Stormigee

Stormigee "leaked" OnlyFans porn & nudes? Nope. Okay, seriously. I need to know if anyone can relate to this feeling. Like, you see a person, and you think, huh, that person really has a face-face. Yes, I know I sound like I’ve gone schizo. I promise you; I have not spent too much time on the internet. I did not go off course of my usual masturbatory activities and go down Reddit rabbit holes. Those statements are all false and in fact, I plowed a redhead yesterday. She had really nice tits. Face too. It wasn’t like one of those faces I’m talking about. Ya know when someone has really prominent features? All of their bits are kind of loud and often accompanied by obnoxious. Like when you see someone with a punchable face. There’s no exact reason for it, but you feel it in your bones. Ya gotta give them a knuckle sandwich. Stormigee doesn’t have a punchable face, in fact, she has a face I would love to cum on. If only to cover it a little bit. Okay no she is fuckable but also kinda irks me. Her eyes are gigantic and amplified by a shit ton of black eye makeup. Her lips are like little monkey buttholes.

It's working for me, it is. But also, I would be way more comfortable doing her if I knew she was some type of mutant. It would explain the bizarre features. Ah, yes. I’ve figured it out. It’s the uncanny valley effect. Or something similar to it. When someone looks human but something is not quite right about their face. Whatever that thing is made of, Jesus does not love it. That’s the kind of feeling I get with Stormigee. I think it’s all of the makeup. Makeup is swell and all I’ll fuck the mascara right off you babe. But the way Stormigee paints her face makes her look like a mannequin. At first, I thought she was AI.

A Hottie with Humor

But nope, there she is on TikTok, making content in a real human body. And oh my sweet chocolate cake with cum on top she is phenomenal. She’s completely aware that the makeup on her face has more weight than her boobs. And that she looks very uncanny. She jokes about it all the time. Her TikToks are actually funny and enjoyable. You’ve got the whole hot babe factor taking your attention and her humor making you stay. The jokes aren’t something phenomenal and groundbreaking but she’s not selling herself as a comedian so who cares? Just the fact that she’s capable of thinking outside the box makes me perfectly happy to keep watching. And then there’s the other thing. God, she’s so swell to look at. The things she wears are so, yummylicious. Her body, yum. All of it just put it in my mouth. Munch on it, suck on it, enjoy your life.

I can’t get this pink dress she was wearing out of my mind and I’m kind of mad that I’m writing right now and not looking at it. I’m gonna go stare and drool and be right back. Yup no I’m out. That shit is fire dog. Slits in all the right places. White thigh highs. Goly gosh damn it forgive me Father for I will sin repeatedly and uncontrollably. Bless females like this for existing. She looks like a strawberry milkshake. I just wanna sip up her juices. It’s really unfortunate that she plasters herself with all that makeup. It’s distracting from all the other yummy things going on. Her genuine coolness and fuckable hotness, obscured by layers and layers of paint.

Everything Has Rule34

Ah, remember the good ol’ days when cartoons were decent and original? I used to love shit that was on TV. Just me, my action figures, and my juice box having a swell time. But then cartoons became boring right about the time when porn became interesting. Transitioning from cartoons to porn was one easy task when you had porn versions of Franky and the ginger chick from Ben 10. His sister or cousin or something. The type of porn they made was a pure abomination in retrospect but to the mind of a flourishing teenager, it was dank. You’d finally get to see all the goth mommies getting their tits suckled, it was magical. You could even play games where all you do is move the mouse a little bit to control the penis on screen. Those were the days. Stormigee takes me back. She’s made a whore version of Dora.

I never watched that because I’m basically ancient at this point but God do I enjoy Stormigee’s version of her. She calls her Whora by the way. How elegantly simple and delicious. I don’t care about the character she’s portraying one bit; the outfit is what does it for me here. Classic thigh highs, tiny little shorts, and a belly shirt. Stormigee looks hot in any and everything she wears because that body is poppin’ yo. But I have to give her credit for the creativity even though Dora is not something I give a shit about. I’m sure lots of people enjoy the twist on a beloved classic, a very delicious, slim, and bangable twist. Even I remember Whora popping up on my socials even though I despise short-form media. That’s actually how I know this chick, I’m sure I yanked it to her before now that I think about it.

On the Nice List

Stormigee isn’t greedy to get as much cash as possible and actually cares about her content. Wowzers. I just made a mess in my trousers. I love a babe who makes good shit because she’s a self-proclaimed slut and not because porn is where the cash is. Her OnlyFans sub is free. Of course, you won’t get to see all the content. This is not communist America people. Don’t expect a 10/10 bomb to strip for you for free just because she's nice or some shit. But she is nice enough to throw in a lot of content for free. She’s also smart enough to post her paid content for free, only censored in all the delicious places. How could I not throw my money at her when all I have to do to remove the heart emojis from her pussy is pay 20 bucks? It’s so easy.

It's a classic way to reel people in. Give them the goods but cover up the naughty bits. You might say it’s elementary, my dear Watson. But no, a lot if not most OF models don’t do it like this. I go to their page and there isn’t a single image I can see without paying. Well, I’m not so motivated to stay on the page when that’s the case. You’re not the only chick with breasts Tiffany, move along. I don’t know if you’re aware but free porn is also a thing. So, if you want me to pay for pussy you need to give me a damn good reason. Being hot is rarely reason enough. I don’t know if you know this but there are in fact other hot babes living amongst us. If you wanna make me jerk it, you gotta work it. And twerk it. No, I’m actually not attracted to twerking it’s dumb I just had to finish the rhyme. It’s like an itch you gotta scratch you know? Also, you can scratch my penis, Stormigee. Unrelated, but important.

To Laugh or to Screw

I don’t know about you but when a chick is being silly, I can’t see her as fuck material. That same chick can stop being silly, go into hot mode, and I’d be right on that. I’m sure this is some kind of effect that the internet named in like 2010. Stormigee just proved that the effect is flawed and not always true. She’s the first one actually. Get this girl to the Book of Records. The beer company one, if I knew how to spell the name, I would. She’s being visibly goofy and not in any way trying to be hot in a lot of her shorts. Yet, I still want to smash. This is a new feeling for me. It makes no sense, mathematically, existentially or cock-wise.

If a girl is being funny, she loses hotness for said funny period. These are the rules of the universe, I don’t make them. But, Stormigee broke the universe. Her thigh-highs and short skirts transcend the rules of math. These are fascinating findings, I’ll take them to NASA, pronto. Whatever Stormigee is charging for her naked pussy, I’ll pay double. I’ll stretch my wallet just like she’s stretching her legs in her last OF post.