Like a bad case of the herp, COVID-19 just keeps flaring up in various places all over the world. Hell, just like The Gift That Keeps on Giving, it sometimes seems like this virus won’t ever go away either. As annoying, if not depressing as this pandemic is, it has brought out some unusual responses from health experts and governments. Both have provided some incredibly unorthodox advice, which I thought I never thought I’d see in print.
For instance, the Dutch government is advising people to stay monogamous if married, keep their sex circle closed to their fuck buddies if they have them, and if single, go out and look for a regular hookup partner.
However, if you think your spouse may have been exposed – even if you are living together – you should abstain from intimacy altogether. They will condone couples reading erotic literature to one another, so long as it’s from a distance.
And this is coming from the same country, which is famous for its marijuana-scented brothels.
The Dutch and other state authorities are also encouraging folks to get into visual Zoom orgies, look up webcam models, watch porn, and engage in other forms of cybersex.
Besides the governments I have mentioned, there are some exceptionally hilarious and bizarre safety recommendations given out by a few more organizations. So, I’ll comment on some of the funniest and dumbest things the politicians and bureaucrats have published regarding coronavirus, sex, and safety.
Get ready for some hilarity mixed with shock horror
There are so many official suggestions to choose from, but I’m limiting myself to a few. Let’s being with what AVERT has to say.
“If you or your sexual partner are displaying symptoms of COVID-19 – a dry, persistent cough, temperature, or difficulty breathing – you should limit all close physical contact to stop the spread of the virus.”
Whether they have COVID or the common flu, why would anyone want to have sex when one or both parties have those symptoms? *yuch*
“Having sex with yourself, masturbation, has no COVID-19 risk and is one of the best ways to keep enjoying sex during this pandemic.”
No joke? This whole time I thought that hand play would make you blind and cause hair to sprout on your paws. *eye roll*
“You can also explore other ways to have sex without anyone physically present, including through phone or webcam.”
As I have pointed out in several reviews using tens of thousands of words, this is definitely true.
“If you live in the same house as a regular sexual partner and you both have no symptoms, then you can continue having sex…”
Well, thank you for your permission.
“If your partner is having sex with other people who don’t live with you, then this increases your risk of getting COVID-19.”
Yeah, and so does going to a restaurant, or a pub, or going anywhere outside for that matter.
“Avoid kissing or exchanging saliva with anyone outside of your household.”
If you think about it, depending on who you live with, this statement’s reverse implications are super disturbing.
“Consider sexual arousal techniques that don’t involve physical contact – like talking.”
Isn’t this the nightmare of every middle-aged man whose marriage is in a rut?
“Mutual masturbation while physical distancing.”
That is impossible by definition. WTF?! Do these people read their own words?
“If you are not planning on getting pregnant, ensure you have an adequate supply of contraception.”
Wow, did you hear that, ladies? Apparently, certain mathematical realities didn’t exist before the pandemic.
“Make sure you have an adequate supply of condoms, and at least 30 days’ worth of PrEP, if you [are] currently taking PrEP.”
And did you hear that, too, ladies and lads? Apparently, certain safety realities didn’t exist before the pandemic, either.
And now, let’s round things off with some gems from the New York City Health Department.
“You are your safest sex partner. Masturbation will not spread COVID-19…”
No shit?! Really?
“…especially if you wash your hands (and any sex toys) with soap and water for at least 20 seconds before and after sex.”
Wait! Do most people not wash their sex toys regularly?
“Have sex only with consenting partners.”
Well, I’m glad to read that the New York City government is not condoning r*pe.
“If two is a company then three (or more) is definitely a crowd.”
Mmm, I’m afraid I have to disagree. Three, to me, is just a few short of a fantastic private party. What do you guys think?
“Limit the size of your guest list. Keep it intimate.”
I wish they would define ‘size’ and ‘intimate’ because, for me, that last term includes half the girls in my area on Tinder.
“Pick larger, more open, and well-ventilated spaces [when at a sex party]”
Is NYC Health encouraging people to have sex in public? Seriously, I’m not the only one who’s reading it that way, am I?
“Bring an alcohol-based hand sanitizer.”
Because nothing screams arousing scent like alcohol-based soap, I suppose next they’ll be saying we should bump uglies under a UV light after taking some hydroxychloroquine.
“Take precautions [when] interacting with people at risk for severe COVID-19 illness such as people over 65 years of age or those with serious medical conditions.”
Nice to see them acknowledging folks with granny fetishes and the seniors who are still getting it on.
“Kissing can easily pass the virus. Avoid kissing anyone who is not part of your small circle of close contacts.”
Boy, that sounds erotic, doesn’t it? Canoodling with no kissing, yippee.
“Rimming (mouth on anus) might spread the virus. Virus in feces may enter your mouth and could lead to infection.”
For once, I fully agree; tossing a dirty salad is a bad idea.
“Wear a face covering or mask. Maybe it’s your thing, maybe it’s not, but during COVID-19 wearing a face covering that covers your nose and mouth is a good way to add a layer of protection during sex.”
If there’s anything hotter than seeing a fine babe in a burkha, it’s a lady wearing a face shield. Ain’t that right, fellas?
“Heavy breathing and panting can spread the virus further, and if you or your partner have COVID-19 and don’t know it, a mask can help stop that spread.”
So even with a face mask, you still can’t get hot and heavy, lads and ladies. Aren’t these government guidelines are totally logical and consistent.
“Make it a little kinky.”
Oh? We are allowed to be kinky. Let’s find out what that means…
“Be creative with sexual positions and physical barriers, like walls, that allow sexual contact while preventing close face to face contact.”
Will wonders never cease? If you didn’t read between the lines, a government agency is saying that you can’t kiss, but doing it via glory hole is just fine-what a time to be alive.
“Masturbate together. Use physical distance and face coverings to reduce the risk.”
How much distance is required exactly? Six feet or sixty-nine? And if at a distance, why the need for a face mask?
For that matter, how does it make sense to whack off together at a distance with a mask, but having distance-less penetrative sex is no problem? I feel the need to bring up the fact that according to UK recommendations…
“You also do not need to socially distance from someone you’re in an established relationship with…”
However, that same government put a #sexban in effect back in September, which prohibited casual fornicating in private homes for residents of the Greater Manchester area as well as parts of Yorkshire and Lancaster.
Does that make sense to you? IDK Maybe the Tories hate north Englanders. I suppose they are a little merciful. You can still do it in a hotel room because, you know, that totally logical.
Now to circle back to one of the first tips on the NYC set of guidelines.
“We know that other coronaviruses do not easily spread through sex. This means sex is not likely a common way that COVID-19 spreads.”
Then what the fuck was with all of those bullshit rules?
Points of Clarification and Satisfying Sex Advice
Before I get a ton of emails wishing me to hate and death and questioning how I could trivialize this issue, chillax. This whole post was just supposed to be humor in the face of some “advice,” which might be considered hysteria.
If you can’t get enough of the effects of ‘rona, look up how the virus is affecting the sex business, I have an upload on how porn professionals are dealing with the crisis. I’ve also compiled a series of links to lockdown porn.
Still, if that’s not your speed, you could try out some kinky carnal activities if you’re at home because you’re telecommuting, furloughed, or have been made redundant. I promise you; they are just as safe and far more fun than the official recommendations from so-called experts.
However, you do it, mask or no, stay safe and fuck well.
