer screen. The only question is if you have the skill to create it, the patience to find it, or the money to commission it.

The fastest way to your goal is to commission an artist. None of my readers are intelligent enough to figure out Microsoft Paint, let alone Adobe Character Animator. However, the easiest way is to hunt, pending you know the right places to do it.

No matter how niche your request is, someone else has already thought of it, drawn it, and jerked off to it. You need a site with a massive selection to increase the statistical probability that you'll find a video of the Mister Roger's puppets getting a train run on them by dollar store brand GI Joe figurines.

As you have probably already guessed, I have just the site for you. It's packed with more porn than even I could ever hope to watch in one lifetime, and it's called Alohatube.

Alohatube has been around for a long time, and it shows. They have developed a site I visit every week, not only because of its design but because of how much porn is on it. Most porn websites would kick a puppy to have as many videos as these guys. If you run out of shit to watch on Aloha Tube, The Porn Dude says you have a serious masturbation problem. When I'm saying that, you should take note.

Absurd Amounts of Porn

On the day I wrote this review, three thousand videos were added, and it was only mid-day. That week it had added thirty-four thousand videos. Most porn sites don’t even have thirty-four thousand videos total, let alone add that many in a fucking week. That's why I say you have a problem if that's not enough.

In total, there are almost fifteen million videos on Alohatube. I believe the technical term for that amount of porn is a "metric fuck-shit ton." I would need a time machine and the portal gun from Rick and Morty. Me and my closest billion alternate dimension Porndudes would have to expend exorbitant amounts of money, energy, and portal gun replacement parts to get the job done.

Of those fifteen million videos, over fifty thousand of them are animated. Once again, most dedicated animated sites don’t even have that much content. Despite its massive archive, the site is kept as simple as it can be. There is barely even a main menu. Its only options are Top rated movies and New movies.

To make navigation easier, the bottom of the site features an absurdly large category list. I guess that there are around five to six hundred categories. As you can imagine, shit gets really specific.

When you find an alluring video, give it a click. Depending on the clip, Alohatube will either host the video itself or link you to the site of origin.

Keep an eye out for watermarks. If you see one, you'll probably be taken to the site of origin. There is no way Alohatube could host all of these videos, so linking helps them maintain numbers without hiring a thousand people.

Quintessential Harley Quinn

Enough talking about how much content there is. Let's watch some, starting with "Hardcore Dick Girl Bangs Hard a Sexy Harley Quinn in the Basement." Harley Quinn is one of the most popular characters in animated porn. I've seen so many different versions of her pussy get smashed that I don't even think I want to fuck her anymore. (Just kidding)

In this clip, Harley Quinn gets her ass branded with what is either an "XXX" or a "KKK." As much as I want it to be "XXX," it looks a whole lot like "KKK." Harley Quinn is many things, but she never struck me as racist. She's an equal opportunity agent of chaos.

Either way, she is getting her asshole pried open by a leather-clad dominatrix bitch with a two-foot cock. Something tells me this wasn't the way Harley saw her day going.

Maybe Harley Quinn is a little too dark and gothic for you. You like to keep things light and fun. Perhaps you would prefer "3D Snow White getting Gang Banged by the Dwarves." You don't get much more wholesome than the dwarves.

That is until three of the dwarves make Snow White watertight. She has dwarf cock in all three of her holes and loves it. The prince didn't have to kiss Snow White while she was sleeping. Snow White will gladly suck his dick while she's awake.

Despite the dwarf's small stature, they still had impressive members. A considerable portion of their blood supply must be required to get them hard. I'm surprised they don't pass out. Dwarf anatomy must have an evolutionary solution.

The Big O

I have a question for all of my animated porn fans out there. What's up with the ogres? Every fucking animated porn site is laden with ogres. Is it because they are big and strong in a way you never will be? Is it the giant ogre cocks? Is it the overpowered princess pussy?

Whatever it is, you guys probably need therapy. In the meantime, though, you can watch ogre porn on Alohatube. There is no lack of it. I just watched "3D Teen Gang Banged by Evil Ogres in hopes of finding answers, but none came.

While we're on the subject, you do realize that chicks with dicks exist in real life, right? Cause you're all animating them with such fervor, I assume you had no idea. So let me be the first to drop a hot truth bomb on you. Chicks with dicks exist; you can look at one anytime. There's no need to draw that shit.

However, if you want to see a wolf fucking a bitch in the wild, you'll probably have to animate it. To be fair, over the course of human history, I'm sure a few bitches have been fucked by a wolf in the wild, but I doubt it was documented.

Could you find a video of a wolf fucking a bitch in some red necks basement? Almost certainly, but that's a mixture of illegal and creepy. The best thing for you to do is hit Alohatube and watch "Amateur Close-Up Hand Job with Cum Shot." I assume the author wanted to pull an old movie title bait and switch and force people to watch wolf fucking.

Bigger is Better

Another common theme for the past couple of years or so is Lady Dimitrescu from The Resident Evil video game franchise. I can understand why. Lady Dimitrescu is a nine-and-a-half-foot tall demon woman with tits the size of a bathysphere and a pussy that could swallow half your torso. For many of you, she's a dream come true.

I'd kick myself if I got through this whole article without mentioning centaurs. They are the ideal way to be penetrated by a horse cock without feeling too weird about it.

How are centaurs made in the first place? Do I even want to know? Does every centaur have a giant cock? Are you jerking off right now?

Personally, if I'm going to watch a woman being fucked by cryptid creatures, I prefer aliens. They have spaceships, can abduct bitches, are familiar with cow anatomy, and have a wide range of probes on hand.

Plus, who knows what their genitalia will look like. I can't pay attention whenever someone tries to show me a Star Wars movie or Star Trek TV show. All I can think about is what alien pussy looks like. I'm willing to volunteer for abduction if I catch a blow job in the process.

Alohatube has a library of porn that could make a masturbation addict cry tears of joy. If you love fucked up animated porn, you'll never run out of it again. Welcome to paradise, gents

The only thing Alohatube is missing is filters. There is so much content that the place could use alternative ways to browse clips.

Cinderella is waiting for you while stroking her ten-foot dick, so don't make her wait any longer.