Oh, jeez, I wasn’t prepared for something so atrocious this day. Why do you have to ruin a good Tuesday for me? It’s a sunny day, I’ve got my lemonade on and horny juices to the max. I was ready to pull up a good site and pull out my cock. The birds are chirping and cars are passing by, going on vacation. But I was like, hey, let’s review something. The people need it. The people can’t operate without my opinions. Go have real sex, you dweebs. Or just go to a better site. BehindTheTowel is complete garbage. You should seriously look at the sheer ugliness of the site. Even if the Queen herself was getting dicked here, I wouldn’t care. Oh wait, the Queen is three feet under. Then, the king. Does anyone have the hots for the king? He’s old as fuck but he has a lot of money. And I’m sure a lot of chicks have a daddy fetish. So, even if royalty itself was presented on BehindTheTowel, it’s a no from me.
How do I even describe this shit show? It’s beyond words. I have no idea who made it. I’m sure it wasn’t done by someone with no real skills, who just used AI. Because firstly, it’s very old. Secondly. My god. Nothing is where it should be. The elements are all fucked. And I am not getting fucked today because I decided to review this dumpster fire. It’s like if part of the HTML and part of the CSS didn’t load. So, it’s not one thing that broke, everything is broken. This site should seek therapy. This site needs to go on vacation, meditate on the beach and find itself. Have a little bit of a summer romance to get the spark back. I thought that the problem was on my side and things weren’t loading. It’s the only explanation I had for something so visually vile. But after a few reloads, I gave up on seeing something beautiful today. It’s kind of comical at this point. Like a joke site on Adult Swim that some jock character made because he’s not used to working on code like all the other nerds. I wish the site could beat up or in any case threaten a nerd site to help it make something that’ll at least get a C minus.
Wackadoo colors
See, when I enter BehindTheTowel, I don’t get horny. It’s impossible to look at the content or care what it’s about. We’ll cover its stupid concept later. I just want to complain now. The colors of the site remind me of piss and poo that was somehow pooped from a goblin that ate too many blueberries. The background is this weird ass purple shade. It’s so dark that you can barely see the black text on top. Not the text would be of any importance to anyone. It’s just telling me about a Flash Driver installation. See, I don’t have problems with viewing videos on other sites. So, what gives? I know the main problem. The other part of the sentence is, that the videos might be misplaced. Great, good job, you lost your videos. And you know why I find BehindTheTowel so comical? Well, the black text is repeated over and over on the whole site like 15 times.
Next, you have the piss aspect of it all. In neon yellow, they’re begging me to join the site. But this is no ordinary begging. What other sites usually do is have a neat little button that says join now, or become a member. Even though it can get in your face, it’s capitalism and marketing baby. But BehindTheTowel wanted to be a little more creative than that. It’s literally a full sentence in small letters, repeated 13 times. Yes, I counted them. I just had to. Because if I just told you the facts, you wouldn’t believe me. I have evidence now. Take BehindTheTowel to court. Sue it for, uhm, I don’t know I’m not a lawyer. Get one of those people from those lawyer shows to do it. But please, don’t forget to do it. This is a serious matter. This site needs to go to jail and try to be a reformed site. They should just shut it down. Throughout the site, on most of the empty space, you have the black text and the yellow text in an intricate dance. They repeat over and over and over and over.
Lastly, there’s the blue text in the middle of it all. Like a child who’s torn between parents who are getting divorced and won’t stop screaming the same thing over and over and over and over. The blue text just has some titles in it. It didn’t do anything wrong. But it’s still there caught up in the middle of all the fuck. Lawyers, please. Do it for the children. Kids are happier when parents get divorced, they don’t prefer a broken home where the shit idiots stay together.
The one man show
The man, the myth, the legend. The Ice Man. A great guy who teaches a lot of people about his methods. His main shtick is, well, going into icy water. He can withstand very cold temperatures and even relax in that shit in meditation. There are lots of YouTube videos of him teaching you how to breathe in a way that you do something to your body. What, I have no idea. Not my kind of style of audio guided shit. I much prefer it when a hot babe with a raspy voice guides me to orgasm. So, The Ice Man, cool dude. Oh, what? This is not him? There is another Ice Man on the market. Another Ice goblin making content. Sounds to me like a great way to get attention your way by asking a popular name from a popular guy. Except the other guy does something that’s actually useful to society.
Our, ice man, and that’s very unfortunate that he’s out ice man right now, is a stripper. Strippers are amazing. I love strippers. They can grind on my cock and take all my money. Why, I would marry a stripper. She’ll have stripper friends and we can all live happily ever after and partake in gangbangs. I’ll be the one who’ll be hangbanged of course. Make strippers also have a place in this world. Horny bridesmaids, lonely chicks who don’t get dicked, someone else probably? But this guy, the ice man, took it to a new level and launched his own site. You know one thing about strippers, they’re dumb. And I say that with love. Bless their heart. If you are a stripper, I really doubt that you’ll make a career change one day and become a heart surgeon. So, our guy ice man here, is not that bright.
Real horny women
Remember the analogy with that jock dude? The ice man is literally that. A dumb jock that’s living in his own little world and is jolly all the time. He’s probably having a lot of fun and isn’t hurting anybody. Except the wallets of people dumb enough to sub to his shit. By the way, the whole point of BehindTheTowel is to show real chick, not actors, what is behind the towel. And behind the towel, my dear reader is something I did not hope to see today. See, this man has a penis. But this is not an ordinary penis, no sir. It looks like a banana that’s been sitting out in the sun for too long. It turned a sort of color that I can’t even put into words. A kind of mix of red and brown but if those two were mixed together and then someone beat the shit out of the colors and they got bruised.
It's very crooked. His signature move is to put whipped cream on it, very original, and have the ladies eat it up off this cock. So, you can imagine how the whole thing looks like someone served the ladies a banana dessert but the dessert was rotten. And they pay for this shit. And if you’re stupid, you’ll pay for it too. The monthly fee is 30 bucks. That’s seriously funny. Hey, ice man, do you know what kind of sites charge that much cash? Gigantic sites with so much content you can fap your dick clean off and still have thousands of videos. And this thing is a one man show, with a broken site and a broken penis. And that’s your only sub option. Nothing else.
