Who needs regular floozies on Telegram when you have Abigail? For the uninitiated, this is the self-proclaimed queen of LA. Yes, self-proclaimed, I didn't give her that title; she did, on her Instagram description. Questioning her title? Good, go say that to her face. I don't know what her job is either. She could be a professional titty model (I think she is). When it comes to chicks like Abigail, all I see is their "FashionNova Ambassador" bullshit, and I think: "What kind of celebrity sell-out is this?" Like, they have reached a certain level of fame, and now they are vouching for FashionNova? I don't even know what FashionNova does for the world.
Yo, Klay Thompson, my man, what's up? Look, everybody! Welcome, my man Klay Thompson, Steph Curry's right-hand man, stroked him on the court as a pre-workout routine. Did you know that Klay Thompson rejected Abigail because he was looking for a wholesome woman to chill with him and his dog? That is literally the reason Abigail got famous. This wild ass motherfucker said "Yo, get your glammed-up booty out of my DMs, I don't want your entitled, over-the-top, Barbie looking ass near my English bulldog or me. Got it, hoe?" Ok, maybe he did not say that shit word for word. Thompson, let me give you a kiss on the lips my homie... Anyways, Thompson and I had a night that Abigail can only dream of; that guy shoots great three pointers and fondles balls like a pro.
Anyways, we are here for Abigail, and how great she is at fondling balls, not Klay. Where did she go? Oh, right, there she is; she is on Telescope. Her profile on there doesn't look too bad, think a bunch of lingerie teases, Abigail cupping her tits for no reason, doing photoshoots in her walk-in closet (yes, she has a walk-in closet while you and I have a wank-in closet), that kind of stuff. It's the standard profile that you goon to, so I hit that message button. I gave up on creativity at this point. I straight-up said, "Show me those famous titties without a bra, professional photoshoot where the nipples are visible is most welcome," and left it at that.
Respond, respond, respond...
Before we continue, it's time for the "Daily Fuckery-Fuck Truck" segment of the day, starring: Japanese ninjas who trained their dicks to break blocks of concrete with one flick of their penis. Folks, I have the cement dick breaking champion Yamashi Sakamoto here, and he is saying, "I am Yamashi Sakamoto, master of the Shadow Cock Ninjutsu; my shadow dick can shatter concrete with a single thrust! – HIYAA! – Yet, when I see Abigail taking her time to respond on Telegram, the only thing shattered is my Infinite No Ejaculation Jutsu!" Yamashi said it here best, folks. Abigail takes her sweet ass time responding to losers like me. Yamashi flew all the way from Japan for this shit, give it up for his "Shadow Cock Ninjutsu!"
Back to the program, how long has it been? Lord knows, like 20 minutes? Yamashi and I ate a whole pack of Buldak Noodles, and I cried like a little bitch because the sauce is too spicy. That motherfucker put a special sticky, white sauce in my bowl of ramen; needless to say, I had the best meal of my life. Has Abigail responded? Fuck no, why would she? It's the end of the world out there, full on Armageddon; I bet she is hiding in Fashion Nova's fallout shelters that are full of Gucci sponsorships and model runaway sets. My horny thirst for her titties is not a priority to her, is it? Even Klay Thompson here claims he has never seen her titties; he is currently learning the "Shadow Cock Ninjutsu" from Yamashi here. As a matter of fact, let me join them. Do I have anything better to do?
I swear, I learned how to break concrete with my dick and had a gay threesome before Abigail responded. I don't even know how long it has been. The world outside has crumbled into a white void, Yamashi and Klay are inventing a new technique that reflects basketballs with their balls, and me? All this time I have been waiting for Abigail, it has been, what? 35 minutes now? Could this time have been better spent doing literally anything else? Of course, instead, I am here waiting for a glammed-up chick to reply to me. What a wonderful life I live.
She Finally Said Something
It took this bitch 40 minutes in total to respond to me. The second she did, I kicked both Thompson and Yamashi out of here; they have done their job at keeping me entertained. But now it's time to close the windows, lock the doors, it's Abigail Ratchford coom time. This bitch dared to say "haha, you're not shy at all, are you? I think I have something you're looking for..." and sent me exactly what I asked for. I forgive her... I forgive her for making me wait because those titties are worth the wait. Or are they? Turn off that Vsauce music in the background. I am not here to share secrets about the universe and explain the laws of physics. That bundle pack of her titties she sent me? She priced it at exactly 999 Telegram stars. My current balance? 17 stars. I stocked up on it faster than a meth addict getting rid of the evidence while the cops raid his house.
I am not proud of it; I am not proud of being this simpy over a stranger on the internet, but this is an addiction. I have to feed my balls with the daily dose of titties Telescope has to offer to me. Those guys are basically FedEx delivery but for the internet's most obscure Insta thots. I can't let them down; they did not go through the trouble of getting Abigail's Telegram contact info for nothing. Yo, hold on. Klay Thompson is knocking on my door again. I can't let him see these titties; he would regret ever rejecting her. Okay, I chased that motherfucker away as I chase away all the bitches that I approach – by being stinky and covered in cum. That motherfucker saw the state these photos left me in and regretted ever coming back here. I think he is planning an intervention night with a professional therapist and all that. Fuck him, I love my porn addiction, and I am willing to feed it until I turn into dust. Did I stock up on lube? Yep, here we go!
Post-Nut Regret
I have done the sinful deed many times over. I am a drained man, a hollow human without any bodily fluids left. What do I have to say to myself now? Nothing... I am at a loss. It's all coming back to me now. I left my good friends Klay and Yamashi for a goon session? I am the worst friend out there. They are still trying to comfort me. I see them from my window. How could I not when Klay literally threw a basketball at it? Yamashi is holding a sign that says "Gooning is temporary, friends are forever – Master Oogway." I am pretty sure he has lost his mind. What the fuck does that decrepit turtle have to do with this shit?
Now that I am sober, I realize that the wait was not worth it. Don't get me wrong. The pictures still slap; they could resurrect a man who has been decades in a coma by bringing his boner back to life. But... I feel empty. I did not form a parasocial connection; I only asked for nudes and jacked off. There is no problem in that, I just... Never really got to know Abigail. I realize that she doesn't care about me, and all she wants is to see her bank account grow bigger, better, and richer. I am tired of being used for my sex drive; it's time for me to rethink my life choices and start over.
