Have you heard of Julie? She has the cake. Not the Nutella type that you love, but a different kind of cake: cougar cake. Yep. She's a cougar. She's been growing those ass cheeks and nutrient-squirting bazookas for how long now? 30 or 40 years maybe? Don't even bother asking about her age. No, seriously? Why would you do that? There is one thing that perplexes me about her: this chick is a walking paradox. She calls herself "your best friend's mom" and bends over wearing nothing but her panties on a horse fence. Then, you scroll down for a little bit, and she's wearing those cute purple leopard print PJs, looking like a walking wet dream. Seriously? What's the niche here, Julie? Are you a country baddie or an Insta thot?
Luckily, I brought the cougar expert here with me today. Welcome, the man, the myth, the legend himself: Crikey! This man has been in the wilderness for a while now, he knows what he is talking about. I asked him what he thinks of Julie, and he responded with: "She's a ripper, mate! That is a cougar in her prime! I would love to take a piece of her ass and smash it in my face. AH! My primal urge is taking over! I am going to coom..." Yeah, fuck that guy, he's weird. Anyways, let's get back to the topic at hand. Julie? She has a Telegram profile. How could she not? It's mating season, and she's looking for the next Alpha Male to masturbate with. Speaking of, do you know how to get that Telegram info? You need to use Telescope; they are going to hook you up with Julie and let you talk to her for free.
Participate In The Mating Season
Shh! Crikey and I are hiding in the bush here! Come... here's a pair of binoculars. You see her? She's doing some sort of lingerie try-on mating ritual bullshit. Now's our chance, are we going to message her on Telegram? I will set up the bait first. My message will be the equivalent of leaving a trail of breadcrumbs. Hope she's hungry and takes the bait. Here we go, I messaged her the following: "It's mating season. What is a cougar such as yourself doing here?" Now we wait. Let's break character here. I need to address the number one issue that I always have with bitches on Telegram. They always take at least 30 minutes to respond. What the heck am I going to do while I wait for this cougar to take the bait? It's not like Crikey here is sane enough for a conversation. Look at him. He is jacking off in the bushes, looking at her Telescope profile posts. I need to find a bush of my own. I don't want to accidentally start a sword fight with that maniac!
Oh, I know. Let's take a short moment to address the obscure fact of the day. Did you know that male flatworms engage in penis fencing? That's how they have sex. They literally sprout a pair of dagger-like penises and duel each other, trying to stab the other one so they can inject sperm into the opponent's body. Yeah, it's that insane. The loser gets impregnated; the Alpha flatworm wins. Luckily, we are civil enough not to do that. Instead, we waste our sperm in tissues because a cougar like Julie is difficult to resist. Is it smart? Fuck no! Is it healthy? Yes. I don't care what internet gurus tell you about semen retention; that nut needs to be nutted. End of discussion.
I am not going to lie; I am tempted here. I want to close this Telegram chat with Julie and not look back. It has already been 20 minutes, and Julie is nowhere to be seen. I don't expect her to answer right away, but how long are you going to keep me waiting, sweetheart? I don't have all day. Do you know how many Telescope profiles I have lined up? They are all ready for me. They want my money and my cum (mostly the money).
Trigger The Trap
Looks like it's finally happening, Julie has responded! Hooray! This is the moment we have all been waiting for. Is she clever enough to answer my question? I came in strapped with jungle jokes, and she replied with: "Haha, what a way to start a chat, what makes you think I am a cougar though?" Like... what? That is your whole branding, babe. It's all over your social media. You literally have Twitter posts saying "Your favorite cougar" coupled with some stupid emojis. What do you mean, "what makes you think I am a cougar?" Huh? Pretty much everything about you, Julie, screams: COUGAR!
Did she have a brain aneurysm? Did she forget her whole branding? I get it, I am the one at fault here! I came in strong, and she got confused. I am going to tone it down a little. So, I chatted with her some more. I told her to ignore that lame pick-up line because apparently, she has no idea what I am talking about. I went straight for the kill, like a horny maniac in need of brain-stimulated sexting foreplay. Do you know what happened? I waited another 15 minutes for a reply. At this point, I was seriously debating whether I should go to sleep or stay up late just to see a titty. Usually, I am over the moon when it comes to tits, but I'm tired of bitches taking their sweet time. I am sitting here, with my pants on the floor, a boner raging into the ether, and all I get in return is a whole lot of... waiting? I feel like the main character in a Kafkaesque story; no matter how hard I try to nut, I am always met with over-the-top absurdity, like I am fighting some tits bureau, and Julie is the supreme leader of this shit.
Her Special Friends
The big booty finally responded to me, and yes, I am calling her big booty from now on. She called me: "her special friend." Is she calling me special, as in "special-ed", or as in "brilliant and one-of-a-kind"? Anyways, the whole message was that she has "Something special saved for her special friends on Telegram." Which should make me happy that I am part of the club, but I don't appreciate being called special. I am a pretty regular, everyday, normal fucking guy. There is nothing special about me; I wear baggy jeans and a white tee. My ginger hair is the only special thing about me.
Anyways, she is yet to send me any nudes or bundle packs of her ass. I guess she is in it for the intimacy? Usually, all the chicks I chat with on Telegram want to sell me the nudes and leave me fending for myself. This cougar is used to being intimate, sexy... but intimate. I wasted some time chatting with her, eventually she sent those nudes with a price tag, but at this point... I was not excited about that shit. I felt like a sand cat that finally found prey, killed it, and is too tired to eat. The truth is: My heart is not into it! Look, it has been a long night, and waiting for Julie's response killed me. Like truly killed me and my boner. I felt like I wasted my time. Not because she is bad at flirting or anything, I just couldn't take it anymore, my boner was yelling profanities at me. Don't get me wrong, it's not disappointing. It's just... tiring.
I have paid my dues here to the cougar overlord. She has bent her ass enough to turn me on and get me close. But I need a good night's sleep, not a goon night bleep. So... go have fun with Julie, I guess? I will see ya once you become that special friend of Julie.
