Alright, pervs, you ready to see the sickest shit you’ve ever laid your eyes on? You’re reading The Porn Dude, so I already know the answer. Strap on your safety harness and hold onto your hat. I’d tell you to hold tight to mommy’s hand, but she’s not allowed along. Let me introduce you to 9Gag2.
You might be wondering why I’m bothering to review a site like 9Gag. Open your eyes, dumbass! I’m not talking about 9 Gag, the tame and lame meme site visited by a million doofy pre-teens a day. I’m talking about 9Gag2, your one-stop portal to all things gross, disgusting, hilarious, and sexy, though not necessarily all at the same time.
Pussies and Tits, Boogers and Shit
9Gag2 bills itself as Your Best Source of Adult Humor. That’s fair. I’m a grown-ass man, and I can’t think of much that makes me laugh harder than boobs, wieners, poop, and butts. These wonders and more are yours to behold on 9Gag2.
Don’t get the wrong impression. There is legit sexy material here—tons of it, actually. Pick the Amateur category from the tab at the top and you get a nearly endless parade of sluts next door, eager to show off their ripe tits and cocksucking pics. Just don’t stray too far if you’re looking to beat off to 9Gag2.
The post categories are Amateur, Cartoon, Dark, Extreme, Fetish, Funny, Furry, Gay, GIF, Gross, Hentai, Public, Sexy, Shemale, Video, and Weird. Depending on your preference, some of these will obviously be prime wank material. Others, not so much.
A Tour of the Internet’s Butthole
A lot of fucked-up memes and images that work their way around the ‘net get their start on 9Gag2. I like to think of the site as kind of like the Internet’s butthole. The shit comes out and smears its way along the web, leaving its brown mark all over your Facebook feed.
The main page of 9Gag2 is the Fresh section. What you’re looking at first is a feed of the newest images and videos uploaded by users. Below them are arrows to vote the content up if it’s good, or down if it’s bad. When it comes to snapshots of pussies and pussycats, your vote matters!
You really get a feel for the site as a whole from that main page. What you see here is what you’re going to get from the rest of the site. Out of the dozen pics there right now, about a third are sexy, a third are weird/funny, and a third are some combination of the two.
Click on over to the Hot section to see democracy in action. The stuff that gets voted up the most ends up here. 9Gag2 users may be a bunch of sick fucks, but they’ve got a good taste. Most of the Hot section is, well, hot. Gorgeous women showing their boobs or getting railed poll well with voters.
The Cold section is the material that isn’t doing as well. This is where most of the gross stuff ends up. You’ll get things like gorgeous asses covered with worms, old women with sagging tits, and dudes hanging from their nutsacks. There are some hilarious images mixed in, like a fat dude using a vacuum on his man-boobs.
The Best of the Best
After seeing what 9Gag2 users vote up, it’s easy to guess what waits for you when you click Best. This might be your best bet if you’re surfing to cum. Almost all of the very top-voted pics are beautiful women taking dick. The rest are beautiful women masturbating, eating pussy, or showing off their goods for the camera.
This is a nice opportunity to point out how helpful the comment section is. People want to talk shit about the kind of creeps who frequent these sites, but I applaud these gentlemen scholars. Nine times out of ten, somebody speaks up to let everyone know who we’re watching finger herself. They won’t leave you horny and hanging if you find a slut you need more of.
The current holder of the top Best position is a lovely young blonde in a short dress, flashing her pussy in public. A helpful commenter has pointed out that she’s pornstar Staci Carr, and another comment even provided a link to the full scene. Thanks, 9Gag2!
The Best of the Worst
The Most Hated section is also pretty much exactly what you’d expect. 9Gag2 is already too brutal for most casual Internet users, but Most Hated is for those with iron stomachs and balls of fucking steel. Don’t click it if you’re not ready for some heavy shit that will haunt your dreams and nightmares forever. This is the shit that even 9Gag2 users have voted as too fucking gross.
Now I’ve probably got you wondering just what the hell is so terrible about it. You just have to see it, don’t you? Go ahead. Don’t say I didn’t warn you about the prolapsed asshole, or the girl eating poop out of another’s butt, or the guy with maggots infesting his cock.
Look, my whole job is looking at smut. I’ve seen it all, from the light Skinemax stuff to the most hardcore-to-the-core porno you can imagine. I ain’t your grandma. If I tell you the Most Hated is seriously fucked up, it’s really saying something.
There, I’ve done the decent thing and warned you. Now go take a look. Warp that already twisted mind of yours. You were going to, anyway.
Playing (with Yourself) with Fire
I’ve got a game idea for only the bravest, most adventurous, most perverted motherfuckers out there. Pull up 9Gag2 and browse the Best section for the hottest pic you can find. Find one that gets you throbbing hard and start cranking one. Then, keep clicking the Random link while stroking your meat. If you can bust a nut, you’ll be crowned king of the deviants.
The Random link is a lot of fun even if you’re not jacking off. Actually, it’s probably more fun that way. Random does pretty much what it says. You click it, some random picture from 9Gag2’s collection pops up. It might be an amateur babe deep-throating a lightsaber; it might be a bride in her wedding dress, spreading her cunt; or it might be a fat guy nailing his nuts to a board.
To be fair, the Random pics do seem to contain more spank-worthy pictures than gag-worthy ones. Maybe you see more freaky images on the main page because weird shit floats. I think my doctor told me that. Anyway, I just clicked Random for a minute and only saw a couple that made by boner waver a little. I’d guess I’m still around 70 percent hardness.
Who the Hell is 9Gag2 Even For?
I’ll be honest. As a pornography enthusiast, 9Gag2 isn’t at the top of my list when I’ve got the Fleshlight all lubed up. Yeah, the site is mostly porn and nudes, but that’s not the real draw. When I browse the site, I’m naturally going to appreciate the naked ladies, but what I come for is the weird, fucked-up shit.
A lot of people have an impulse to look at the things that should make us squirm. It’s the same impulse that makes people stop to watch a fight, or slow down so they can rubberneck a good car crash. The weirdest shit on 9Gag2 might feed that same impulse. Maybe we enjoy the shock of seeing something unexpected, like extra nipples on an otherwise supple breast, or a vagina stretched to take a full glass of wine.
I also think we get a little jaded as porn viewers. We’ve all got the same Internet, and sometimes it seems like we’ve seen it all. Hey, people say we shouldn’t look at this stuff at all, you may as well show me the worst you’ve got to offer. Surprise me, even if it means showing me something gross.
9Gag2 is a good site to check out if you want to look at some porn, but you only have a semi or your heart just isn’t in it. You might end up whacking it to some top-shelf poon, but you’re just as likely to spend an hour laughing at the sideshow spectacle.