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As I have thoroughly documented, there are plenty of elite adult websites where you can buy your own sex toys, yes, that’s true.
But in this economy, why spend more money than you have to? What with people dealing with a plague of locusts in Africa, Americans are burning down cities, Eurasia (and the rest of the world) being ravaged by a coronavirus and aggressive syphilis, we’re all stressed the fuck out.
So, to spice up your sex life – be it with your harem, girlfriend, or with yourself – toys are a great way to go. To save on expenses for my sexy women readers, I’ve already uploaded a post on the best sex toys for women. Hell, I’ve done a complete breakdown of how to make pleasuring playthings for both genders.
But I think it is high time I did a review exclusively for my male readers.
Let’s start with the right kind of lube
Water, silicon, and oil-based lube – For beginners, water-type lubes are a great place to start. They’re easy to find, typically less expensive, and won’t make you blow your load in twenty seconds due to being overstimulated.
Silicon- and oil-based lubricants feel even better in my opinion and last longer than watery products, plus you can use them in the shower without immediately washing away. Since they tend to be more chemically complex, some varieties like Gun Oil and Sliquid provide more, well, complex sensations.
Just be careful where you use them since they are harder to scrub out of sheets and furniture. That and don’t use an oily product with condoms or certain toys.
Try some homebrews – I’ve already blogged about this but will bring it up again, there are tons of ways to make your own lube. Besides using a few household ingredients like cornstarch mixed with water and essential oils, you can simply use egg whites or coconut oil with no mixing required.
Check out some cock rings and slings, too
While the idea of them seems too simple to have an effect on your next solo, duo, or group sex session, these toys can really be more of a boost than you would imagine. Not only do cock rings add another layer of sensation as you’re pumping away, but the way they slightly affect the circulation of your cock can make your dick a bit more veiny, girthy, and longer.
Cock rings – Simple rings are made out of rubber or silicone and can be purchased on just about every adult e-store and most brick-and-mortar sex shops. Brands like Screaming O sell great but cheap simple rings, while LELO and Big O specialize in crafting these toys which have a vibrating mini-motor.
Cock slings – Similar to cock rings, but with more material, these playthings cover up part of your sack as well, providing even more pressure and intensity on your boy bits. They take some getting used to at first and can be a bitch to take on and off, but it’s worth it. If you want to get the best, I endorse Oxballs products.
Into pleasuring your prostate? Look up these items
Clearly, this section is aimed mostly at my male readers who are into dudes, but it ain’t necessarily gay to want to shove things up your butt. After all, there is tons of female-on-male pegging porn out there, some networking website for that fetish, and even a Reddit page.
Dildos – They’re not just for women. Dildos and similar sex toys are probably the most common prostate pleasers. Though you can find basic models that resemble abnormally large pens, I’d stick to one which looks anatomically accurate with fake balls and everything.
This isn’t just because the variations in texture enhance the sensation, but there is no risk of your toy getting stuck inside you. Believe it or not, this a not too uncommon reason for reckless fuckers to get rushed to the hospital.
Moving on, the brands I think you should use include battery-powered products by Doc Johnson and Basix. Or if you have a man-crush on one of the top gay pornstars, look up the 21 types of Fleshjack toys.
Prostate stimulators – Other ways to hit your p-spot include anal beads, prostate massagers, and but plugs. There are a helluva lot of brands to pick from, but some of the best are from Blush, We-Vibe, nJoy, and LELO manufacture high-quality toys of these kinds.
Be sure to invest in an ass cleaner – It truly amazes me that there are grown adults out there who are into anal adventures but don’t know how to prep before then. If you don’t shit can get real messy, real quick.
There are a few different options out on the market, three of the most common being industrial enemas, douches, and shower attachments. The first is a prepared bottle filled with liquid, usually water, to grease things up, so to speak.
Run-of-the-mill douches are similar only that they tend to be cheaper and all you to control how much water you squirt up your ass. If you do, just be sure to use only water, no soap, and nothing more than being lukewarm.
I don’t know from experience, but I’ve had some gay guys tell me horror stories about how they nearly tore up their insides with almost scalding hot water.
Finally, there are shower attachments that can provide a continuous stream of water to clean things out before butt play.
But nothing beats the almighty pocket pussy
Regardless of size, kink, or orientation, just about every guy likes having his dick stimulated until he starts spilling semen, whether he’s with someone else or enjoying some alone time.
In my not-so-humble opinion, the best way to do this when sexing yourself up solo is with a good pocket pussy. So, let’s get into it the kinds of brands to consider buying.
Eggs – No, I’m not talking about the ones laid by birds; I’m referring to strokers that come in a neat egg-y container. They are easy to store, can be discretely stored while traveling, and since the product looks like a rubbery material, it can stretch to fit nearly any dick. In my opinion, the best company in the business which manufactures these is Tenga.
Basic whole-dick masturbators – While eggs are designed to stretch around your dick, true masturbators are made to stay on it like a glove, which provides even more options.
In addition to working on your meat the old fashioned way, you can spice things up by using these items with pillows, couches, your mattress, or similar household appliances so you can pump hands-free. And since the cheaper ones have two holes on either end, they are easy to clean.
For the best effect, though, I strongly suggest pairing this toy with good water- or silicon-style lube.
As far as where to find them, I’ve never heard of a poorly made masturbation, so just about anyone you see on an online sex store should do it. However, if you are looking for the best basic penis wraps, Tenga has manufactured some quality product as has Doc Johnson.
High-end textured varieties – Between Lovense’s Max models, the 2-in-1 Dual Pocket Pussy by Zemilia, and Bad Dragon’s Sofia, I could do another post just one high-end male masturbators. But since there are far too many good producers of this product, but the one who beats them all in my book is Fleshlight.
While you are going to have to spend some money, almost every part of their products can be customized. The exterior hole can be made to look like a mouth, butthole, or pussy. You can order the different textures of the interiors for a personalized pleasurable feeling. Even the color can be made to order.
Visit the grocery store – If, on the other hand, you are on a real tight budget, your neighborhood producer seller has a ton of tantalizing fruits you can play with if you know what you are doing.
Easy stuff to work with include using a banana peel – ideally warmed up in the microwave for a few seconds – or drilling a hole in a honeydew melon or a cantaloupe. If you are looking for a new kind of sensation and a challenge when it comes to prep work and handling, you can also try using pineapple or coconut.
If you’re going to go this route, you probably are going to want to play in the shower or put some plastic sheets down first. Otherwise, no matter how careful you are, you’re going to have furniture covered in more than the usual sticky stuff.
ThePornDude’s final words
These are the types of toys that appeal to most people, but those with a kinkier side look into nipple clamps, nipple suckers, penis sleeves, and if you are feeling brave, a sounder. These can be harder to find in an adult store, but the best websites to get quality fetish gear is AdamEve.com, The Lion’s Den, and, much to my surprise, Amazon.
