Hide.me

Hide Me! That’s a phrase I’ve used a few times after getting chased out of the local coffee shop by the police. Interestingly, I’ve also used the same phrase while getting some work done in that very same coffee shop. Maybe you’ve been in a similar situation: you’re trying to watch an anal sex orgy on the Internet, but your traffic is being monitored and blocked by the baristas, the boss, the government or your mom. (I’m telling you, dude, it’s time to move out!)

Hide.Me claims to be the World’s Fastest VPN. If you’ve ever tried to get around firewalls and content-blocking software using those free proxy sites, you already know damn well how important speed is. If you’re lucky, those free services may be able to pull up a few dirty images after an hour of waiting, but video is out of the fucking question. If Hide.Me ain’t bullshitting; their service will help you view blocked sites, give you a bonus layer of security and privacy, plus the freedom and other perks you expect from a good VPN. Let’s see how well these dudes deliver.

How a VPN Helps You Masturbate

Before I go any further, I want to mention the name. Usually, if you ain’t on a dot-com, dot-net or dot-org, you sound like a second-rate operation who couldn’t afford a decent domain. Hide.Me is clever as hell, though, making one of the best uses of Montenegro’s top-level domain I’ve ever seen. I’m obviously not the only one who sees the appeal, because their website gets around 23,000 visitors every fucking day.

If you’re just hearing about this service, you may not yet understand what a Virtual Private Network (VPN) is all about or how it works. In simple terms, they send all your Internet traffic through an encrypted tunnel that gives you extra privacy, security and freedom. There are other perks, too, which I’ll get to shortly.

Most Internet traffic is heavily monitored. Why do you think all the ads you see seem to be targeted directly at you? Your ISP gives you a unique IP address, which websites and apps use to track everything you do. Your ISP themselves may also be tracking you and selling your interests and information to the highest bidder.

With your traffic flowing through Hide.Me’s VPN, websites only see the service’s IP address, so they can’t track you. Neither can your ISP, which means they can’t tell the advertising companies how much you love silicone buttholes, boner pills and rimming videos.

Since your IP can’t track you, it also means they won’t throttle you for viewing shit they don’t like. Most Internet users don’t even realize their ISP is slowing them down for watching too many streaming videos or using torrent software, but it happens all the time. Hide.Me can help you get what you’re paying Comcast all that money for.

Nobody can track you, and Hide Me ain’t going to either. In fact, they have a strict policy of not keeping logs. If you’re the kind of person who worries about leaving a paper trail, whether it’s because you’re masturbating to golden showers cosplay or stealing trade secrets, these fuckers can help you keep your tracks clean.

Security and Freedom for a Few Bucks a Month

Their service works through lightweight apps and browser plugins they supply you with, and is compatible with all major platforms. There are downloads available for Windows, Mac, iOS, Android and Linux. Shit, they’ve even got you covered if you’re using some off-brand shit like Amazon Fire OS. They also have a VPN router, though it’ll cost you $379.

Honestly, most casual masturbators or general Internet users aren’t going to need the VPN router. It’s overkill with a high out-the-door cost when most of you just need the basic plan. If you’re paying by the month, it’s 13 bones a pop. There’s a 30-day money-back guarantee, so I recommend trying out the service and springing for a longer membership if you like it. The yearly rate breaks down to $8.32, and they’ve got a two-year plan that breaks down to a fiver and comes with a couple of bonus months.

Unblock Content Around the World

The kind of security you get from a VPN is useful to anybody who ever has to use a public WiFi network. Even if you’re not going to be beating off at Starbucks, a few bucks a month will protect you from malicious hackers in addition to the “innocent” spying of companies like Google and Facebook. Of course, I probably wouldn’t be talking about Hide.Me here if it was just a security app. Oh, no, you can also use this for masturbatory purposes.

Hide Me will help you view all kinds of blocked content. I opened this review with the coffee shop example. If you’re on a public WiFi network that blocks content, this VPN will help you access it. It can do the same thing if they’re restricting your access to lesbian fisting movies at the office, or if you’re still jacking off in mom’s basement and she’s got a content blocker.

Their VPN can even help you get through government firewalls. I like to talk about using these things for such noble purposes as beating off to felching movies on company time, but it can also help with serious life-or-death shit.

Hide Me has 1800 servers in 72 locations throughout the world. Their network is optimized for speed, meaning you’ll automatically connect to the fastest VPN server near you. However, many people use a VPN to pretend they’re browsing the Internet from somewhere else. There are totally valid porn and non-porn reasons for it.

Let’s go back to content unblocking for a second. You think I’m talking about porno and government secrets, which I am, but you can also unblock content on sites like Netflix and Amazon. Because of licensing issues, lots of shows and movies are only available in certain countries. Likewise, fans of JAV (Japanese Adult Video) will be able to access Japan-only porn by pretending to browse from Japan.

You can also use Hide Me to score discounts via the magic of International pricing. Some of you nerdier fuckers will recall the recent controversy about people saving money on Steam by purchasing games from another country. Have you ever considered signing up for a premium porn site while browsing from a third-world country?

And They’ve Got a Free Version, Too

One of the things that’s really going to appeal to you cheapskates is that Hide.Me offers a totally free VPN plan. I see the 30-day guarantee pretty regularly, but fully free VPNs ain’t nearly as common. You have to renew it periodically with a couple of minutes of wait time, but that shouldn’t be any skin off your nutsack. Of course, it’s meant to get you all warmed up and ready to buy the premium version, so it does have its limits.

You can move an unlimited amount of data on the premium plan, but free users only get 10 gigs per month. Depending on how many 4K teen blowjobs you watch, that may be all you need. The premium plan lets you connect 10 devices simultaneously, while the free plan only gives you one. Again, this may be enough for the casual masturbator.

A bigger limitation is the number of locations you have access to as a free user. As mentioned, Hide Me’s got a couple of thousand servers in 72 locations. Free users only have access to 5 of them. In addition, free users lose out on dynamic port forwarding and fixed IP addresses. With all these limitations, you may not necessarily get the full benefits of everything I’ve already described here, but it doesn’t hurt to try.

I always tell people to take advantage of any VPN’s trial period, but Hide.Me’s free plan provides an even easier way to see what they have to offer without having to risk any of your precious, hard-earned money. You could even do the free plan then try a risk-free month of their premium one. Given their overall satisfaction rate with their VPN, I doubt you’ll be disappointed.