Don't you just love Saturday nights at the pub? You're finally well-rested after a long week, and you decide to drink a pint of beer and watch the football game with some random sweaty strangers who probably yell loudly and make you regret ever coming to the pub. Sounds familiar? Well, if you somehow end up in a pub with Lucy, she'll show you what the United in her name stands for. Those obnoxiously sweaty guys at the pub? They don't even come close to how obnoxious Lucy United can be, especially if Liverpool is involved. Listening to her ramble about how much she hates Liverpool FC is downright psychotic, but that's literally all she does. Heck, she's built a whole career around it. That, and writing "Ronaldo" across her massive chest - I mean titties, because let's be honest, there are only a few things men love in life: beer, women, and soccer, and Lucy here, she embodies all of them. Naturally, I found her through Telescope. Her entire goddamn feed involves her praising Manchester United with either her tits out or her ass in red panties. And men are eating this shit up.
Take the average Arthur, for example. He's probably formally dressed in a white shirt, black pants, and scumming back from his soul-sucking job, his armpit sweating, and his white shirt has a pool of sweat dripping down on the floor. Not because he's tired, it's because he's losing everything he owns at the casino downtown. But that's not really the reason he's sweating. The real reason he's sweating is that he's been looking at Lucy's Telegram profile, and he has no idea what to say. The average Arthur? That was me 10 minutes ago. However, I remembered that she hates Liverpool, so I decided to make a deal with her. I sent her a message that says, "Hey, if Liverpool wins against Fulham, you have to take off that Manchester United jersey and send me a picture without it." Now, I'll be honest, I don't follow sports or give a shit about Liverpool at all. Do you know how I spend the "game night" time? I sit at home alone and drink myself to sleep. I don't have the time to watch grown men chase a ball around the court; like, who even came up with this shit?
Begging For The Ball
I might go to the next Manchester United game, not to see Ronaldo, just to see Lucy with half her tits out, because apparently, she likes writing player names across her chest and pushing sweaty men off the stadium. Yeah, she's that insane. Oh, and by the way, she's taking her sweet, sweet time responding to me on Telegram. Now, imagine if I were Ronaldo and I DM'd her. Do you think I would wait this long? Hell no, she would've probably sent me the nudes for free and asked me to hook up with her. Instead, I'm the little old PornDude here, begging for a crumb of attention from a girl that's probably watching the Premier League instead of responding to Telegram DMs.
Oh, and if you think that's boring, wait until you've heard her response to my message. I'm not going to explain the details, but this girl won't shut up about football or soccer, whatever you Americans call it. She makes this entire Telegram interaction feel like an average Friday night out with the boys. And here is the thing: some of you suckers out there reading this would sacrifice your autographed jersey from Mbappe for this shit.
The Red Devil
Let's change the topic and talk about cosplays, because yes, Lucy does cosplays, and I bet you already know what her favorite cosplay is: a red devil. Wow. Couldn't be more cliché. But it's not just a red devil; she also cosplays as a referee. I do have to give it to her, though. She pulls them off amazingly. She looks damn fine in those cosplays. It's like the duality of her psyche here is borderline insane. One second, she's bro-ing out with you and mansplaining football teams, and the next, she's sucking your dick in her car and spitting your cum out the window. Yes, she has a video where she's pretending to do just that.
I'm telling you, she can craft the perfect thirst trap if she wants to. You want proof of that? Just wait for her to respond and ask her for some teases that will make your soccer balls drop. She's got plenty of them. But keep in mind, they're paid. You need some money. She's not giving this stuff away for free to anyone who just messages her on Telegram, unless you're Ronaldo. That much we already know. But what about the people who don't care about soccer? Well, what are you even doing here in the first place? Lucy's persona is so exaggerated and completely geared towards the soccer fans, to the point where the average Joe would have to talk about the weather with her.
And I know some of you want to take the piss and send her a type of message that says "Liverpool is the best. Manchester United is shit. Suck it." Well, guess what? Lucy will virtually kick your balls and yell "GOOOOL" if you ever try to do that. I mean, this bitch has blocked people who have ever said anything rude or wrong about her favorite soccer team. It's like calling someone's baby "pet sperm." You just know that after those words come out of your mouth, you'll get your teeth knocked in. But hey, let's shift the focus back to Lucy. Even if she's brawling with you, she still manages to respond and hold a full conversation with you. She's not the type of girl to ghost a horny guy, even if he's not a football fan, which wins her major participation points in my book.
Titty Bundles And Bubble Baths
I know most of you out there want full sex tapes from Lucy and downright pornographic stuff. Because let's face it, you're reading a review on ThePornDude Blog. Everything here is extremely sexualized. But I have to remind you, Lucy is not a porn star. She might be posting thirst traps, but she's never filmed porn shoots in her life. And you have to respect that. Look, she's fine with dirty talk, a little bit of teasing and flirting, especially if you use soccer puns. She's all about being playful with the guys and the girls, too. What I'm trying to point out here is that she probably won't do a custom video for you. No licking her toes or licking her butt plug type stuff, okay? She might send you pictures of her ass or tits if she's feeling generous and you've praised Manchester United enough.
They'll cost some Telegram stars, but we've got that covered already, right? We discussed it. You probably stocked up on the coins. She can be naughty if you want her to be, but only on her terms and only if you're requesting something that she has already recorded. Maybe you want to see the full referee cosplay photoshoot that she has done. She's more than willing to hook you up with that. There are some titty teases in there, too. Don't worry about it. From what I can tell, she also has a bubble bath photoshoot where she soaps those titties real good and hides the nipples with soap bubbles. She can definitely turn you on and keep you that way for good. That's enough of me talking about Lucy.
I've had my fun with her. We discussed soccer. We discussed titties and pictures she's willing to sell, and I've laid it all out for you perfectly. So now all you have to do is open up the Telescope app, search for Lucy United, and have some fun. What else are you going to do? Goon to her Instagram account? Don't be a weirdo, come say hi!
