I don't even know where Telescope is pulling these bitches from. They somehow manage to find the most random semi-popular chicks on the planet. Today I have a prime example. It's a blonde chick called Earthi Angel. She has somehow amassed over 860,000 followers on Instagram, yet she has no apparent talent or skill. That's not me being mean, by the way. That's me being observational. She has a dozen posts on Instagram, and they don't involve cooking recipes or fun facts of the day. It's just thirst traps of her fat and natural ass. Can you imagine that? She has been posting her ass day after day until one day it blew up, and people started blowing nuts to her. I must congratulate her.
She stuck around with a game plan, never for a second doubted the power of her booty cheeks, and now, she is successful. And as you know, whenever a certain chick reaches a certain point of fame, she lands on a PornDude review. That's me, say hi. However, she landed here in a pretty interesting way, all because Telescope is hooking us up with her Telegram info. Am I particularly inspired to hit her up with a specific text message? Not really. I mean, her bio doesn't offer a shred of clarity. I'd usually expect to see a resume. Most people have their Fashion Nova ambassador tag or YouTube channel linked, but Earthi? She has her FeetFinder and TikTok linked instead. It all feels uninspiring to me, like a cash grab designed for depraved bastards. And you already know I'm a depraved bastard, so I have to come up with something clever to message her, right?
The Uninspired Greeting
It's not like she's a porn star that I've whacked my dick to since the beginning of time, and under normal circumstances, I would be all over that early pussy. You know me, I'm a hypersexual kind of guy. My appetite for tits and ass exceeds the length of the Burj Khalifa. But when it comes to Earthi, I'm feeling uninspired, to say the least. So, I did what any horny person would have done when he's craving tits but wants to put zero effort into getting them. And no, I did not go to Pornhub. Instead, I texted Earthi a simple "hey." Yeah, that's right, just a simple "hey." Even a middle schooler would've come up with a better opener than me. But this is not about being slick or smooth. This is about throwing her a bone, seeing how she responds.
If she responds with class and a sassy, "just hey?" and a pic of her ass attached, then it's game on. She'll have me by the balls in no time. However, if her reply is as dry as the Sahara Desert, then we'll be having a very different conversation than the one we're having now. These are all speculations, though. The reality is that every bitch I find through Telescope takes a while to respond. Who knows how long I'll be waiting for a text back? It has been five minutes so far, but those five minutes could easily turn into 40 minutes of radio silence. And I get it, it's not Earthi's job to respond and cater to my every need. I'm just a horny degenerate, and she's a busy woman. That ass is not going to shake itself on Instagram. Seriously, though, these insta-thots always manage to test my patience. Are they even aware of the average lifespan of a boner? I could've easily wasted my genetic material fluids on Pornhub by now and completely forgotten about Earthi. The worst thing you can do to a man with a boner and a will is to make him wait.
30 Thirst Traps For 30 Minutes
You know what pisses me off the most? This chick took 30 full minutes to respond. And do you know what she responded with? She said, "Hey there, what's up?" Which is such a simple message. You could've said that in five seconds. And yet, it took her 30 minutes to craft this masterpiece of a response. Now, I'm not judging her. Far from it, actually. I was the one who messaged a simple "hey." But an answer equally as simple as that shouldn't take 30 minutes. It should take seconds. Never mind that, though. The waiting game is over, and I was feeling particularly sassy. So, I replied with "the sky." Yeah, I know, it's very funny. Give me my award so I can leave. But my response actually sparked something within Earthi because the next thing she texted me had a lot of attitude.
She said, "Wow, what a smart ass." Which excuse me, I'm proud of having a smart ass. That's why I'm not selling it on Telegram. Then she followed it up with, "That's a good one. But what are you up to today?" She wants to know about my plans? Brilliant. But here's the thing. I have no plans. I've spent the last 30 minutes waiting for a reply from someone I know nothing about. That's big, horny detachment there.
It's not like I can say, "waiting for your response," like a loser that hasn't touched a woman since the Ice Age. So instead, I replied with something equally real and relatable. I said, "Avoiding responsibilities, one text message at a time." Which is true. Texting these Telescope bitches is an escape from reality for me. Some people do drugs. Others go to a party at the club and skip work the next day. Me? I eagerly wait for a reply from a chick that I've never heard of but has a nice ass. Let's keep it light and fun, though. Something I said about avoiding responsibilities struck a deep chord within Earthi's soul. She replied to me with, "haha, same. I've been struggling to get out of bed since morning." Now you know me. I'm a smooth player. I saw this as an opportunity and did not waste a single second. I gave her a reason to get out of bed. To film that ass twerking and send it over to me. Look, I don't want her lying in bed all day and lazily texting me. I came here for a reason. My dick has been in my pants since the first message. I haven't forgotten about it, and she owes me at least 30 thirst traps for making me wait 30 minutes.
Putting The Fat Ass To Work
So, she put that ass to work, each one locked behind those sweet Telegram stars. I couldn't resist it. My wallet couldn't resist it either. And before you know it, I was broke and happy for the day. I was throwing money at Earthi as if she were a digital stripper. I swear, at one point I pulled out a $5 bill and attempted to place it between her ass crack, only to realize that it was my monitor, and I look like a dumb fucking idiot doing it. That's how far I've lost my mind. Look, at the beginning, I did not come with a lot of expectations here. Earthi gave me basic blonde bitch vibes. Discovering a shred of personality other than her having a fat ass was a lot of work. Well, not really. It only took a simple "hey." But the point still stands. This bitch can bust down. She's managed to create this relatable yet unattainable vibe, like a sports car caravan built for the average family of five with the price tag of a Lamborghini. That's how it felt talking to her. That's how it felt getting teased by her. But I never regretted it for a single moment. Yeah, she made me wait. Yeah, I got a bit pissy. But in the end, it all worked out somehow.
This only goes to show that if you have a fat booty and the will to use it, you can get away with almost anything in life. Pissed off your boss? Send him a picture of your booty, and the next day, you have a promotion. The police stopped you, and they're about to write a ticket? Bend over real quick to get your license. All is forgiven. Okay, seriously though, I was only joking. Don't use your ass as an excuse for police tickets and work. Not only is it immoral, but it could also get you fired, or worse, land you in a courtroom. This is all comedy here, okay? Don't take it as life advice. What's not comedic, though, is how quickly Earthi can go from the average boner at 3 am to the best jerk-off session of your life. You just gotta play your cards right and connect with her a little bit. Be relatable, be human. Don't send her creepy ass pickup lines (although, she would probably appreciate them too). Just be a polite gentleman who is seeking an orgasm. She is more than willing to provide it for you.
