If it isn't Jade fucking Lavoie. Who is she? Only a humble blonde with over 1.3 million followers on Instagram. How did she get there? Well, her page claims that she's a content creator, doing those funny little skits, where her perfect ass is bouncing on Instagram, Low-key pornographic shit we are already familiar with. But here is the thing, you won't find Jade on Pornhub. She's not that type of gal. She's spreading her perfect butt cheeks and slim waist on OnlyFans, and she has two pages. One of them is paid, the other one is free.
Today we'll be looking at her free page, because we're broke as fuck and we don't have money to spend on these hoes. Before that, can I take a second and talk about my experience with Jade? Yeah, I've been down this rabbit hole before, not on her OnlyFans, but on her Telegram. I've already done a whole review on that shit fest, but I'm going to summarize it here. She basically took her sweet fucking time responding to my messages, and never actually delivered on what I asked. But look, that was a long time ago, on Telegram, a whole different court of smut. We're talking about OnlyFans today, and this page is where she goes all out. Well, not this one, this is the free page. She only has 58 posts here. That's around 71 media content, meaning images or teaser videos. But let me give you a spoiler. It's mostly images and shameless promos to her website and paid OnlyFans page. Look, I can end this review right here and tell you that this free page is just one teaser cum bait, and her VIP page is where you should be.
The Worst Dig Ever
I'm already on her free page, scrolling through her posts, most of which are, as you guessed it, teasers! She's bending over, sure, with her tongue out, all that slutty shit, but her tits are covered, and you can't even catch a glimpse of her pussy. There is nothing mildly interesting happening here. And you can’t escape the shameless promo, just look at her post descriptions, she's basically shoving it down your throat, begging you to subscribe to her VIP page because that's where the good stuff's at. I genuinely don't understand the point of this free page. There is nothing in her description except general info and the fact that she speaks English and French. She has never done a live stream on this account, doesn't post any kind of unlockable content other than a link to her VIP page, and there's nothing that would make a man stick around here. This is the horny equivalent of window shopping. You're locked behind the screen, looking at teasers that you can't unlock unless you pay, and oh well, you are going to pay.
There is one benefit, though, and that's accessibility. When you subscribe to Jade's free page, you're capable of messaging her. Yep, you can talk to the woman, the butt cheek destroyer 1000 herself. So my PTSD kicked in, everything was familiar… Will this be just like my time on Telegram? Do I even want to dive deep into this rabbit hole and experience the torture of waiting for an answer again? Well, I don't have a fucking choice because there's nothing else I can do on her free page other than stare at her censored titties and pray that she'll post something mildly fappable.
So look, I headed over to the chat, and she already sent me a small welcome video teaser and another video that lasts 4 minutes. Not for free, I have to pay for it, obviously. And then 3 minutes after that, she wrote me a whole sentence in French. What makes her think I speak French? Bojnour, bitch! Speak English! I get that French is the language of love, and it sounds sexy as fuck! But I don't want to Google Translate my shame and send it back to her. That's fucking cringe, okay? So I messaged her in English instead. I wrote a simple hello, because what the fuck do I even say to her? Unlike her Telegram, she responded in 2 fucking minutes. That's a major improvement from the 40-minute wait I had to endure in the torture chambers of Telegram. I was chained up to my chair, covered in lube, with an exposed dickhole for the world to see back then. So anyways, she hit me back with a simple, yet humble, hello babe.
Money Talks
I'm not the type of guy who flirts with OnlyFans chicks, I know why I'm here. I don't have an intimacy hole to fill, and I'm not looking for a girlfriend either, especially not an OnlyFans thot. So my approach to messaging her was straightforward. I told her to send me the best goddamn video bundle pack she has. VOILA! she replied instantly. I guess money talks, but she's horrible at the fucking money talk. Instead of sending me the video bundle, she asked me how much. What do you mean by how much? You're the one selling this shit. This is not a flea market in Eastern Europe, I'm not here to haggle prices for nudes. Babe, just send me something and let me see it! Jesus fucking Christ, is it that difficult? And it's not like I'm a stingy motherfucker, I have some money in my pocket. If I like the previews and what she sent, I might just buy it. You never fucking know.
But wait, don't you see what's happening here? This is supposed to be a free fucking page, a free OnlyFans, the word FREE plays a major role here. Aren't I supposed to get some free content? Something to keep me busy and give me a reason to, I don't know, move on to her VIP page? Am I missing something here? I get that the creator gets to structure their OnlyFans page however they see fit, and I don't judge her for it, as long as she's leaving people happy and satisfied, then I'm all for it. But right now, I feel neither happy nor satisfied. I feel confused. Do you know what this feels like? It feels like a free church gathering, but when you enter it, you have to pay the goddamn pastor to speak, and you also have to pay for the food. Does that sound sensible to you? To me, it sounds like fucking madness.
Just Go To The VIP Page
I'll move on from the chatting and talk more about her posts. She's basically promoting the features you get on her VIP page. There's a post of her, tits covered, and a spinnable, luscious wheel in the background, making you feel like a horny fucking gambler, it’s all so enticing, right? Even her post description yells FREE SPIN! So you get all excited and ready for the goodies, right? But then she tells you to follow the link in the description and subscribe to her VIP page, just so you can spin the wheel. What. The. Fuck? Once again, I don't understand what the point of this is. Why promote your VIP page? Why don't you list a price on the wheel of horny doom here and let me pay in the messages?
I should just end this review right here and tell you to move on and subscribe to her VIP page, because that's what she wants you to do. She said it, not me! Right now, I'm stuck in horny fucking purgatory here, looking at Jade's post and wishing I were part of her VIP club. And I see that she put a lot of effort into the videos and photos, I can tell by the teasers. These bad boys are shot with a professional camera, and she knows how to angle her body and how to act in front of a cock. It's not like you get to see a cock anywhere near her on the free page anyway.
Just for fucking reference, her Twitter account shows more sexually suggestive content than her free OnlyFans page. Ugh, fine! Maybe you don't give a shit about her page structure, or all you want to do is talk to her and unload your trauma before you buy a single Titty Drop video that she sends you. That's up to you. But me? I expect, and I DEMAND more! I'm not asking for backshots and sex tapes. All I'm asking for is a few short clips and a couple of pictures that show the actual goods, because her body is fucking tight and looking at it fully clothed is a fucking sin. Seriously, don't waste your time reading this review. Skip the free OnlyFans page and go to her VIP one. Simple as that.
