Laura Marie Masse

Laura Marie Masse "leaked" OnlyFans porn & nudes? Nope. Remember what the perfect female form looked like in the olden days? Like those stone statues you see in museums. They called them goddesses even though you can clearly see this woman ate nothing but burgers and fries before they were even invented. The stomach and love handles rolled down to the thighs in a magical cascade of lard and gross. Well, let me tell ya, I’d prefer that over whatever Laura Marie Masse has to dish out. No, I have not lost my mind. Yet. At least I think I haven’t, let me check. Feels like there’s still mass up there in my skull, we’re good. But come the fuck on man, this chick is way too muscular for any sensible human specimen with a penis to get blood flow down there.

I’ve seen chicks with abs before. They don’t look this bad. Sure, it’s not my preference but I could bed a muscly chick if I tried hard enough. But no matter how hard I try with this one, I am not getting hard. Big bummer. And I’m horny too. I went into this, dick in hand, toes ready to be sucked, and now I’m just left disappointed and dry. I’m sure you’ve seen a hard penis before. If you’re a chick reading this and don’t have one downstairs, refer to erect penises that you’ve seen in porn or around your vagina. Just imagine a very veiny, skin-tight cock. That is exactly what Laura Marie Masse’s abs look like. This woman looks like an erect penis. It’s unnatural. I want to hear from a man who finds this shit attractive. And then promptly call the loony bin and send him away. As he is a threat to society.

Sugar, Spice and Everything Nice

I can’t figure out if this chick has a cake face or not. You know like, full of butter? Butter face? I swear the joke made sense in my head. It’s not that she’s got a butter face, no. But I am very sure that there’s something wrong going on with it. I think the abs are just pulling too much attention and adding to the bleh factor. If I concentrate real hard, she’s cute. In a desperate housewife kind of way. It’s hilarious. This muscle mommy has the face of a suburban mom. Just a plain ol’ soccer mom, who fucks her husband once a month, bakes gingerbread cookies, and thinks Amy Schumer is peak comedy. There’s absolutely no harmony in this woman whatsoever. Penis body, suburban face. And I don’t expect a great badonkadonk either. With so much training the ass usually looks like Thanksgiving turkey.

Yup, I was correct. That’s one weird ass. When I look at this chick, I’m not motivated to plow her. I’m sure her insides would feel like a hard coconut. If being an Insta model influencer type deal fails, I’m sure there’s other work for her out there. She can work at the coconut cracking factory and only use her thighs. I hear it’s very lucrative this time of year. Well, at least there’s breast. I’m always happy to see a breast or two. As long as you can ignore the penis shaped torso, whoopee. Titties. Good ones too. Sturdy. Like the ones on a young chick. All that working out has made them perky, shapely, and ready for my gentle caress. Thank all the Gods there’s at least something attractive on this penis shaped woman.

Better when Yapping

You know how there are hot chicks? And when they open the yapper, they stop being hot? It’s sadly the case with most female specimens. Well, that’s excluding: faster, yes daddy, and right there. Other similar things may apply. Surprisingly not the case with Laura Marie Masse. For some unfathomable reason, her repulsive penis shape stops being so repulsive when she speaks. This chick is actually charming. There isn’t anything special about her by the way. Just your typical red blooded American babe. But I guess that’s the point. With the way she looked, I was expecting some eccentric weirdness. But nope, she’s a cutie. Finally, my dick has awoken. Imagine that. Getting a hard on when a woman starts speaking. Quite a rare occurrence. But that’s basically where it ends. I don’t think Laura Marie Masse has anything useful to say. Her fame is solely based on her abs. So I guess there are a shit ton of people attracted to that. Don’t forget, 911 is the number for all emergencies in the USA. If it’s another country, well, just google it, idiot. I’m just trying to keep you safe, since you might have hit your head or had a stroke if you’re attracted to extreme abs.

I know, I know, I’m being way too hard on this chick. But she’s barely managed to make me hard. And isn’t that what we’re all here for? To get hard? I don’t know about you, that’s what was in my memo. If you want more of her, you can find her making useless TikToks. And I mean brainrot slop level useless. Porn? No porn. Shaking my head, crying, screaming at the walls. Some scummy scammy jerkoff tagged her on PornHub though, So, you look for her porn, you do get results. They’re just fishing for clicks unfortunately, there’s nothing there. That or, putting those who looked for her porn on some type of list. Oh shit, now I’m on that list too. Hello there, data gatherer. I swear, I don’t belong in a loony bin. I do not in fact smear feces on my walls, and I am not attracted to penis shaped women. This was all a test. It’s an illusion. It’s the matrix. This is a simulation. Don’t chase me down with a gigantic net please.

Got Brains?

I see all these Instagram influencer types and I always think, well, yeah, they’re braindead. There are no neurons firing up there. No monkey banging on its little instrument. But hear this, Laura Marie Masse has a degree. That’s right, a fucking piece of paper signed by a school with her name on it and everything. It’s not incredibly impressive since its interior architecture, but still. This came right outta left field for a chick that looks like her brain mass floated down to her muscles. Let’s tally it up, she’s got a fine face, nice bazookas, and a decently functioning brain. Looks like I’m gonna have to give her a passing grade.

I just wish she used that brain for anything other than pressing play on the TikTok record button. Oh, and taking pictures in bikinis. We can’t forget that. That’s her life’s work. She also gets a point for looking young-ish. A good reminder for chicks entering 30. You better hit the gym or the wrinkles will hit you. Laura Marie Masse is 36 and looks healthier than I did at 16. But all I do with my time is bang bitches and shoot little dudes with guns on my little screen over here. All in a day's work, you know? As fugly as that shape is, at least it means she’s disciplined or some shit. 10 points to Griffinwhore. No, I’m not calling her a whore. It was just too perfect not to say, you anally retentive ass.

Thank the Titty Gods

Halleluia her tits are online. I am crying happy tears. My dick is also crying much more thick and viscous tears. Her tits are fucking amazing. There’s no simpler way to put it. I’m so excited. I forgive and forget, Laura Marie Masse. I forgive you for shaping yourself in a way no sane man would find you attractive. I don’t know why her porn is so hidden and such a big secret. And by porn I mean nudes. I don’t think she’s ever been filmed getting fucked. I don’t give a shit though; nudes are better when it comes to Laura Marie Masse. Because I cannot for the life of me imagine her fucking. She’d crush whatever penis is between her legs in tiny little pieces. I don’t want to see that. What I do want to see though is way more of her tits. It’s extremely hard to get to any sauce without hurdles of ads and false links. But my guy, it’s so worth it. I knew it. I knew when I saw them situated so gently in a bikini that they were gonna be winners. But I wasn’t expecting something this magical.

I want to put my mouth on them and just sleep there. I can pay rent. Bills too. Anything just to live there on those titties and suckle once in a while. I’m not asking for much. There’s no way I’m gonna spoil the surprise and tell you about the exact shape and color of her goodies. Go see them yourself. Beware of the abs for they may cause strong whiplash. Push on through for those tits soldier.