Want Lana Rhoades in your pocket? And I don’t mean her fleshlight or Pornhub profile. I mean THE Lana Rhoades. In YOUR pocket. Texting YOU. Yep… thanks to Telescope, you can now have her direct contact info on Telegram and chat with her whenever you feel like it. I can’t promise she’ll reply or stay consistent, but at least you can flex to your buddies that you are texting the ultimate baddie. I digress. I have so many things I want to say to Lana… I’ll probably begin by introducing myself, then I’ll try to figure out if I can star as a guest on that podcast she co-hosts. What was it called again? 3 Girls 1 Kitchen? God… that name sounds sexist as hell. But then again, I’d pay big money for Lana Rhoades to bless my kitchen with her beautiful heels.
Also, can we address the fact that Lana Rhoades disappeared from the porn industry and made some concerning claims? I get why she did it… The machine chewed her up and spit her out in 4K, and that’s not something everyone can handle. But then, she asked that all of her videos be deleted because she feared her future child would discover them. Alright… I get the logic there… protect the child… good. And now, I open Telescope, and there she is. So… Lana… why are you here? You can’t torch the library and then open a window so I can slide into your DMs. You can’t tell the world those scenes are a wound you want buried, then hand strangers a username like we’re going to talk about the weather. Lana. You do realize I’m only here because I want to tell you about the nuts I busted watching your clips, right? But I’ll try to act civilized.
A Quickie On Her Profile Card
Anyway, you open up Lana’s Telescope profile, and what do you see? Well, her tits pushed up in a bra in the profile pic, her 7.2K followers, the ability to message her, and the Lifetime VIP pass, which allows you to watch every single one of Lana Rhoades’ livestreams forever for free. And how much does this pass cost? 40,000 coins. And, uh, if you convert these Telescope coins to USD, that would be around $200. Sure… It’s Lana Rhoades. Her mere presence on this app justifies that price. But other than that, you get to look at her feed, which is mainly full of harmless selfies without anything suggestive whatsoever. This feed literally looks like a basic college girl’s Instagram page, and I just don’t buy it. Look, I’ll never be able to see Lana as basic. I’ve witnessed this chick do unspeakable things on camera, and I’m just not buying this whole Telegram act she’s putting on. Well, that’s her feed and basic profile overview in a nutshell. She doesn’t have any Moments or stories or whatever… so the only thing left is to message her and see where this goes.
Agh… FUCK! And now I’ve got cold feet! Like… This is THE Lana Rhoades. How the fuck do I even approach her? What do I text? A simple Hey? Or should I even mention her work to begin with? She has heard all that shit from every bozo on earth with a right hand and a Wi-Fi signal. Every lame pickup line is already dead in her inbox… Or at least I assume it is. Heck, the feed being basic makes this worse! If she was online being filthy, I could match filthy. I could be another horny customer in the comments and not care. Instead, it’s harmless selfies, college-girl Instagram energy, and a Message button that feels like walking into a quiet room with my whole porn history taped to my forehead. Plus, what if she shuts me down? I mean, my name is literally ThePornDude, and last time I heard, Lana doesn’t fuck with the porn industry anymore. She’ll probably think I’m here for an interview or something, and then she’ll avoid me. Leave me on read. Screenshot my message and post it on her Instagram feed with a caption about how desperate I am. Ugh, man… why am I doing this to myself?
Getting Over It By Getting Inside Of It
I got over my fear after a couple of hours. Yes, it took me hours! Shut up! Anyway, I texted her something sweet and simple. I basically said Hey, waddup, legend. I want in on 3 girls, 1 kitchen. And I shit you not, it took Lana a whole fucking hour to respond! I literally went shopping, waited in line, came back home, prepared food, and just as I was about to eat it… she DM’ed me back. I couldn’t believe my fucking eyes! I thought she was too busy to worry about a coomer like me, but hey… here we are. Anyway, I think she misunderstood me… she replied saying that she doesn’t have that SPECIFIC vid, and sent me a pic of her in a bikini, with, uh… short hair… then she dropped a whole ass bundle of her nude pics, asking me to pay 869 Telegram stars to unlock it, and, uh… the whole 3 girls 1 kitchen fiasco was forgotten. I’ll be honest, the pics Lana sent, they look… AI? Either that or they are heavily edited and filtered to oblivion.
And I’ve got an odd feeling this isn’t Lana Rhoades. Not the girl who used to look at a camera like she was about to rob it. Everything is going too smoothly, too perfect, too… product. I get that this is a funnel, but man… Shit needs to get a lil more personal than this. From what I know, Lana in real life appears a bit more like a baddie. She calls people out on their BS. She has that sharp, slightly mean, I will smell your weakness through the phone and tease you about it energy. She does not strike me as the type to miss a joke, miss a podcast name, then immediately pivot to pay stars, here’s my tits with a little bow on it. This Telegram Lana? She’s a bit too agreeable. Too soft. Too hehe about a man who just walked in with his entire porn history in his pocket. Maybe I’m hallucinating. Maybe I have created this entire image of Lana over the years because I spent way too much fucking time jacking off to her. Or… maybe… I’m right. The outcome is still the same, however. I waited, got a response, and a bunch of pics to get off to.
Didn’t Meet My Expectations
I’ll be fully honest though: I don’t need bundles and pics of Lana Rhoades. Bruh… half of her career is already on Pornhub! Unlocking these bundles will not show me anything I haven’t seen before. I wanted to get in here and have Lana herself pamper me with filthy nothings. But… It’s clear that she’s only here to sell me shit. This is a funnel through and through. And hey, I took the bait and saw this shit through to the end. And honestly… it was not a horrible experience. Just not one that I expected.
I’ve never really had a pleasant experience chatting with e-thots on Telegram anyway. And I get it! They are busy. They want to make money. They are not here to exchange opinions on Nietzsche. They are not here to sit in a chat and connect with me on a spiritual and emotional level. But I expected a bit more personality… y’know? Okay, I’ll stop being redundant. For what it is, Telescope’s Lana Rhoades is pushing what the fans are craving, and I have to give her points for that. I even dropped some Stars on the bundle pack, and it’s looking pretty damn delicious. Heck, you also have the ability to send Lana digital gifts and collectibles, and even call her if you wish. But after this, I’ll just end up muting her chat because I already know she’s going to be cold DM’ing me for the next couple of weeks.
