ULMF

Everybody’s familiar with vanilla porn. You know, the standard stuff: missionary, blowjobs, hardcore anal fisting. Most porn fans have a general awareness of hentai, but few have any idea how deep the fandom goes. Newbies to the world of cartoon titties and pixel-game twats can get lost easily. What the hell do you do the first time you find a site like ULMF.org? The site gets a couple million visitors a month but is utterly baffling to a newcomer.

ULMF stands for Unofficial LineMarvel Forum, which either makes sense immediately or means absolutely nothing to you. There’s no in-between. You probably found this review trying to figure out what it’s all about, or else you’re one of LineMarvel’s apparently rabid fans, Googling his name in search of another bit of pornographic Flash gold.

WTF is a ULMF? Who is LineMarvel?

Ulmf sounds like it could be German, or maybe some gutteral sex cry, the sound a man makes when he penetrates the object of his desire deeply, fully, and completely. That it’s an Unofficial Forum for something called LineMarvel brings up all kinds of questions. Who or what is LineMarvel? Is there an Official LineMarval Forum somewhere? An OLMF?

LineMarvel is the creator of a Flash game called Jungle Girl that came out way back in 2005, a few years before OLMF came online. It’s about the titular Jungle Girl who goes out for a naked jungle walk one day and gets attacked by tentacle monsters.

The game is simple and crude in terms of graphics and gameplay. You hit ASD to avoid worm-like tentacles that fuck your pussy, mouth, and ass. When the orgasm meter builds up, you lose, at which point Jungle Girl is shown being restrained and fucked by five tentacles.

It’s hard to believe, but this is what put the dude on the map. Perverts went crazy for it and demanded a sequel. Demon Girl came out a few months later. Demon Girl is a more polished variation of the theme, but still pretty crude on every level. You play the titular Demon Girl, trying to avoid extremed sex but getting fucked a lot until you lose, at which point you get fucked harder by more tentacles.

Both Jungle Girl and Demon Girl were game-changers because they were side-scrollers. Most hentai games at that point were visual novels. LineMarvel’s games were the kind of extreme action you’d expect from an arcade, albeit one drawn in MS-Paint by your perverted nephew. You can play either one on New Grounds, but honestly they’re not worth your time. (Check out my full review of NewGrounds on ThePornDude, though. There’s some other stuff you’ve got to see.)

LineMarvel got famous among a certain demographic of deviant masturbators, who flocked to his website. It turns out the dude was some kind of walking encyclopedia of hentai. People wanted him to make another avoid-sex-until-big-gangbang game, but he seemed to prefer to just talk about comic book vaginas and shit like that.

You’re probably wondering why a dude who made a game more than a decade ago still has an unofficial forum dedicated to him. While there’s an active sub-board on ULMF where you can talk about LineMarvel, his hentai, and his blog, it’s no longer the busiest forum on the site. They’ve moved on to newer things.

Perving Out to Hentai Games

The Hentai sub-forum on ULMF is by far the most active board, with nearly half a million messages. The LineMarvel board, by comparison, only has 3.5k. There’s also a pretty active everything-goes bullshitting forum, which implies a decent sense of community, which would also help account for the site’s longevity and traffic numbers.

There’s a sub-sub-forum about Hentai Games, but I’m a little more interested in the Games link in the header. If LineMarvel was originally known for his games, shouldn’t ULMF be the source for the same kind of content?

Weirdly, there’s only one game here. Maybe the whole section is brand new, because game was uploaded yesterday. The Overview explains it was first released about a year ago, but ULMF just got it.

The game is a “life simulation” that lets you play in real cities using the Unreal Engine. There’s supposed to be 3D sex scenes that allow player control without forcing it, enhanced by well-written erotica. A banner at the top says the newest version added femdom, same-sex extreme sex and cum effects.

I’m intrigued, but not enough to download a game I just heard of on a forum from Mega or MediaFire. I’m not the kind of guy to take chances; I double-bag it if I see barnacles on a bitch’s clam. I might feel differently if there were more reviews, but nobody has said anything.

After being disappointed by the tiny Games section, I realized the Hentai Games forum is chock-full of exactly what I was looking for. ULMF really threw me off with the nonsense link in the header, but hopefully, that’s just some shit they’re working on.

Most of the hentai games on ULMF have evolved away from that outdated Flash nonsense. Most are built with RPG Maker, but others are labeled as Text adventures, Sims, and a handful of more obscure styles. The list of games in the forums stretches over a hundred pages deep, so make sure you’ve got the synthetic 18+ schoolgirl vagina all lubed up.

Where’s the Beef Flaps?

Like the Games link, the Media link in the header is fucked up. It brought me to a page with nothing. I thought maybe I was locked out because I wasn’t logged in, so I went ahead and registered an account. The good news is OLMF accounts are activated instantly. The bad news is I still didn’t see any media.

That’s not to say there isn’t any media. There’s plenty of it in the hentai forum, you just have to dig a little to get to it. The games were impressive, but this is kind of a jumbled mess.

The non-game hentai media discussion seems like it’s mostly people asking where to find hentai. When people do post things, they’re often zipped up and filed away on sites like Mega.

The Media link implies this is something they’re working on. I was curious to see a comic based on Demon Girl, which I saw mentioned on the wiki, and just assumed it’d pop up under Media. I could use that Search bar in the corner, I guess, but there’s other stuff to look at.

Playing With Perverts

Beneath the Main section of sub-forums on the front page are the Forum Games. ULMF really is an active community, so you’ll find a ton of action here. I hope you like tentacles and science fiction humping.

The Role Playing Section has a bunch of sub-forums of people roleplaying different scenarios. There’s a mix of science fiction and fantasy here, with names like Abandon All Hoap, Sci-Fi Multiverse and Smokefish games. The whole thing smells like the panties started coming off at a particularly freaky Dungeons and Dragons session, and I mean that in the best way possible.

There’s also a thriving Play By Post section. It’s more role-playing, just played a little bit differently. By post, like it says in the name. There’s a Lewdified Pathfinder area, so pull the D20s off your string of anal dice and let’s slay/fuck some orcs and loot/fuck their corpses.

A lot of the sessions read like erotic hentai fan fiction. It makes me wonder how many people aren’t interacting with the site but are still playing at home. I couldn’t even estimate how many thousands of pages of dirty stories are written out in this section of ULMF.

ULMF.org’s biggest strength is its strong sense of community. Other sites have hentai games, though maybe not as many. Other sites have better stashes of non-game hentai. What other sites don’t have is a bunch of like-minded gamer perverts, and all the fun you can have you with your freaky online friends.