I’m once again stuck in a weird corner of the internet, huh? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not kink-shaming or pointing fingers, but man… when I woke up today, I did not expect to watch women unload their Taco Tuesday on my speakers. The funniest part is, there are like 57K weekly visitors here, and I can’t help but imagine some dude named Josh, sitting on an uninspiring office chair, working long hours with his earbuds plugged in, scrolling through r/GirlsFarting because it’s the only form of intimacy he has received in months. Seriously, man… Why are we sexualizing women doing anything and everything? A gal could be piss-drunk, puking her guts out in the middle of nowhere, and some dude out there would get a boner staring at her leaking bodily fluids. Is this how low society has fallen?
And that’s the part that actually pisses me off, because if we’re already this far gone, then why the fuck is nobody sexualizing my farts?! Bro… They sound juicy! They smell like takeout and bad decisions. I have personally manufactured audio that could rattle a cheap apartment wall and perfume a hallway like a cursed food court, and still: zero boners. Zero wet panties... Nothing! I could drop one in a crowded elevator with the texture of a wet balloon losing a fistfight and the aroma of last night’s garlic knots mixed with existential regret, and people would just grimace and mash the next floor like I committed a war crime instead of applauding. So once again, r/GirlsFarting, why are you sexualizing women for letting one rip? Sexualize me instead! I have enough gas in my tank to satisfy a hundred horny men with this weird fetish! Give me a chance!
Friends With Flatulence Benefits
And if you’re looking for some kind of deeper meaning or a goal, well… you are in the wrong place, bud. Both existentially and literally. The subreddit rules are as simple and clean as they get. r/GirlsFarting only asks you not to bully or harass anyone. Do not ask for videos or trade them. No underage content allowed, duh. And of course, male and transgender people farting are not welcome! And then, there’s a brief introduction that calls this subreddit the destination for sharing female fart videos. Oh, and they also welcome stories, questions, and anything related to women letting one rip. And I’m sitting here scratching my head like that pathetic ape meme, wondering what kind of questions people might have about flatulence. Like… how is it any different than a regular person farting? I can’t seriously wrap my head around the fact that people congregate here to share videos, stories, and then ask questions. I’ve been to My Little Pony conventions in Berlin that felt more comfortable than this subreddit. Like… I clearly don’t belong here, yet I have to endure the content for the sake of this review. And I’m trying so fucking hard not to crack cheesy fart jokes to the point that I might just pass some gas. Well… I have no choice but to embrace the madness.
If this many people are already lining up to watch strangers rip ass on camera with actual rules and dedicated moderators, then I should stop being a tourist and start being a supplier. I should assemble every female friend with benefits I’ve got and finally get some actual benefits. And I truly mean lining them up, feeding them Taco Bell like it’s a business expense, and making them fart in a jar so I can sell the evidence to the exact degenerates already refreshing this wasteland. And I’ve got all kinds of chicks! The one who laughs too loud after tequila. The one who swears she doesn’t do that until the third burrito hits. The one who already lets me bury my face between her thighs like it’s a hobby… I sit them down, I explain the market, I tell them a random stranger on the internet will pay real money to unscrew a lid and inhale whatever their guts just confessed, and boom! They’re sold! And I’ve already got names for the jars: Garlic & Regret. Date Night Disaster. She Said She Wasn’t Gassy. I can go on for days! The jars will sell. You people will buy. Everyone leaves happy!
Farting In My Face
But do you know who leaves traumatized? ME! Right after I spent twenty fucking minutes scrolling through these posts, looking at them one by one. First of all, I have to address u/MinaIsNever. This bitch looks sexy as fuck! Great ass, pink hair, has that whole cute vibe going… then she pans the camera down, butt fully exposed, and her motherfucking asshole winked! Medium toot just prrt! Motherfucker… I’m traumatized! But that’s not even the worst of it! There’s this goth chick who goes by RizzFrog1, and she’s posting her fart compilations! Like… completely butt naked, standing in the middle of her living room, farting awkwardly… and she titled the whole post as a question: do you my farts make your dick hard? Yes… That’s not a typo on my end. Her post is literally titled that way! This bitch passed gas so hard, she forgot how to type! But you haven’t seen the worst of it! There’s this chick, Harlee Reed, her asshole gaping like a motherfucker… and she farts right in your face! Like the center of the fucking camera! I can practically smell it through the screen. Man… get me outta here, quick! I’m not built for this shit.
Now here’s a billion-dollar idea: The world should hold a national competition for the loudest farts produced by a woman. I’m serious. Stop hiding this in unlabeled subs and start putting it on pay-per-view. Build an arena. Sell tickets. Get a jumbotron, a decibel meter the size of a truck, and a panel of judges who are already too far gone to be saved. Call it what it is: the Super Bowl of female ass thunder! I want pink-haired cuties, goth freaks, and gaping maniacs flying in from every state to sit on a stage, spread their cheeks, and try to rattle the rafters. Feed them strategically. Beans, beer, Taco Tuesday catering with a corporate sponsor. Then line them up, panties off, asses out, and let them cook. First woman to crack the windows gets a medal. First woman to make the decibel meter beg for mercy gets a belt. First woman to fart so loud the cameraman flinches and the front row tastes it… she goes home rich. And the audience gets a kick out of it too! Heck, we can even sell the contestant’s personal farts in a jar! Just ship em to the fans! Let them take a whiff.
I Lost The Battle
Look, I did my time here. I’ll no longer be browsing the posts on r/GirlsFarting. It just ain’t my thing, man. However, if you want more of this shit, and I know you’ll want more of it, then make sure you check out the related subreddits and the other resources section of this subreddit. They have a whole wiki linked to eproctophilia, and even subreddits like r/gassygirlies, r/cutegirlsfarting, etc. I’m not going to sit here and sniff them all day! Heck, I got things to do!
And by things to do, I mean I have officially had enough of the internet for one day. Yep. This is how the streak dies. Not with a wholesome video, not with a funny meme, not even with some late-night spiral into conspiracy shit. I’m ending it on a subreddit about girls farting, and then I’m going the fuck to sleep. That’s the last image burned into my skull before I shut my eyes: pink hair, a winking asshole, a goth chick asking if her gas makes my dick hard, and some gaping maniac blasting one straight down the lens like she was trying to season my soul. Congrats, internet. You win! I’m tapping out. Can’t wait to see the shit you got in store for me tomorrow.
