Today we're bringing out the big guns. I'm talking about the page 3 models. For the uncultured swine, page 3 is a British newspaper phenomenon. Wait, who am I kidding? Nobody reads newspapers anymore. We stick to YouTube and me, ThePornDude. I'm the newspaper for your horny news. Anyways, let's set the scene. It's 1995, you're walking down the street, and you stop at this random store in Britain, any store, and they sell newspapers, right? So you buy one of those suckers.
And then while you're waiting at the bus stop, you read it, as any normal person would. Well, any perverted person like me would just turn straight to page 3. Why? Because page 3 was a pervert's wet dream. On page 3, you had a topless female, a naked glamour model. This is how the poster girls were born. If you had one of these in the olden days, you would rip out the third page and duct tape it to a wall somewhere in your room. Now, why does this matter? Well, because today's vixen, Emilie Ray, used to be a page 3 model. Strong emphasis on used to. That doesn't mean her glamour persona died out.
Oh no, she has amplified it and enhanced it to fit today's social media standards. You know what the funny thing is? I've busted so many nuts to the mythical page 3 of the British newspapers, but I don't remember Emilie Ray from them. But then again, they featured a dozen slutty glamour models, so how could I remember her? Anyways, what matters now is that she's right in front of my screen. Easily accessible. She's no longer a page in a newspaper now, thanks to Telescope, you can message her, you can talk to her, and you can goon to her body. That perfectly tanned body and her fuckable lips are here to whisper sweet nothings only for you, and everyone else who decides to message her.
Time Has Frozen
Now, look, all of this sounds good on paper. Heck, it even looks as good on paper as the page 3 newspaper where Emilie was featured. But in practice, it's much sloppier than this. You see, I love Telescope from the bottom of my heart. They're like a horny sommelier that specializes in catering the hottest bitches out there straight to your monitor screen. But I ran into the same issue with Emilie as any other Telescope girl: they take too damn long to respond. My chances of purchasing a copy of The Sun that features Emilie Rae on the third page are way higher than getting a response from the girl herself. That piece of the Cumstain News article will be delivered more quickly to me than a response from Emilie Ray. I wish I were fucking with you on this one. I truly do. But it has been 35 minutes since I messaged Emilie, and I'm yet to see a response.
In the meantime, I literally found a page 3 news article that features Emilie. Not just one, but five of them. I treated this as an experiment. I asked Emilie to send me her best performing page 3 performance, just to see if I'll find it quicker using the power of the internet or the power of her blonde fuckable face. Needless to say, Google's search engine showed me more titty than she ever could or will. I hate how every review that I've done on Telescope has turned into waiting for a response with my dick in one hand, and furiously spamming the keyboard with the other. It shouldn't be like this. So, for the sake of this review, I'm going to wait until the response comes.
Words You Hear On A Sinking Ship
Look, I give up, okay? It has been god knows how long now, and this page 3 bombshell has yet to respond. I really thought we could go into this balls-to-the-wall style. You know, chat with her, flirt with her, get all the good stuff delivered in my inbox. Instead, I ended up using Google and busting a nut to her Twitter profile. The waiting time is just too brutal, man. It's too brutal. And fuck it. I am blaming Emilie for not responding on time. I'm an impatient fuck, sure, but you have to get things from my perspective, too. I spend my days on the internet scouring the best porn out there. And everything is easily accessible for me, with one click, instantly!
So when Telescope tells me to message these girls, or rather, that's the only option it gives me, it stresses me out. Like, seriously, I don't understand the whole game here. If I'm going to be messaging chicks like Emilie and waiting for nudes to drop, then why not just sell the nudes as bundle packs? Why do I have to text and wait like a loser? This whole process could've been made easier, even for impatient guys like me. Telescope already has the profile part down. And I know they're not directly related to any of the models that they feature; they are just slanging you their contact info. But still, Emilie could've played this game better. She could have added an automatic message that just sends me a nude pack or a bundle the second I message her. That way, if she's not responding, I can at least feast my eyes on something.
The way it's done now feels redundant instead of feeling innovative. The whole point of this review is for me to share my Telescope experience with Emilie. But... there is none. There is no response. There is no message back. All I have in front of me is my lonely message that I sent her and my dick twitching in frustration. I could talk about Emilie's personality more, but what's the point in that? You're not going to experience it anyway. Or if you do, you'll wait a full hour just to hear a single message back from her. And then what?
Another hour for a second reply? I don't have the time to do this shit. I'm a busy man. I demand respect and recognition. Even if I do get a response, which could be any second now, I still wouldn't know what to do with it. My arousal has been far gone since 20 minutes ago. It's like showing up to a party after everyone's wasted. They're all crashing on the couch, some guy's puking in the corner, and you walk in there ready for fun and party games. But surprise, surprise, you showed up late, and everyone is already wasted.
The Grass Is Greener On The Other Side
What I'm trying to say is that the fun will go on regardless of page 3 girl's response here. When I'm in the moment, when I'm aroused and horny, I don't just sit there with my erection waiting for an answer. I don't need anyone to tell me what to do with my penis. Certainly not Emilie. Her whole persona is that of a topless glamour model. I don't have a crush on her. I'm not interested in getting to know her. I'm interested in busting a nut while I over-sexualize her in my mind. And look, I know that sounds rough, but this is the porn business. It's not romantic, it's lustful. And I'm pretty sure that all of you agree with me on this one. If you don't, then you're more than welcome to wait for her response. I'm not judging you.
I just think you're wasting your time. Life's far too precious to be spent waiting on Emilie. When you're in the moment, or should I say, in the cum zone, you shouldn't be forced to wait. You should be making the most out of it. You should be enjoying it. Let's settle this once and for all with a simple question. Is Emilie the only thing that gave you a boner today? If you said yes, then by all means, feel free to spit on my dick and kick me in the nuts. I deserve it. But if your answer was no, then move the fuck on and find your next obsession. The internet is a wide fucking place, and there are plenty of chicks who'll respond quicker than Emilie ever would.
