FapHouse Creampie

A long time ago, some years after The Big Bang, I took a vow to review all porn sites known to man. I also promised to be as meticulous as possible, because fappers really like their narrow reviews that cover a singular topic, even across generic porn sites like FapHouse. This was the beginning of my downfall. I didn’t realize then that this would mean I would have to review parts of porn sites that make absolutely no sense. I locked myself into a fucking responsibility and I know better than that! I know never to commit to women for example. I know never to let anyone sleep over at my house lest they start nesting. But alas, the world of porn has earned my dedication and now I have to talk about FapHouse’s creampie videos, even though I have every reason not to fucking do that.

I have nothing against FapHouse. Far from it. I love the site. As you may already know this is a premium porn networking website that brings in content from many premium studios, but sells them under their own personal subscription. It’s kind of like a bundle site. You subscribe to FapHouse and you get unlimited access to all of the videos under their library. These are premium videos that were presumably licensed from their original production studios and repackaged for sale here. They’re fantastic. I love the quality of smut on FapHouse. I think they’ve been doing a fantastic job since they first started. My only problem with this site is how terribly inaccurate the tagging system can be when you are looking for something specific. In this case, we’re only going to talk about the creampie porn on FapHouse and it’s going to be a nightmare for me and a boring review for you. I’m sorry. There’s not much I can do about it.

What is a Creampie and What Does it Do?

When we talk about creampies it’s clear we’re referring to male ooze coming out of female vaginas. I know some of those words sound redundant, but the internet is a wonderful magical place where squirting constitutes cumming and vice versa, so if I’m not pedantically accurate with my descriptions, someone somewhere will feel like their gender is not being represented accurately. So, male semen inside female vaginas, slowly oozing out back after an orgasm. That’s the shtick. That’s what we’re here for. It’s a simple enough concept. How could you possibly fuck it up?

I’m glad you asked. Leave it to FapHouse to prove that you’re never too successful to swing and miss your mark by a mile. The creampie section is loaded with content, so at first glance you’d think you’ve struck gold. Then, you look closer and realize that the videos have sweet fuck all to do with creampies. Sure, a lot of them do indeed feature a creampie, but that’s the odd exception in-between. It’s not the standard. Hell, even calling this place a creampie section is a travesty. Any section through which you have to comb in order to find the content that’s advertised is not a section – it’s a dumping ground. For an organized and paid premium porn site, FapHouse are really letting me down.

Tags Versus Search Terms

I can immediately tell what went wrong on FapHouse with this whole alleged creampie section. Their site refuses to tell the difference between a category tag and a search term and it’s swinging as widely as Google does when you look up hot bitches in your area. Did you mean dogs or were you referring to women? That’s how wide search terms work. You need to be ultra-specific or your search engine is going to serve you with a mountain of disjointed bullshit that you didn’t ask for. Same thing happens here on FapHouse. I’m seeing a video about creampies right next to a video about ice cream. That word, cream, it triggered both of these videos to show up. This is not ok. Video titles on porn sites are decorative at best. They always do a shit job at categorizing the video. That’s exactly why we have manual category tags.

Alas, FapHouse missed the memo and now you’ve got a healthy mix of creampie porn as well as random porn that could feature just about anything except for gay sex. At the very least FapHouse had the good sense to exclude gay sex from the results. Still, I remain unimpressed.

What About the Actual Creampies?

They’re terrible. Look, I’ll admit it outright – it’s really hard to make porn centered entirely around a money shot fetish. By that I mean it’s hard to make porn that focuses on facials, cum swallowing, ruined orgasms and so on. These are money shot moments that only ever happen towards the end of a sexual encounter. Creampies are exactly the same. You can’t have a creampie throughout a sexual encounter. It only really happens at the end.

Now, there is some innovation that can be done in order to squeeze out the fetishistic potential of the creampie into some unique content, if the porn producers behind the project want to do that in the first place. I’ll give you an example. If you’re a cum fetishist and you like creampies, would you rather watch a 20-minute video of standard vaginal penetration that culminates in a creampie or would you like a 10-minute video that starts with the creampie then proceeds to show the girl gently extract the cum from her snatch with a spoon and play with it in her mouth before scooping it all up and shoving it up her ass with a turkey baster? Yes, I know the latter scenario is whack as fuck, but you get what I mean – there’s potential for fucked up shit. The creampies could be focused on more narrowly, instead of having them just sort of decorate the end of a video.

Generic As Fuck

I think that the main problem here is that FapHouse is not dedicated to one particular type of smut or even a category of smut. They scoop in the porn automatically from other websites that offer to offload their content for resale. This is a fine system, but it very much guarantees that FapHouse have no ability to guarantee proper devotion and execution of a given fetish. If you find a creampie video on FapHouse, at best you can expect to see a creampie featured at least once at some point in the video. But, as this is a premium website, you’ll basically be encouraged to pay money for the explicit privilege of possibly maybe seeing the thing you’re looking for once in a blue moon. This is a dogshit way to do premium porn.

On the flip side, if you’re easy going and don’t give a particular fuck about the creampies in some deeper way, you might enjoy FapHouse for how casual they are with their smut. I mean, if you’re a simple guy who’s into simple porn, the creampie section on this site is going to feel warmly welcoming. It’s the kind of smut that you can recommend to everyone because it’s not narrowly targeted at anyone. You know what I mean. It’s vanilla cookie cutter smut that’s unlikely to offend anyone’s preference, provided they’re into pussy.

A Pricey Investment

When I’ve talked about FapHouse’s business model in the past, regarding other categories of smut, I’ve praised their subscription costs. But, when it comes to creampie videos specifically, I have to sort of put myself in the shoes of someone who’s looking for creampies specifically. That changes things immensely. Would you pay 15 euros a month for a website that only marginally offers the thing you came to find? No, you wouldn’t, because you’re not a moron. For what it’s worth they have discounts if you pay for more months in advance, but the biggest discount is their lifetime membership for only 300 euros. It’s a flat payment that entitles you to FapHouse forever, basically.

This is where I end up on the fence. On the one hand, a lifetime subscription to a gigantic porn site that’s constantly introducing new smut is a brilliant idea. On the other, if you’re a cum fetishist on the prowl for creampie videos, you’re better off saving your money. So… it’s ultimately your decision. I would personally look for paid creampie content elsewhere, but if you like the mix of smut you get on FapHouse then by all means, sign up.