Alanah Cole

Alanah Cole "leaked" OnlyFans porn & nudes? Nope. It never ends. It’s a rare occasion that I find a chick that hits the mark on all accounts. As in, fuckable but also, ya know, tolerable enough for the pregame date before the fucking. And this chick right here, Alanah Cole, is confusing my standards to hell. Or maybe I’m just a big dog and want to screw every female looking thing between the ages of legal and almost dead. But that’s enough self awareness for one day. Don’t wanna go too deep into that PornDude noggin, who knows what goes on up there? The point is, Alanah Cole is hot. But she’s also very annoying. The point of confusion here is, it seems like her annoying little self seems to be working for my dingdong. She talks like all the Valley girls in 90’s chick flick movies who were filthy rich and uptight. But it’s working for me. Like, I want to punch her, with a kiss, and then a penis right into her pussy. I don’t know man. Plus, she’s all tatted up.

Not in the cutesy kind of way some chicks get tattoos. You know, some mild, gentle, and feminine pieces that add to their fuckablity. No, no Alanah Cole has full sleeves. Can you imagine? An anally retentive, filthy rich Valley girl with full-sleeve tattoos. The confusion goes on. But if I stop analyzing her and start anal eyes-ing her, yes, I want to put it in her butt. And I haven’t even seen that ass yet. But seeing her personality from a short YouTube clip, she looks like a screamer. In a good way. Like she really loves to take it up the ass. A very filthy Valley girl. Who enjoys getting slapped around and would definitely call me daddy. Not my personal preference but with this kind of annoying motherfucker typa chick, I’d go all in with the roughness. It just works with this archetype. It’s very akin to bratty babes, who love to get punished by daddy by being naughty. Look at me, salivating over Alanah Cole, and I haven’t even seen her naked. This is a good sign for her.

Watching Paint Dry

See, even if I try, I can’t seem to focus on the boobies and the butts. For some fuckall reason, I find this woman enchanting. Pinch me God for I have sinned, or am in a dream or something. Watching her is like watching eggs slowly boil. Or watching the numbers on the elevator slowly change till it finally gets to your floor. Or the worst one, waiting for the light to go green. It’s brain-rotting. It puts my brain to sleep because it’s so mediocre. The things she talks about are not something I would ever in a billion years have any interest in. Like, what she had for breakfast, what her pet is doing. But I think that’s the point. Look, I bang a lot, okay? Young ones, old ones, one-legged, three-legged, you name it. My life can get very fast-paced. Sometimes a man needs a daft, braindead woman to put him to sleep with stories of her spring rolls. Maybe that’s why this shit is working on me. You know, when you want something to put you to sleep, so it can’t be too entertaining or you’ll be too engaged.

Well, what I’m used to is constant praise and compliments on how I dicked a chick so well she saw Elon Musk. Thank you for feeding my ego, Tiffany, but I wanna go to nap nap land now, okay? At least with Alanah Cole, we can fuck, and then the stories about her gerbils and how her friend made her soup will be boring enough for me to have a pleasant but mediocre female presence next to me. I’m sure you get it. If you don’t, you should try it. Throw a bone to a mediocre chick. It’s like going to the spa for your mind. The pussy is the Turkish spa experience because it’s nice and warm, and the braindead yapping is the uhmm… whatever they provide to relax your mind. Massage or something.

Let’s See the Goods

Looks like we’re staying in the rut of mediocrity today. Sure, sure, Alanah Cole is hot. There. And now what? You know how many hot babes exist out there? Like at least 35. But yet again, I find myself charmed by her mediocrity. That or my perception of the female specimen has been warped to no end by all the porn consumption. I see giga-tits and giga-asses all the time. Proportions that can only exist in cartoons, but here we are. So, in a way, Alanah Cole is actually quite refreshing. She’s an average looking, average speaking woman who doesn’t pull me in like a magnet. Halleluia, my penis can take a little break from all the throbbing and tugging. Not that I’m not going to eventually jack off to her. But speaking of jacking off to her, where are the nudes sister?

She advertises her OnlyFans like it’s nobody’s business but it seems like it’s actually nobody’s business cause no one is running the business. I cannot find a single nude of her. No titty pop, no ass framed by a nice G-string, no nothing. Looks like the chick I wanted to throw a bone to is not throwing a bone at us common folk who just want to glare at the goods. Usually, that kind of shit is leaked by imbeciles who steal content and blast it on every porn site in existence. Since her naked body is not easy to find, either it doesn’t exist or no one has taken much of an interest in leaking it. Not that she doesn’t have a naked body. I’m pretty sure she does. I haven’t checked but that is usually how humans work. I mean, pictures of her naked body, you moron. The only remotely nude-ish thing I found was ass overpowered by the imagery of feet. Yeah, thanks, no thanks. I wish I had a foot fetish but I don’t and I’m very jealous and feel like I’m missing out.

Newlyfound ASMR

Looks like the cream of the crop for this lady right here is her YouTube channel. Just give up on the nudes. They might exist, they might not. If you really for some want to see her titties, by all means, go dig. And if you find it, email me. This is not a joke. I want to see those titties too. But I just don’t feel like putting in the effort. It’s a random Tuesday and I’ve got endless pussy on tap and porn supply to put in that much for a mediocre chick. But here we come to the YouTube channel. So, if you’re here to masturbate to Alanah Cole, no luck my dude. But, if you just like the vibe she puts out, she’s booling on YouTube. As in full of content creator. With all the necessary gear to make her pores just hidden enough and her nose makeup to shine through. What I wanna say is, she puts in effort.

And she’s clearly not trying to sell sex on her channel. Sure, her features are popping but that’s just her natural, mediocre but still attractive looks. But get this. In the video I’m watching now, she’s wearing a black T-shirt. Could not get more boring than that. I think this chick actually wants to bring something of value to the world and not just blast her titties for a couple of bucks. If you know you’re going in the direction of selling your sexy body and choose to film in normal clothes to be taken seriously, I respect that. Go get the YouTube adsense bag babe, uhm, slay? Or whatever those crazy youngsters say these days.

Hot Alarm Going Off

Okay, I just gained some new information that brought Alanah Cole from mediocrity to awooga. And she didn’t even have a choice in it. Baby I was born this way. Or something like that, I don’t know, Lady Gaga said it. Now hear this, not only is she gay, she has a wife. That is one part wholesome two parts hot. I’m not even imagining the lesbian sex at this point. I’m more so in awe. This annoying-looking, Valley girl-speaking woman just got married to a crazy hot chick. Okay, now I’m imagining all the lesbian sex. Can you blame me? It was so hard to sexualize this chick because she bore me, in a nice way. Like, I’d want her to be my nurse when I slowly go into that sweet goodnight. But now my peen is having himself a party. I don’t need you to record your porn for me either. I’d like to keep it this way, an air of mystery if you will. But never forget, my email is right there. So, joining you and your wife for a little bit of experimentation with a penis, yes. The answer is yes.