Lorelei Finds

Lorelei Finds "leaked" OnlyFans porn & nudes? Nope. Oh my fucking God thank you Lorelei Finds for existing. Lorelei Finds definitely found me and I could not be more grateful. She is a Southern blonde mommy who makes content on a plethora of platforms. Porn, not porn, semi-porn, you name it, she’s got it, and she’s good at it. I was getting so fucking sick and tired of the same type of woman on my screen. The booty, the boobs the petite frame, and the personality of white paint. The porn world is filled with copy-paste women, and they’re not even copying off each other. That’s just how most neurotypical, middle-class mostly American chicks are. Well, middle-class until they get that OnlyFans money. Then they’re just boring but filthy rich. Money can’t buy you a personality honey. Or something like that. I’m sure there are Facebook groups out there that post that sort of quote and feel very deep and philosophical. But Miss Lorelei Finds is so full of personality I can’t even see her boobs. Her personality is screaming in my face, but like in a good way.

I’ll sexualize her later, I promise. This babe is adorable. It feels weird to say that about a woman who probably hunts for fun, opens beer bottles with her teeth, and has no issue digging holes in the rain. Like, I’m telling you, she’s country life personified. This sexy motherfucker could eat all those other OF babes for breakfast and have dick as a side dish. She gives me hope for the future of porn. A porn eutopia where the babes I give money to to get naked and spank their bean are interesting to look at for more than one jizz session. I’d follow Lorelei Finds into war and into the depths of her pussy, repeatedly, frequently and happily. The other ones, yeah sure, I’ll rub it, tug it, and forget about their existence when the post nut clarity hits.

A Real One

I was just covering a girl I forgot the name of and will never again remember the name of. She was talking about her pasta dish and how she likes to stay home. Oh my god, it felt like a lullaby for the lobotomized. I blame her for my sleepiness at the moment. She put me in a sedated state and now I can’t give Lorelei Finds the proper attention she deserves because I’m half asleep. But this wonderful country blonde is slowly defrosting me. I’m not kidding. It feels like I’ve been frozen in ice I felt so numb from that other one. Lorelei is breathing back life into my poor metaphorically sedated spirit. I’m watching a YouTube video right now of her curling her hair and talking to the camera. I am hanging on her every word and I think that she should run for president. She’s crazily smart, ridiculously open, respectful, self-aware, and just overall calming. Calming because it’s insane that a porn star is saying things that are not just important but level-headed, rational and open-minded.

It's certainly not the type of content I’d watch in my free time, sure. But she would definitely appeal to a large crowd. And I’m saying with her clothes on. Just being herself, in her bathroom, yapping on about human rights and how to treat people well. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a freaking porn star be this refreshing. Thank God she’s made it far because she deserves it. Even Playboy picked her up for a photoshoot. Playboy is no joke. They know quality pussy, but they also know quality human beings. The chick hasn’t had sex in 10 years. And she’s a porn star. Imagine staying true to yourself and your values instead of opening your pussy like a can of sardines for cash.

Give Her an Award

I swear to Matin Luther King it’s almost impossible to sexualize this woman. Wait no, I swear to Sigmund Freud? Yeah, that makes more sense. I mean sure I get it, if I didn’t watch a video of her talking for 10 minutes and skipped right to the nudes, I could get extra hard extra fast. Do not for a second think I can’t sexualize her because she’s not sexy. Her body is perfectly fine and hot. But that mouth on her doesn’t make me want to stick my penis in. That mouth on her makes me want to sit at some quiet pub with her and have lengthy conversations for hours. Like a run-down, cheap pub somewhere very random where the beer quality is mediocre but they still serve free peanuts. Sure, I can imagine us going home together and having a romp in the sack. But after the first date? No way. This is a lady and she needs to be treated as such. Lorelei mentioned that she has issues with self-esteem and doubt. Firstly, doesn’t that just make you want to be a better person? If a Playboy model can be so honest, so can you.

Secondly, Lorelei, I am no therapist, I am only a sex man. So I’m not here to fix your head. But I can tell you it needs no fixing. Do you know how rare a fiercely intelligent and scarily sexy woman is? They exist of course. But God, they are so few and far apart in my own personal timeline of women I’ve smashed. I hear other dudes have the same experience. If evolution was so good, why couldn’t it make all of them sexy and smart? It’s obviously preferable to robot-like mannequins who beg for Twitch subs. We need to overthrow evolution and make a new system. Fuck you Darwin I’m the captain now. Lorelei can be patient zero, the archetype for what it is to be a superb human female specimen.

Quality is Expensive

You can buy a sweater made of poo and hay and itch all day. Or you can buy one made of angel wings and eventually gift it to your grandchild because it’s so durable and comfy. Bitches gotta pay the big bucks if bitches want quality shit, ya dig? Lorelei is not cheap but of fucking course she isn’t. What other OF model have you seen with a tiny little link to her Playboy photoshoot? Her tier-one sub is 13 bucks by the way. Yeah, it’s not a price for the mere paper company accountant or trash collector. But she’s a premium chick who gets to have premium prices. And her superiority has nothing to do with having a God-like body that you have to throw your money at.

I’ve beat this horse into the ground and I will keep beating it. The average chick I cover is hotter than her mostly because she’s younger and puts in a shit ton of effort into her looks. But that’s because it’s all she can sell, her looks. Lorelei doesn’t need to eat sleep and shit in the gym. Or of course, augment her titties and booty. She’s all-natural and flawed which actually draws people in who aren’t incels. She’s for people who like chicks for their slightly droopy, aged breasts because they’re real. Lorelei is not for you if you’re a basement dweller who joins raunchy Discord just to ask chicks for free nudes.

Continues to be Adorable

It even feels like an insult to call this Thor of a woman adorable. If she were a pie, she’d be made with free-roaming grass-fed cow butter, blueberries gifted by local monks, and brown sugar. Real sturdy, hefty, hearty, and quality piece of yum. If you ate a pie like that, you wouldn’t call it good. You would call it the best damn pie you’ve had since the one momma made when you were 9. In a Southern accent, just to pay respects to Lorelei. But in her bio, she mentions how much she loves “trucking”. That’s what Lorelei calls driving a truck. And then she tells us she wants to have her own truck company.

An OF model with a dream, a goal, an aspiration? I am floored, flabbergasted, taken for a joyride. I might consider personally funding this dream of hers. Take notes, literally everyone else. Not from me, I have nothing of value to give you in comparison. I’m sitting here with my dick in my hands most of the time, and some of the time with my dick in pussy. Sometimes two pussies interchangeably. But that’s about it. I mean of course, if you want to be cool like me and fuck all the bitches, sure go ahead. But I’m telling ya, Lorelei is one sweet mothertrucker who deserves your money, give it to her. That’s an order.