ThePorny

As an American, ThePorny just sounds funny as hell for a porn site name. Before I pulled it up to see what the joint was all about, I pictured some doofus doing his best to nail a small horse from behind while it bucks around, ultimately kicking him across the stable into a bale of hay. Internet dwellers who have had the misfortune of seeing the infamous Mr. Hands video know all too well how badly things can go when someone tangles with a horse cock, but fortunately, there’s nothing like that on this next website.

No, my friends, ThePorny.com may be a filthy smut site full of hardcore pornography, but all the participants here are fully consenting adults. It's a Chinese video paysite stocked with an impressive catalog of full-length adult films. They’ve only been around for a few months, though given the current size of the stash, I have to wonder if the library existed in some form or another before landing on this domain. Whatever, though, because the more important topic at hand was how well it’d help me blow a load into an old gym sock. Let’s find out, shall we?

A Step Up from the Usual Tubes

At first, I thought The Porny was a free tube, not a premium video platform. They’ve got a simple logo and fairly clean presentation with a white background, avoiding the clutter you find on some of the shittier tubes. With my adblocker running, there’s no spam to get in the way of the good stuff. There’s a wall of thumbnails, like you’d see on a free tube, lined gorgeous Chinese girls. I had to let my browser translate everything into English, otherwise I wouldn’t have understood any of the text.

Then again, it’s not like the preview pics leave any doubt about what’s in store for me in today’s masturbatory internet travels. A couple things stand out at me right away. For one thing, there’s a nice, wide variety of depravity on offer. Recent additions to the front-page spread include office girls gone wild, 18+ schoolgirls doing their best to corrupt their teachers and classmates, wild and sexy threesomes, and even some taboouous sisters in the mix.

Another thing I notice is that all the videos here are nice and long. The average tube is full of 12-minute sample scenes from the major paysites, mixed in with backseat blowjobs and vertical amateur bedroom vids shot on somebody’s iPhone. The shortest thing I see on ThePorny’s front page is an 18-minute voyeur movie. Most of the scenes seem to run around half an hour, with a couple outliers running clocking in at closer to an hour. If you’re looking for a marathon wank break, well, this may be the place.

When I tried to watch a movie, that’s when I figured out ThePorny.com ain’t quite as free as I’d been hoping. Visitors can watch a couple minutes of free previews before they have to sign up for the full premium version of the site. I couldn’t resist a sample of a HongKong Doll movie called Summer Memories, though I had to turn off my anti-spam plugin before the clip would load. By the time it was over, I knew I needed to become a paying VIP.

A Hundred Years of Asian Porn

Making my way to the signup page, I assumed The Porny would cost the same amount as pretty much any paysite in 2024. Turns out, it’s actually a lot of cheaper than most premium porn. The downside is that there’s no monthly membership like there is elsewhere, so you’ll have to spring for at least six months. That’ll run you a mere ￥149, which ain’t bad at all. At the other end of the spectrum, a lifetime membership (100 years) only costs ￥299.

That entry fee gets you a whole fucking lot of porno, too. The current stash stands at around 23,000 videos, so not only is it cheaper than a site like Brazzers, it also offers a much bigger selection of adult cinema. They’re rapidly building the collection, too, adding shit-tons of new material on the daily. I’m not sure even the most dedicated masturbator can fap their way through the entire collection, no matter how much lube they’ve got on hand or how many boner pills they’ve got squirreled away under the sink.

One of the big advantages ThePorny.com has over some of the other Asian porn sites is that they’ve got material from a ton of different studios and producers. You can see a partial menu out front, showing off some of the more popular brands included in the collection. Madou Video, 91 Studios, Peach Media, Tianmei Media and Mr. Rabbit are just a handful of the well-known names represented, but the full list is much longer.

I checked out their stash of Xingba Original films. It currently stretches on for a couple pages, encompassing about 40 fuck flicks. This kind of website is always difficult for me to review, because I end up shaking my dick at so many of the videos instead of being productive. It's day four of whipping up this review, but I’m pretty sure I’ll finally get it done today.

Lost in a Maze of Dirty Chinese Movies

If I have one complaint about the overall setup of The Porny, it’s that they don’t really tag the videos the way most porn sites do. Most platforms, free or paid, add a bunch of clickable keywords, which helps fans find their preferred sex acts, scenarios, subgenres and fetishes. With a collection this big, it ain’t going to be too easy to find the stuff you prefer jacking off to unless you already know which studios are cranking it out. The site is still very young, though, so hopefully we’ll see them implement better tagging in the near future.

There are 23,000 videos and the only real way to sort through them is by studio, which puts a Western masturbator like me at something of a disadvantage. As much as I love Asian porn, I’m just much more familiar with American brands. Still, there were plenty of thumbnails that caught my eye, so I had plenty of solid options for my official fap test.

Ultimately, I landed on a 33-minute flick from Hulu Pictures called Delicious Sister in Law. The movie opens with some drone shots of traffic before we see a girl sweeping up an apartment. A dude walks in, she takes his jacket, and there’s a little bit of dialog setting the scene. The camerawork and editing is cinematic, making it feel a little like it might be a SFW soap opera. Of course, we know better, don’t we?

I skipped ahead a few minutes to find the two naked in bed, the babe’s pretty mouth wrapped around his dick while she bobs her head and he helps. Her mouth looks so soft and sweet, and she sure seems to have a strong taste for Chinese sausage. Even though I can’t understand what she’s saying, her breathy voice sounds sexy as hell in my headphones, giving me ASMR tingles to go with the raging boner banging the underside of my desk.

The scene heats up even more a few minutes later when another hot chick opens the bedroom door. She watches the blowjob and touches herself a little before joining the fun. I tend to review more Japanese porn than Chinese porn, but I really prefer how I can see everyone’s fully uncensored genitals here. It’s just easier for me to immerse myself in the scene when nothing’s covered up by goddamn Tetris bricks.

ThePorny.com offers one of the better deals I’ve seen lately in the world of premium pornography, with tens of thousands of full-length movies for less than you’d pay for a decent meal. While the catalog isn’t organized as well as I would have hoped, it’s expansive and wide-ranging, with enough fap fodder in enough categories to keep even the horniest motherfuckers busy and fully satisfied. You can browse the full catalog and watch a couple minutes for free to get a taste, so start there and see how it makes you feel.