Five feet, Seattle, does that remind you of anything? It reminds me of Kurt Cobain, and I brought that guy here for an interview; he has a lot of shit to say, we'll get to that later. For now, if you ever hear 5 feet and Seattle in the same sentence, it should remind you of this chick named Yessenia. I don't even know how to pronounce her name properly. All I know is that she has amassed more than a million followers across all social media, and there is only one reason why. She has great assets, I mean titties and ass, that's the whole point; that's how you get popular on the internet nowadays. What does she do with them? She shakes them, shows them off, and horny simps are paying for it. She has taken it a step further, actually, and opened her Telegram gates to the world. Yeah, being in the top 0.37% of all creators on OnlyFans was not enough. So, she had to take it up a notch and give Telescope her Telegram info so we can all message her and get the nudes directly from the source.
You see, when you go to her OnlyFans, you have to pay a subscription to talk to her. On Telegram, you don't have to do that shit; you just ask for the nudes straight away, and she sends them to you. That's the beauty of it, and that's what I plan to do today. Will I be successful? Who the hell knows? But first, a word from Kurt Cobain. He says, "I got a shotgun on the table and Yessenia's nudes on my phone. What has this generation come to?" Well, let's take a break; that guy is clearly too depressed to talk about "pants creaming" action. Let's get back to the non-depressing stuff, by that I mean Yessenia. Now, just like every single one of you, I immediately messaged Yessenia on Telegram. Telescope hooked me up with her info. What do you expect me to do? Start a band and make depressive grunge music about Yessenia's nipples?
Putting The D In Seattle
Grunge music is not popular in ThePornDude land, but she probably listens to that shit anyway. So, I messaged her. I said, "I swear your body is engineered to make me cream in my pants." Then I hit her with another message right away, "I want to see how those titties look without the bra." And obviously, the waiting game began. You can't escape it. It's Telescope's biggest hurdle. There is no point in waiting around like an insane person, so here's Kurt Cobain to entertain you while Yessenia takes her sweet time crafting a response.
He had a lot of interesting takes on politics, and when I asked him about his taste in women, he said something about Courtney Love. So, I brought her in here, too, and she said that she prefers Yessenia. So, she broke up with him right there on the spot, and he started crying and made another song about it. I had to calm down the situation; I smooth-talked Courtney into a classic Seattle threesome. She brought her strap-on. I was all over that Courtney booty while she was stretching Kurt's butthole. So, I guess it all turned out beautifully in the end. And no, we are not snorting cocaine and shooting heroin in our veins. We're just having a good time, and still, even after that whole ordeal, I did not get a reply for a while. It has been like, what? 15 minutes?
Who knows what this bitch is doing? She could be taking her bra off for some lonely loser on OnlyFans. I mean, that guy is paying for it monthly, so he has priority, right? I'm only here browsing her social media like a fucking desperate idiot. Still, there is a lot of time to kill before she responds, and I think it's time for that one segment of the show called "Fuckity-fuck Train Duck Cluck." Wassup, Duck Clucks? Today, we bring the world's most obscure, horny events from the past. On today's agenda is PewDiePie. He slammed his massive Swedish meatballs on the ground and caused a massive earthquake. Casualties? None. It happened back in 2016. You won't remember it. Anyways, back to the topic at hand.
Getting That Response
I'm still looking at Yessenia's Telescope profile, and her Telegram chat is open right here next to me. She has not responded, not even seen the message. So, what do I do? Well, the next best thing: I go to her Twitter and fap it to her nudes. I mean, they're already there. She's shaking her booty there; she will respond in the meantime, I am sure of it. Guess how long it took her to actually text me back? If you said 30 minutes, congratulations. You are right! Here is my sperm on your face as a reward. Anyways, response time? I don't know if she has a timer right next to her or what, but you can't be that precise. Anyways, this bitch likes the way that I talk to her, and it makes her want to show me everything. Her words, not mine.
Yeah, right, Yessenia. Like you haven't said that to the ten other people messaging you all day. I know you're here to make the big bucks, so just send me the goods. And she actually did. For 779 telegram stars, I can unlock a single picture of her. Now, I don't know if these other Telescope babes spoiled me, but for the same amount (sometimes less), they have sent me whole ass bundle packs of their ass and titties and whatnot. But Yessenia, she only sent me one picture. What am I going to do with one picture? Frame it on my living room wall? Yessenia, honey, I need a whole bundle, alright?
I said, "Look, if you're going to send me something, send me a whole bundle. I'm not spending that much money on one picture." And yeah, the waiting game began again. So, I have nothing else to do but wait. In the meantime, I visited Seattle Park and looked at statues of the greatest grunge heroes of that era. Part of me hoped that I would see Yessenia walking around and flashing her titties, but nope, that did not happen. And after like 10 minutes, she replied to me with a whole ass bundle, just like I asked. Did I unlock it? Yes. Am I desperate? Yes. I spent this entire time waiting for a reply, so I might as well enjoy the goods, right?
The Fruitful Conclusion
Overall, I can't say that I'm disappointed, because I'm not. I asked her to do shit for me, and she did. She sent me a whole bundle. On top of that, her Telescope profile is stacked. She has plenty of pictures there that will blow your socks off, and if that's not enough, you can chat and flirt with her all day. Now, I don't have the time for that chatting nonsense. My time is better spent writing these reviews, rather than talking with Yessenia. Heck, I threw Kurt a bone, made him talk to her. That guy spent an hour jacking off instead of talking. I mean, he's "talking" to a girl who shows her tits on the Internet. What did you expect? A spiritually philosophical discussion about Buddhism? Hell no. This bitch is here for only one reason: To empty your nuts and make bucks. I respect her hustle. Everyone on the Internet is doing it nowadays. Plus, if you have a body like hers, you will do the same thing. I am sure of it.
If only I were a girl... I would make so much money doing this shit. I already know all the ins and outs of the business, and Yessenia? She is playing the game correctly. Just browse through her Twitter for a second, and you'll see what I am talking about. That thing is already dripping with the good stuff. So what use is her Telegram? It's for the extra connection, to form that parasocial bond. It's about KO'ing your frontal cortex and allowing your dick to make executive decisions. So, look, just fap it and enjoy whatever is left here. If you can wait 30 minutes for a reply, that is.
