FimFiction

Somebody sent me a link to Fim Fiction this morning, and I’ll be honest, I was pretty fucking confused at first. The headline at the very top of the page warned of The Expansive Dangers of Dodgy Potion Sellers, so for a second, I thought there’d been a recall of the sketchy boner pills I recently ordered from China. I scrolled down a bit and saw the posts weren’t limited to warnings about the village apothecary. There were stories of princess wrestling, dragon weight gain, as well as anthropomorphic unicorns making sweet, sweet love. In other words, it was a lot like peeking into that secret notebook where you write out all your weirdest, dirtiest fantasies. I bet you thought I didn’t know about that, huh?

Well, FimFiction.net isn’t a secret notebook full of perverted My Little Pony fantasies. It’s a wildly popular free website full of perverted My Little Pony fantasies. They get nearly 10 million visitors a month, so maybe friendship really is magic, or maybe people just really love cranking it to tales of odd-toed ungulates with human personalities. The site’s been around since 2011 and it’s still going strong, so maybe we were wrong to laugh at all those awkward brony convention videos. (Actually, no. We probably weren’t.)

Hey! You Got Porn in My MLP!

Before I go any further, I guess I should point out that not all the visitors of FimFiction are a bunch of horsefuckers. While a great many of them are sexual deviates, others among them are just regular deviates who love these talking ponies in a wholesome, platonic way. The site calls itself “the largest collection of MLP fanfics around,” a designation not limited to porn stories.

Of course, you know I only report on the NSFW stuff here at ThePornDude, and I know that’s all you want to hear about. It’s just too hard to jack off to stories without sex. If you use their search engine to look for the #sex tag, you get back a little more than 7500 stories with a bit of hanky panky. The definition on the site says, “Stories that feature sexual content, whether implicit or explicit in nature.”

The brief moments of #sex might be enough for you if you’re mainly here for the fun adventures, romance and friendship. What if you want something a little harder? That, my freaky friends, is what the #porn tag is for. You can type it in their box or just use my link to get straight to the good stuff. It’s a considerably slimmer collection than #sex at just 43 right now, but honestly? That’s way more pony erotica than I knew about yesterday.

FimFiction describes their #porn section as “Stories primarily written to titillate the reader.” I really wish the #sex tag was more narrowly defined, because including implicit sex really muddies the hell out of the waters. I’d imagine the library has at least hundreds of stories with actual sex in them, but they’re going to be hard to find if they’re not filed under #porn. I think they’ve got it set up this way, so they don’t offend the sensibilities of prudes who want to read horse romance but who shudder at the thought of the horses having functional genitalia.

Horsefucking? We’re Just Getting Started!

FimFiction.net has also got a rich #fetish tag, with nearly as many entries as #porn and a ton of overlap. Who would have guessed that people who jerk off to stories about cartoon pony sex have other kinks too? In fact, they’ve got a lot of other kinks besides horsefucking.

Just like the #sex tag, the #fetish tag is overused, so you’ll want to stay in the #porn area. I saw one story where a guy apologized for the #fetish tag, applied by mod request, and insisted there was nothing of a sexual nature in his tale. There they go muddying the fucking waters again.

So, I stayed in FimFiction.net’s #porn area, where I got to see the more explicit fetish stuff. The most recently approved story, The Expansive Dangers of Dodgy Potion Sellers, indulges kinks of fat, weight gain and immobility. So far, it’s got 10 likes, which is more than the author’s previous story about ponies getting really fat.

I noticed a burping theme in several stories I skimmed through, so you’re going to be raging fucking hard if you’ve ever fantasized about a horse orally releasing the gas inside its guts. There’s also some fart fetish pony porn if you’d prefer the fragrant aroma of gas coming out of the little pony’s other end. Yet another story offered a take on the wet and messy mud fetish, which really makes a lot of sense for horses.

I always seek out the weirdest fucking shit I can find on a site like FimFiction.net, and my favorite one here is a crossover between My Little Pony and Fallout. I don’t want to spoil anything for you, but the fetish here is inflation. There’s even an illustration of Little Pip all swollen the fuck up and fat, but looking happy.

There Sure Are a Lot of Bronies

As I was typing this, MS Word underlined the word “horsefucker” in blue. When I hovered my mouse over it, the software warned me the language might be offensive to my readers. I’d never seen this message before. As an experiment, I typed a long string of all the vilest profanities and slurs I could think of. None of them earned me the same smack on the wrist. They’re coming to the defense of bronies and only bronies.

What does that mean? I think it means there’s a brony on the MS Word team, engraving the edicts of his ponyfucking club into the software used by millions of motherfuckers who don’t have a clue. I’m consistently surprised not just by how many adult MLP fans there, but how they really seem to have some unifying solidarity as a community. Is it because they’ve taken “Friendship is Magic” to heart, or is it because they’re a gang of socially awkward dweebs who have no other place?

Whatever the actual case may be, there’s no doubt that FimFiction.net has a very strong and active user community. If you’re looking for somebody to talk pony stuff with, this is the joint. Honestly, it seems like the kind of place that would run a pervert like me out, because they draw some hard lines about what counts as sex, fetishes and even porn. I saw one story in the Porn section that had comments asking why it was there when it was rated E for Everyone.

I guess it’s easy for me to complain about because ThePornDude is intended for adults only. FimFiction is trying to be an all-inclusive, which is kind of at odds with hosting pornographic stories about equine non-consensual sex. I reviewed Derpibooru a while back, and they had a very similar problem.

How do you walk that line between family-friendly and horsefucker approved? It seems weird to even try, but what does “weird” even mean when we’re talking about grown-ass men writing sex stories based on a cartoon intended to sell horse dolls to youngsters? Is it weird that after reading FimFiction, I went to the toy store, bought a plush Rainbow Dash and installed a Fleshlight beneath her tail? Perhaps it’s a question for the ages, or maybe it’s a question for the comment sections of FimFiction.

The brony phenomenon is fascinating. From an outsider’s perspective, it just seems like a bunch of seriously embarrassing bullshit for virgins and neckbeards. Step into a place like FimFiction.net, though, and you’ll see how that bullshit has inspired actual works of art. I may not be the most highbrow motherfucker, but it’s hard not to have at least a little appreciation for the work put into this.

It’s obviously a pretty deep niche site, so not everyone is going to be able to get their rocks off to the stories in FimFiction.net’s growing archive of homebrew MLP fan fiction. If you’re that kind of pervert, though, where else are you going to go?