HotMovies Facials

If you guys are regular readers, then you know how much I love HotMovies. The pay-by-the-minute model is perfect for my readers who want access to premium paid porn but don't want to pay monthly subscription rates.

Pay to Play with Yourself

I understand why some people wouldn't. When you pay a monthly subscription, you're investing in a whole lot of porn you won't watch. I don't think there is a single porn site where I want to watch every title. If there was, I would have found it by now.

In this shitty economy, no one wants to pay for shit they won't use, and on Hot Movies, you never will. Plus, the by-the-minute pricing is more than reasonable.

They offer twenty free minutes to new users pending you provide credit card verification. While there is no charge for the twenty minutes, the sample comes with a "top-up feature."

"Feature" is a strong word here. What they mean to say is that if you don't cancel your card in twenty-four hours, they will add two hundred minutes to the account for twenty bucks. It's a bit fucked up, but that's a standard practice amongst porn sites. So just remember to cancel before you take a post-nut nap.

Minute bundles start at $9.95 and go up. You will receive forty bonus minutes if you purchase at least one hundred and fifty minutes. If you're gonna buy the ticket, you might as well take the ride.

If you fall head over heels for Hot Movies, you can purchase unlimited access for only $24.95. That means you'll have forty-three thousand titles at the tip of your fingers. Despite the massive size of their library, Hot Movies is still adding twenty-plus videos a day. That's fucking wild.

If I Can't Cream in You, I'll Cream on You

Today I'm reviewing the facial section of Hot Movies. The face is my favorite non-orifice to bust a nut on. Seeing the shock on a bitches face as my load crashes on her face like ocean waves against a rocky shore never gets old.

I haven't had it measured, but my jizz fires out at sixty-five miles an hour, minimum. If you blink, you'll miss it. I can kill a songbird from twenty-five yards out. I can open doors, break glass, and even spackle a second-floor ceiling from the basement.

It's both a blessing and a curse. I've removed a bitches tonsils by cumming in her mouth before. I actually thought about becoming a dentist for a while. My cum can chop up and pull a wisdom tooth out in half the time a dentist can.

I feel bad for my readers. No matter how blue your balls are, your cum only manages to dribble out. It looks like someone squeezing the last bit of toothpaste out of a travel-sized tube. You'll never impress a woman with that kind of volume.

Needless to say, the gentlemen featured in the facial section of Hot Movies don't struggle with your problem. While they don't launch nuts quite as powerful as mine, they come close. If you like to see bitches be doused in cum like they sucked off a firehose, this is where you want to be.

Dry Dick. Wet Face

Let's get right to the action and check out some of the content on Hot Movies, starting with "The Evil Empire - Jonni Darko - Suck it Dry 4" This feature is about "the blow job, the whole blow job, and nothing but the blow job." "Suck it Dry" is Jonni Darkko's all-oral series, and he did not skimp. Jonni found the sexiest and most skilled cock suckers this planet has to offer.

"Suck it Dry 4" is over three hours long and features more blow jobs than you can shake a dick at. Some of your favorite bitches are here, including Maya Hills, Rebeca Linares, Havana Ginger, Tia Tanaka, Bobbi Bliss, Bobbi Starr, and Brianna Love.

I'm no mathematician, but I estimate several gallons of cum get dumped on these bitches over three hours. It's enough to repopulate the planet after an apocalypse.

Up next is another three-hour saga, this time brought to you by Brandon Iron, titled "Pop Tarts." Wait until you hear this number: "Pop Tarts" features two hundred and sixty-eight "frosty" facials. That's a fuck ton of cum.

This cum shot compilation was pieced together from the Bakers Dozen series. They chopped out all the bull leaving only the best cum shots Baker's Dozen has ever filmed. These bitches are the definition of cum buckets. Collections like this don't come around often.

A Personal Favorite

It would be a sin if I skipped past 2009 Adult Video News best director non-feature and best gonzo release nominee "Jules Jordon Video - Chris Streams Production - Oil Overload." Oil porn is one of my favorite genres. I love when bitches are all shiny. It shows off their curves in the perfect manner.

This film stars such slutty vixens as Britney, Gianna, Gina Lynn, and Teagan. To describe these bitches as cum hungry would be a serious understatement. I'm not sure these sluts eat food anymore. I think they're on an all-cum diet. For those wondering, the average load contains between five and twenty-five calories. That means a bitch needs to suck off between eighty and four hundred cocks a day in order to survive.

Greasing Teen Cheeks

That brings me to Digital Sin's "Fresh Outta High School #9." Everyone love jerking off to teens, and Digital Sins consistently finds the sexiest recent graduates in the country.

These sluts have decided to skip college and go right to fucking and sucking cock. At least they know what they're good at because I'm pretty sure whores don't have any other skills to speak of.

These bitches suck and fuck like their careers depend on it, and when it comes time to take a load, you know where it goes. Right onto their young, innocent faces.

This feature stars some of the sexiest 18+ teens in the game at the time, including Morgan Layne, Nichole, Scarlette Fay, and Shawna Lee. Is it just me, or is every porn actress named Fay or Faye sexy as fuck?

Sticky Stars

While young untrained 18+ porn whores are fun to watch, we can't forget about the importance of porn stars. Their skills keep the porn world spinning and my balls empty. Elegant Angel gives them a wonderful home in "Massive Facials."

The feature stars Jenna Haze and is directed by award winner Sam No. His last name might be No, but bitches never say no to him.

Jenna Haze isn't the only recognizable bitch in "Massive Facials." It also stars the likes of Sasha Grey, Rebeca Linares, Dakoda Brooks, Courtney James, and Bobbie Starr.

You've never seen such masterful cock sucking as is displayed here. These bitches are at the top of their game. Steve No seems to bring that out of bitches. He has the magic touch.

You Wish

The skills that street-savvy pick-up artist Chameleon shows in Red Light District's "Michael Stefano's Twisted Vision Vol 7" will make my readers jealous as fuck.

Chameleon can con any woman, no matter how hot, into having sex with him whenever he wants. As I'm sure you know, it's a talent I'm very familiar with. I can barely go out to pick up my mail without being fucked by fifteen college students.

Not only does he get these bitches to fuck him, but he gets them to fuck the shit out of him. These pussies are getting crushed one by one. While they got conned, the sluts seemed to love the shit out of Chameleon's cock. I'm not sure who is getting the better deal.

"Twisted Vision" is shot from the viewer's point of view, so you can put yourself in the driver's seat as Chameleon covers these bitches in his hot cum.

I better touch base with one more award nominee before I make my exit. "Black Gag" was nominated in 2007 for the best oral-themed release. It features ten different girls in ten different scenes, all getting their mouths torn apart by gigantic black cock.

I was worried some of these white mouths might be torn in half. No matter how massive the dong is, the stars of "Black Gag" find a way to get the job done. I hope they had the next day off from work to rest and recover.

A sluts face is one of the most enjoyable places to sling rope. I know you guys will never have the opportunity to cum on a dumb whores cheeks, so feel free to watch it happen on Hot Movies.

There isn't much wrong with hot movies, but it would be cool if they had an award nominee filter. That way, users could know when they are watching award-quality porn.

You're more likely to have your face nutted on than to nut on a bitches face, so try to forget that fact while watching facials on Hot Movies.